Betty Cracker

Pardon our dustbunnies...

2011-03-03T09:53:00.000-05:00

I don't have enough time to post at two blogs these days, so I'm mostly confining my blogular activities to Rumproast. Please catch me over there. I can also be reached via email at the link on this page, though to be honest, I don't check it as often as I should. Cheers!

Kevin DuJan: Suckers Never Sleep

2010-11-28T13:53:00.025-05:00

The loopy huckster at Hillbuzz, Kevin DuJan, is at it again, dragging random people -- yours truly among them -- into his fantasy world to gin up donations. Backstory here.

Mrs. Polly of Snarkopolitan, another innocent party involuntarily playing Sauron to DuJan’s Hildo Douchebaggins, has responded here. [THWACK!]

I offer the following graphic novelini as MY response:

KEVIN DUJAN: SUCKERS NEVER SLEEP (CHAPTER ONE)

That morning in late November didn’t seem like an especially auspicious day when Hillbuzz.org blogger Kevin DuJan awoke. A stranger's chewed-off arm rested under his head on a pillow, like most Saturday mornings.

He tossed it onto the pile with the others and logged onto his PayPal site.

Blanching in horror at the dwindling sum in the Hillbuzz account, he quickly called a meeting with his co-bloggers, known collectively as The Boyz. (Some people don't believe The Boyz are real, but they totally ARE. Latex is real...)

DuJan and The Boyz discussed how The War Widow Incident had cut into their receipts and readership. All agreed that it wasn’t DuJan’s fault -- that stupid War Widow had it coming for refusing to volunteer for the USO.

The meeting stretched on into lunch, with Dujan and The Boyz discussing ways to get the donations flowing again. DuJan ate most of the pizza.

Well, all of it, actually. But DuJan totally deserved it all since he had the only workable idea: Play the victim card. The Boyz -- Koala, Kevorkian and Juanito -- looked skeptical (well, to DuJan anyway). But the last time DuJan slandered a bunch of strangers in pursuit of cash from the gullible chumps who read his site, it had panned out well.

DuJan's tale of woe and persecution was linked by numerous irresponsible, high-profile wingnuts (including Glenn Reynolds) who didn’t bother to check if his story held water (it didn’t). The money rolled in, as did appearances on Breitbart “TV” and assorted wingnut podcast outfits.

So, even though The Boyz are totally real, equal co-bloggers and not either entirely fictitious or blow-up dolls or something, DuJan's strategy prevailed at the meeting's conclusion. He sent out a press release proclaiming his availability to serve as a bridge between the gay community and religious conservatives. It contained a link to the original “they’re out to get me” lie, once again dragging total strangers into DuJan’s delusions of persecution.

Then, he wrote a post in what he imagined was soaring, Churchillian rhetoric proclaiming that he would never knuckle under to the Alinski Death Star (uh, that would be me and a few other pretty darn obscure bloggers).

His fingers fairly flew across the keyboard as he wrote about an Obama White House plot to silence his shitty little blog and how Rush Limbaugh and other Verah Big, Verah Powerful People would come to his rescue once the Obama Gestapo seized his website.

After that, he posted a bunch of heartwarming photos of Sarah and little Trig -- he and The Boyz privately called this tactic "lighting the Sarah beacon" -- and railed against Obama TSA thugs, Muslims and George Soros, ticking off the wingnut hot-button items from a list compiled from old Glenn Beck episodes.

This was sure to turn on the Fount of Donations!

But the next day when he logged onto his PayPal account, there was even less money than the day before. The donations weren’t coming in. Worse, he found out some of his steady donors had defected due to the fall-out after the War Widow Incident. They had started a blog behind his back to rake him over the coals and unmask him as a phony.

He called another meeting with The Boyz. This time, there wasn’t even enough money for pizza. The Boyz were restive (well, DuJan thought so.). But DuJan knew what to do. He’d go dark! He'd pull the plug on his blog for a few days and blame it on Obama-Soros. He’d already set that scenario up with his Churchillian post. Because he's a far-sighted guy...

The Boyz responded to that idea in the only way they knew how -- with a faint whiff of latex. But DuJan knew he could play yet another round of PUMAs and Palinites for suckers. And the media, to the extent they pay a nano-second's attention to him, never bother Googling "Kevin DuJan" to make sure he's not some kind of raving frootloop or pathological liar. They hadn't yet, and therefore, it would always work that way. DuJan was sure of it!

...to be continued…maybe…

Amy Siskind & The New Agenda: "Prominent" Women Know Best!

2010-02-21T10:34:00.005-05:00

Did you ever wonder about the identity of the carefully coiffed lady pictured next to the word “laughingstock” in your dictionary?

It’s none other than Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild, the jet-setting billionaire who was widely lampooned for calling Obama an “elitist” and throwing her support to McCain in a fit of patrician pique after son-of-a-single-mom Obama clinched the Democratic nomination over her preferred candidate, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

See coverage of that event here, along with two priceless videos of CNN’s Campbell Brown and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow laughing incredulously as our latter day Lovey Howell III sniffs about the “elitism” of a fellow mammal.

According to the Googles, LLFdR has kept a fairly low profile since her second-choice candidate lost. She emerged in HuffPo earlier this year to blame Obama for ruining Martha Coakley’s chances of becoming senator from Massachusetts.

According to LLFdR, there was nothing wrong with Coakley’s campaign. It was totally cool that she went on vacation while Brown rode all over the state campaigning in a truck, and Coakley’s stated aversion to shaking Red Sox fans’ grubby paws in the cold wasn’t an issue either.

No, Coakley lost because of Obama’s attempts to transform America into a “European-style social democracy.” He “scared hard-working American voters with his hard-left rhetoric.”

I guess that explains why private insurance companies and pharmaceutical conglomerates are fleeing to other continents and all the progressive blogs are united in their adoration of our socialist messiah, I suppose.

Amy Siskind: The True Agenda

Anyhoo, Lady Lynn isn’t even last year’s news, so why am I bringing her up now? Because the outfit that styles itself as “a national organization” and a “voice for all women” has chosen to honor LLFdR in its first ever event:

The New Agenda has some exciting news to report and we invite you to join us!

We will be HONORING Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild, who has been an inspirational force in the formation and growth of our organization, on Thursday, May 6th, 2010.

We met Lynn in May 2008 as she courageously led the first meeting of Together4US, a group of prominent Hillary Rodham Clinton supporters who met to continue HRC’s legacy. Many refer to that first meeting, held at a home in Pound Ridge, NY [median household income: $153,208 -- ed.] as “The Second Seneca Falls.”

And I suppose the presumably catered event for embittered wealthy women in a tony suburb really was a “Second Seneca Falls” -- if we’re generous enough with our classifications to view the Brooks Brothers Riot as a Second March on Washington. All events involved bipeds, after all, and were political in nature.

Now, if I imagined myself to be the heir to Elizabeth Cady Stanton and were holding the first ever event for my 501(c)(4) social welfare organization, I might choose to honor women who showed actual courage like these. Or a woman who comforts the afflicted like this one. Or a woman who has added decades of unique insight to debates over feminist issues like her.

I don’t think a woman whose “bravery” consisted of directing the maids to set out finger-foods for fellow “prominent” ladies as we griped about the Democratic primaries would make the cut. But then again, I’m not as fixated on “prominence” as Siskind is.

On Planet Siskind, “prominent” women with “connections” always know best (unless their connections include Barack Obama, in which case they’re sell-outs). For example, when asked why her organization was orchestrating a campaign to sandbag actual feminist Kim Gandy in her bid for a Department of Labor post, Siskind replied:

…[We] very purposely chose to not list line items as to why we do not endorse Gandy. But suffice it to say that it was unanimous (less one) amongst our Founders group who are prominent women from around the country and perhaps, through our connections, we know more information than you know. Could that be?

Lady Lynn, proprietress of Ascott House and self-appointed spokeswoman for “hard-working Americans,” couldn’t have said it better herself.

Crackpot Casserole

2010-01-29T08:33:00.009-05:00

Like many distinctive recipes, the Crackpot Casserole has a back story. It’s not particularly interesting. But unlike the typical recipe that features ingredients available in your local mega-mart, you’ll need to know the back story to find the ingredients for Crackpot Casserole.

INGREDIENTS:

1 obscure, ethically challenged lefty blogger
1 pearl clutching wingnut drama queen with an advanced persecution complex
1 ridiculous conspiracy theory
3-?? innocent bystanders
Several handfuls of absurdly credulous wingnut blogs and media outlets

STEP-BY-STEP DIRECTIONS:

This is a unique casserole in that the ingredients interact with each other to produce various actions -- some deliberately and some as passive elements. Here's how it works:

The first ingredient initiates contact with the second, which produces a chemical reaction in the second ingredient caused by greed and a desperate need for attention. That in turn produces the third ingredient.
The second ingredient then adds liberal (heh!) sprinklings of the fourth ingredient to the third to form the basic casserole.
Then, like a mom hiding Brussels sprouts in a bowl of Spaghetti-O’s, the second ingredient cleverly disguises the fourth ingredient as red meat to make it attractive to the fifth ingredient.
To complete the casserole, the fifth ingredient has to swallow the concoction described in Step 3.

Since the fifth ingredient thrives on red meat -- regardless of the source -- silly stuff like fact-checking and regular old common sense go straight down the garbage disposal, and -- voila! -- Crackpot Casserole!

YIELD:

Albee-esque levels of absurdity, aided and abetted by irresponsible "anchors" such as Breitbart TV's Scott Baker and Liz Stephens, who fail to do even the most rudimentary fact-checking, such as reading or contacting the owners of the blogs they display on their "program" to check if the outlandish claims made by their "guest" are true.

It seems fake pimp James O'Keefe sets the journalistic standards at Breitbart's joint. But anyway, the fully baked Crackpot Casserole can be sampled here starting at around the 27-minute mark. Bon appétit!

Attn: Crazy People

2010-01-28T19:17:00.004-05:00

The loopy huckster at Hillbuzz.org is attempting to shake down the simple-minded cranks who read his blog for donations by pretending to be the target of a vast leftwing conspiracy. Since he’s using little ol’ me (among others) as a boogie(wo)man to scare up donations, I thought I‘d respond here for any delusional Hilldos or train-wreck rubberneckers who drop by to have a look around.

[If you don’t know what I’m talking about, do yourself a favor and go read War and Peace or something instead of this long-ass post. It’s about the dumbest controversy in the history of the internet, and that’s saying something. You’ve been warned!]

Anyway, it appears one of the Hillbuzzard nutsacks (if indeed there are more than one – “they” generally employ the royal “we,” but maybe it’s a multiple personality disorder thing…) was targeted by an obscure blogger (BigotBasher) who looked up publicly available whois data on Hillbuzz.org and published the personal information it contained on his obscure blog, along with accusations that the Hillbuzzard dude is a racist and a GOP ratfucker.

Although whois data is freely available, I don’t approve of “outing” people who blog pseudonymously and have neither done so nor tolerated anyone else doing so on any blog over which I have administrative control. I have zero connection with this BigotBasher guy, aside from the fact that he has commented on some blogs I write for and / or comment on. That’s it.

Vast leftwing conspiracy or the fevered imagination of a pearl clutching drama queen?

But on the strength of that flimsy connection, the Hillbuzzard dude has concocted and continues to embellish an absurd conspiracy theory, claiming that I (and other people whose “connection” to BigotBasher is as tangential as mine) are all part of an organized global plot to defame him. Here’s an excerpt from a breathless broadside published shortly after the whole mess broke out earlier this week:

Almost IMMEDIATELY after BigotBasher launched his attack on us, that post was picked up by The Daily Kos and DemocraticUnderground. A host of other Leftist, Obama-supporting sites followed suit, repeating TheBigotBasher story as fact.

Actually, it looks like what happened was that BigotBasher published the same diatribe he published on his own blog to diaries he maintains at DailyKos and DU – diaries that anyone with a computer connection can set up. For free. Without personally knowing Markos Moulitsas.

BigotBasher got very little traffic on it until the Hillbuzzard frootloop started bellowing like ruptured cow about the incident. Google it yourself and see if it looks anything like BigotBasher’s post was “distributed to millions of people” as the Hillbuzzard claims prior to his own efforts to publicize it.

Anyhoo, as the week went by, the Hillbuzzard published ever-loopier claims that the Leftist web he imagines goes all the way up to the DNC and Obama himself. He offers no evidence of this, nor of the claims that he’s been harassed and threatened aside from insults and personal info published by a single, obscure blogger.

Hilldos engage in the behavior they decry against innocent bystanders

Why do I care what this deranged loon says? Well, I don’t really, despite the fact that he has repeatedly encouraged his equally nutty readers to scour the internet for clues to my real name and personal information. But by using the “vast leftwing conspiracy” angle as bait, the Hillbuzzard has garnered attention for his outlandish claims from some irresponsible, high-profile wingnuts (including Glenn Reynolds, among others).

Apparently my humble little blog was mentioned and displayed briefly on Breitbart TV today, along with speculation about my obsession with casseroles! Honest to god, these people’s brains are as fried as Durkee French Onion bits left too long in a 450-degree oven.

The whole thing is pretty funny, really, except for one thing. In the numerous, interminable sob-story posts he’s put up on this topic to generate donations and sympathy, the Hillbuzzard whines about the unfairness of being outed online and decries the hideous consequences of said outing – including alleged loss of employment and even being dumped by a boyfriend who ran away in panic at the specter of the Leftist Horde arrayed against the ‘Buzzard. But even as he publicly sobs about his own fate, he encourages the most irresponsible speculation and allows his commenters to publish personal information about completely innocent bystanders.

For example, one of the geniuses in his comments section leapt to the conclusion that since I use the internet handle “Betty Cracker,” I must be the owner of the bettycracker.com domain name. Well, I’m not. But that didn’t stop the fool from publishing the name, address, business site, etc., of the poor dude who actually does own that domain name (to advertise a band that went by that name, from what I can gather).

One of the commenters suggested visiting this totally innocent bystander with a baseball bat. Now, I’m pretty sure that cowardly bunch of blowhards wouldn’t follow through on such a threat – they’d scatter at the sight of a broom-wielding kindergartner, I bet. But still, given the level of derangement on display among the Hilldos, it’s irresponsible as hell to encourage them.

And it’s hypocritical as hell for the person who is presiding over it all to wallow in self pity (and collect donations) for the consequences of his own outing and the alleged threats he's endured (for which he offers no evidence) while simultaneously encouraging the drooling morons who infest his comments section to post information on uninvolved people and tolerate threats against them right on his own blog.

I don’t know whether or not the Hillbuzzard is a racist. But he’s definitely a feckless jerk. And anyone who helps him peddle his foolish story is an irresponsible ass.

Fox, meet henhouse

2009-10-27T12:18:00.001-04:00

Holy god, did Obama ever shit in his hat when he called out Fox News! Per NewsBusters:

If the Obama administration's attack on Fox News was designed to diminish the cable network's influence, the White House has failed miserably.

In fact, since Anita Dunn's now infamous appearance on CNN's "Reliable Sources" when she claimed Fox isn't a real news network, the cabler has seen HUGE gains in overall viewing AND in the important demographic aged 25 to 54.

If this is Obama's effectiveness attacking a cable network, we should all be concerned about his ability to protect our nation from REAL enemies.

Ooookay. We know that, unlike any other cable news network or the American public in general, the majority of Fox News viewers are Republicans. So what are these majority-Republican viewers hearing on Fox News?

I took a look, and I thought for a moment I had been whisked away in Chic Bob’s time machine, where the dial is always stuck on 2000:

They’re hearing the same shit we pinkos heard in 2000! Just exchange phrases like “the poor,” “the drug war,” and “climate change” with stuff like “the unborn,”“ACORN” and “war on terra,” and the language is practically indistinguishable. I say it’s time to deputize Fox to guard that particular henhouse 24/7.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

I smell a rat

2009-10-13T08:45:00.003-04:00

So an industry flak organization, America's Health Insurance Plans, releases a report two days before the Baucus bill is expected to pass the Finance Committee. The report says if the bill is enacted, insurers will be forced to dramatically increase premiums so that annual family health insurance costs will equal more than half of the current median household income within 10 years:

The report said selected provisions of a bill from the Senate Finance Committee could increase premiums 18 percent more than they would otherwise rise in the next decade, to an average of nearly $26,000 for families and $9,700 for individuals in 2019.

If the committee approves the bill on Tuesday, as Democrats expect, Senate leaders plan to combine it with another Senate bill and take the package to the Senate floor, for a debate that could begin this month.

Democratic leaders and reform supporters were quick to denounce the industry-funded report, calling it "distorted and flawed" and "fundamentally dishonest." On the MSNBC yappy heads programs yesterday, some, including the estimable Rep. Anthony Wiener, cited the report's conclusions as further evidence that there needs to be a strong public option to keep the private insurers honest.

Others (Ed Schultz, for example, and a senate finance aide) went so far as to insinuate that issuing the report now was a huge tactical blunder on the part of the insurance industry -- that by showing their hand so brazenly, the industry has given the Dems the opportunity to frame the terms of the coming congressional debate:

"Instead of creating doubts, the report is actually having the opposite effect and has drawn a lot of ire from those who support reforms," the aide said. "Frankly, it will create a lot of momentum in the Senate to pass reform."

Don't be so sure. The insurance industry is greedy, heartless and rapacious. But it's not stupid. I think they have a two-level strategy here: First, to re-arm the GOP naysayers with fresh ammo they can use to scare the shit out of people who already have insurance. In 10 years, half your income will go towards supporting lazy, shiftless bottom-feeders!

The second level of the strategy is to rally the Dems around Baucus' crappy plan as it stands now.. It's a briar-patch strategy that could pay off -- if the Baucus plan passes substantially intact instead of being used as a framework on which to add meaningful cost-control measures like a strong public option, the insurance industry gets millions of new customers, permission to keep screwing those of us who have insurance with skyrocketing premiums and escapes the modicum of accountability a public option would create.

Don't fall for it, Dems.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

It takes a village, people

2009-10-12T09:10:00.000-04:00

This strategy could actually work:

Ginning up outrage against health care reform efforts that would benefit most Fox viewers is more complicated than sending them into gay panic. Not that the GOP is incapable of it, as we've seen this summer. But convincing even dolts to agitate against their own interests involves some effort: It entails telling and sustaining lies and partnerships with corporations to fund the scare-mongering, with the object being to move the uninformed middle toward one side via sheer volume.

The teabag demo is already prejudiced against LGBT equality and will eagerly pounce on any moves toward advancing it. But there's no real corporate motivation to massively fund an effort to stymie LGBT equality initiatives. As Maher points out, a well-timed repeal of DADT could suck all the oxygen out of the anti-health reform movement by giving the lemmings who underpin it a shinier object on which to focus. And it's the right thing to do into the bargain.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

"Pop" goes the weasel

2009-10-02T14:52:00.003-04:00

Another monumentally dumb idea from National Review’s Augean stable of bloggers -- John J. Miller highlights a reader’s objection to the proposed soft drink tax and suggests dubbing wingnut “tea parties” “pop parties” instead:

These people don’t know shit about branding or regional language differences. The whole “tea party” thing is supposed to invoke the Boston Tea Party, taxation without representation, coiled snake flags, etc., right?

If you call it a “pop party,” not only do you junk the historical references, none of the repressed drag queens in Glenn Beck’s 9/12 Patriot Clubs get to dress up in tights and tri-cornered hats. Total buzz-kill.

Also, unlike Miller’s self-admittedly smelly correspondent, many people in the country don’t even call soft drinks “pop.” According to this unimpeachable source, “soda” edges out “pop” in many places, and “coke” (used in the generic sense) dominates Dixie:

[Click here for better look at detailed map.]

As someone who might say I’m going to the store to buy “cokes” when I actually intend to purchase Mountain Dew, I can tell you that “pop” grates on my ears like a buzz-saw on a banjo. Judging from the amount of ridicule I encountered for calling generic soft drinks “cokes” during my brief time living in Boston (where they call soft drinks “tonics,” of all things), I think the feeling is heartily mutual.

So go ahead, call it a “pop party.” We non-teabaggers will sit on the sidelines laughing our asses off as the regional soft drink terminology gap causes you to explode into internecine civil war like so many Mentos in a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

"Grassy Knoll" Guh-Daffy: Barking Loon

2009-09-23T18:33:00.000-04:00

Jeebus H. Oliver Stone, Moammar Gaddafi is nuttier than a glue-sniffing ferret on a skateboard. Check it out:

He needs to team up with Orly Taitz pronto, and we’ll finally get to the bottom of everything from who sank the USS Maine to who stole the Sphinx’s nose.

[H/T: The Raw Story; cross-posted at Rumproast]

Monday morning trivia: Separated at birth -- plus: Ducks on parade

2009-09-21T06:51:00.001-04:00

To amplify a point Mrs. Polly made earlier, yes, Birfer Queen Orly Taitz does bear a disturbing resemblance to the Lonely Goatherd puppet from The Sound of Music. I wonder who's pulling her strings?

Also, why don’t more people dress ducks up and parade them around in human clothes? As bipeds, ducks carry it off a lot better than Chihuahuas and housecats. And since they have wings and beaks rather than paws and teeth, it’s much more difficult for them to cast off the humiliating garments:

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

The 50-Second Wingnut

2009-09-09T09:14:00.000-04:00

[H/T: TPM; cross-posted at Rumproast]

Towards a transformative presidency

2009-09-03T09:50:00.000-04:00

Green jobs czar Van Jones concisely lays out the political strategy necessary to accomplish the Obama administration’s objectives:

My only quibble with Mr. Jones’ assessment is that I think Obama might need to asshole up too rather than remaining above the fray. Reagan and GWB didn't shrink from that strategy, which was invaluable in helping them shovel heaping piles of cash to the ruling class while spreading copious amounts of misery to the poor.

PS: Please excuse the odious, mouth-breathing source of the above video.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Joe Klein: Now with extra suck

2009-09-01T08:24:00.001-04:00

I’ll admit it: When Time’s Joe Klein called out John McCain for disgraceful campaign tactics last year and denounced the GOP’s dishonest tactics in the health care debate as nihilism, it almost made me forget how his relentless, craven concern-trolling and Dubya fluffing gave cover to the worst excesses of the Bush administration. Well, no more.

Blogger par excellence Aimai over at No More Mister Nice Blog pwned Klein at a Cape Cod beach party and posted a fascinating account of it, which was picked up at Balloon Juice. In an encounter that reads like an extended version of the “I happen to have Marshall McLuhan right here” scene in Annie Hall, Aimai nails Klein for pretending that there’s any equivalence whatsoever between the rabid loons in actual positions of power in the GOP and the “crazies on the left” Klein imagines balances them out.

She asks Klein to name the Democratic senators and congresscritters who are comparable to the "birthers" and "deathers" occupying House and Senate seats in today’s GOP. Well, Klein can’t, of course, so he attacks Glenn Greenwald instead. And Aimai (rightly) points out that Greenwald has been eating Klein’s lunch for years. Klein is not happy to hear this.

So how does Klein respond? With a petty Time blog post in which Klein makes a derogatory, dismissive reference to Aimai and amplifies his silly attacks on Greenwald’s patriotism:

For the past several years, Greenwald has conducted a persistent, malicious campaign to distort who I am and where I stand. He is a mean-spirited, graceless bully. During that time, I have never seen him write a positive sentence about the US military, which has transformed itself dramatically for the better since Rumsfeld's departure (indeed, he ridiculed me when I reported that the situation in Anbar Province was turning around in 2007). I have never seen him acknowledge that the work of the clandestine service—performed disgracefully by the CIA during the early Bush years—is an absolute necessity in a world where terrorists have the capability to attack us at any time, in almost any place. Nor have I seen [him] acknowledge that such a threat exists, nor make a single positive suggestion about how to confront that threat in ways that might conform to his views. Therefore, I have seen no evidence that he cares one whit about the national security of the United States. It is not hyperbole, it is a fact.

Well, I’ve never personally seen a Klein column that denounces pedophilia, so would it be okay to conclude that he’s all for it? What an ass.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Crist almighty

2009-08-31T14:25:00.002-04:00

Florida's junior US Senator Mel Martinez pulled a Palin earlier this month and resigned his seat. A GWB lackey and RNC chief who had the unenviable task of serving as RNC Hispanic outreach coordinator in the party of Tancredo after the poisonous immigration bill debate, Martinez had previously said he wouldn’t run for reelection but that he’d serve out his term.

His decision to skedaddle early spurred widespread speculation: Was Martinez resigning ahead of a sensational Appalachian Trail-style revelation? Was he intimidated by the ravening wingnut hordes who hate his guts for being insufficiently hostile to Spanish-speaking immigrants, which include Martinez himself? We may never know.

But his abrupt departure sure complicated FL Governor Charlie Crist’s (R-Not Jeb) plans to run for the senate seat. As governor, it fell to Crist to appoint an interim senator. Local pundits speculated that, Goldilocks-like, Crist had to find a seat-warmer who was not too cold, not too hot but juuuuust right in order to avoid conferring a bully pulpit on a prospective rival or a too-obvious toady.

Crist ignored that advice and went full too-obvious toady, appointing his best friend and former campaign manager / chief of staff George LeMieux. That pissed off just about everyone. But can you blame Crist? As Blago wisely said, a senate seat is “fucking golden.” Crist couldn’t just parachute himself in, so he did the next best thing.

Crist walks a fine line in Florida. Hard-core conservatives consider him insufficiently Jeb-like, vaguely gay and too eager to feed at Obama’s socialist stimulus trough. The candidate of that crowd is K-Lo heartthrob Marco Rubio, who is considered Crist’s top GOP rival for the nomination but is running nearly 30 points behind.

Crist is fairly popular despite presiding over imploding housing values and one of the worst job markets in the country. But we’re only one poorly handled hurricane away from a profoundly more sour mood among the electorate, so who knows what will happen.

The consensus among the hard-right, who never trusted Crist anyway, is that this appointment was a bad move that may jeopardize Crist’s formerly near-certain lock on the senate seat nomination. For once, they may be right.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Heeeeeere doggy-doggy!

2009-08-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

Poor choice of words or flagrant dog-whistle?

The Topeka Capitol-Journal reports that freshman Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-KS) told a town hall meeting a week ago that the GOP still had to find a "great white hope."

"Republicans are struggling right now to find the great white hope," said Jenkins. "I suggest to any of you who are concerned about that, who are Republican, there are some great young Republican minds in Washington." As examples, Jenkins mentioned Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA), Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI).

Jenkins' spokeswoman Mary Geiger told the paper that Jenkins' remark was not meant to refer to "race, creed or any background." Said Geiger: "There's no doubt the Republican Party has gone through some dark and challenging times in recent years, but thankfully bright young leaders have stepped up to lead the party into the future and she hopes to be a part of it. That was the intent of her comments -- nothing more and nothing less. Congresswoman Jenkins apologizes for her choice of words."

I know in some quarters it is an article of faith that practically everyone who voted for Obama was on hair-trigger alert to play the race card at the smallest provocation. I think that’s mostly bullshit. But Jesus Gerry Cooney Christ, “great white hope”? Really?

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

2009-08-26T16:46:00.000-04:00

Doggy bloggy

2009-08-20T09:21:00.003-04:00

Here's a picture of our mama dog (who is getting fixed in a few weeks) and the puppy we kept:

Why did we keep that one? Well, she was the only one who showed any signs of musical talent:

We found excellent homes for the rest of the litter. I miss them. Their mess? Not so much...

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Express service to Crazytown

2009-08-12T18:14:00.001-04:00

Of course Glenn Beck is crazier than a sprayed roach -- even GOP congressmen and Bill O’Reilly know that. Even Joe Scarborough knows it. But you know Beck is perched at the top of the cuckoo tree when his own wingnut-stocked panel avert their eyes like commuters trying to avoid a crazy person on the subway.

Watch the guests squirm as Beck outlines the loony connection between the green movement, forced abortions and sterilizations and health care reform -- a connection that exists only in Beck's squirrely noggin:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Jeebus, I almost felt sorry for the guests -- it’s like watching a hostage video. The whole segment is here.

[H/T: Morning Joe; cross-posted at Rumproast]

Watering the tree

2009-08-11T12:47:00.003-04:00

TPM screen capped a couple of stills from an MSNBC broadcast of teabaggers gathering in New Hampshire prior to the president's scheduled town hall meeting:

This guy:

And his gun:

The cops on the scene assured MSNBC that all is well:

The local police tell MSNBC that the man is legally carrying the gun, is nowhere near where the President will be, and is "under constant surveillance."

Jesus, I hope so. But thanks to demagogues like Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, who have convinced a great number of brainless ninnies that health care reform will result in rationing the Charmin with which they wipe their dumb asses, it's hard to see how this summer ends without a nutbag taking a potshot at someone.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Teabagged in See-gar City

2009-08-07T07:45:00.000-04:00

Well, that was a gigantic waste of time:

My local rep, Kathy Castor, did her best to facilitate a discussion on health care reform last night. But Glenn Beck-inspired mobs of corpulent, polyester-clad Medicare recipients managed to shout down any dialogue by shrieking about socialized medicine for 2 hours. May a bad batch of Sea-Bond weld their upper and lower dentures together for all eternity.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Innocents Aboard: An RV Travelogue of Appalachia

2009-08-04T10:20:00.006-04:00

Did you know most brake fluids have a dry boiling point of over 400 degrees Fahrenheit? What’s even more amazing is how quickly that temperature can be exceeded if you’re, say, using the brakes to keep a 5-ton camper containing your beloved mother, your only child and yourself from plunging over a 900-foot cliff on one of the Blue Ridge Parkway’s many terrifying, inadequately guard-railed hairpin turns.

Learning about the pitfalls of riding one’s brakes from this roadside mechanic was one of many highlights of my just-concluded RV vacation in the Appalachians:

I paid $400 for the lesson and subsequently learned that all you have to do when your brakes underperform due to boiling brake fluid is to pull over in a “scenic overlook” (if you’re on the Parkway) or near a “runaway truck ramp” (if you’re on one of the regular old 45-degree-angled highways) and wait 35-40 minutes for your brakes to cool. Then you can go on your merry way.

That length of time is coincidentally about the amount required to remove the shit stains from the upholstery -- the shit stains that occur after you attempt to apply the brake when down-shifting is inadequate to slow your hurtling descent toward a cliff and your foot hits the fucking floor.

FLATLANDERS

Oh, don’t think I can’t hear the derisive chuckles from you veteran mountain road-trippers from here. But I was born and raised and have lived nearly my entire life in Florida. And one of the top features of this state -- right behind the giant, indestructible flying cockroaches, crooked elections and heat -- is its flatness.

Anyway, going uphill in the mountains is scary enough in the rickety-ass RV I drove every single mile of the trip. (My mom flatly refuses to ever drive it and usually makes her boyfriend do it, but he wasn’t along for the trip, and my daughter is several years away from license age, so it was all up to me.) But going downhill is WAY scarier.

When I planned the excursion and made reservations in RV parks throughout the mountains from my flat, swampy home, I was too dumb to realize that a park located on the TOP of a ridge signified a white-knuckled, bearing-squealing, swaying ascent dramatically accompanied by the whine of an engine straining to the breaking point and the rattling of every single pot, pan, plate, glass and piece of cutlery as gravity slams them against the cupboard walls at each turn. And here I had thought higher elevations just meant it would be more scenic. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

After we arrived at the reception station at our first truly mountainous park, we were of course relieved to have lived to reach the top. Mumsy was already hard at work de-corking a bottle of cabernet. But then the park reception dude pointed at our actual camping site, which was, I shit you not, accessible only by a narrow path so steep it barely qualified as an acute angle. It was mercifully both paved and short, so we made it up, gratefully disembarked and immediately leapt into tall tumblers of wine (well, the kid went for root beer and started clamoring for S’mores).

We stayed at that place for several days. We had planned to take the RV into town and explore the surrounding countryside during day trips. Ha! We ended up not moving the RV an inch and only left the park once -- taking a $60 taxi ride into town for more wine -- because we were just too terrified to face that mountain road again until it was absolutely necessary.

THE CRYING AT LOT #15

When the day arrived to move on, we made the terrifying descent, foolishly filled with optimism by the prospect of a ride on the parkway, which we had not yet experienced and thought would surely feature more level roadways. But it was there that our brakes failed the first time and we learned our expensive lesson about downshifting. After the guy with the “purdy mouth” above checked our brakes, delivered instructions and made off with his hefty “roadside assistance” fee, we were on our way to the next spot.

Because of the delay necessitated by the brake failure and subsequent 4-hour wait for our rustic roadside savior’s arrival, we didn’t reach the parkway exit for our next campground until darkness had fallen. It started to rain. I found the road leading up to our campground and was dismayed to note that it was even steeper than the one leading to the last site. But after a horrifying 35-minute ascent, we found that the worst was yet to come.

A dilapidated sign bearing the name of the campground we sought loomed next to a narrow, gravel driveway that sloped downward at an alarming angle and disappeared into the trees. Mumsy and I looked at each other, but what could we do? We made the turn and immediately slid down what can only be described as a gravel flume and skidded to a stop outside a darkened reception shack. A sign said we could check in at lot #15 and pointed the way to an equally steep gravel path leading straight UP and disappearing into even more trees.

“You have GOT to be fucking kidding me,” I muttered, but Mumsy was already pulling the cork from that night’s bottle of pinot noir, and I was hearing alarming howls from the rain-soaked woods, so I backed up to get a running start, popped the rig into drive and floored it to make the ascent.

I stopped in front of the rusty travel trailer at lot #15 and knocked on the door until an elderly man in boots and pair of boxer shorts answered. I explained that I had a reservation for one night only and that I sincerely hoped a spot could be found that did not entail further up or downhill driving, which elicited a blank stare and open mouth. As I spoke, nearby tent flaps and camper doors were flung open, and their occupants issued forth to join the circle of light outside #15, by all accounts fresh from a Deliverance cast reunion.

The old man in the boxer shorts continued to look confused, opening and closing his mouth as wordlessly as a fish. Finally, a gangly, officious yahoo stepped in front of the old man and said, “I’m in charge here. Who are you?”

I again said my name, mentioned the reservation made weeks earlier and launched into an earnest entreaty for a spot that did not require further precipitous ascents or descents. He interrupted to again assert that he was in charge and to ask, “Who are you?”

I said, “I TOLD you who I am, and I have a RESERVATION!” If I hadn’t been at the bottom of what seemed to be a mountainside gravel quarry, I would have stomped back to the RV that very moment and found the nearest 24-hour Wal-Mart Superstore parking lot in which to stop for the night. But we were where we were, so I took a deep breath, calmly repeated my name, re-stated the fact I had made a reservation weeks earlier and re-expressed my desire for a close-by spot.

It worked because our inquisitive host (whom Mumsy designated “Al Haig” due to his take-charge nature) directed us to a spot between the old codger in boxer shorts and a small tent occupied by an odd-looking youth who had emerged to gawp at us during the transaction (his gaping mouth led us to conclude that he was the old man’s grandson).

Once we’d backed in and hooked up, everyone went back to their canvas and aluminum abodes, which, from the quantity of rusting equipment and other crap piled around each one, appeared to be permanent homes rather than travelers’ temporary quarters.

COYOTES IN THE MIDST

We felt fortunate when our bucolic Al Haig informed us that the camp bathhouse was located directly across from our lot. Until we saw the interior of that building, that is. It was a horror of a place featuring filthy, crud-encrusted cracked linoleum counters that appeared to have been the site of a recent engine disembowelment, cob-web enshrouded pipes sporting gigantic spiders and moldy floor mats in the showers that not only encouraged showerers to keep on their flip-flops but might inspire the more germ-phobic to don a full hazmat suit.

Despite the facility’s defects, Mumsy repaired there to wash away the effects of our harrowing journey after chugging a couple of glasses of wine. I stayed at the campsite to guard the sleeping kid and tend a fitful campfire we’d started. I was paranoid from my encounter with the campground denizens, so I kept watch with a glass of wine in one hand and an extra long and heavy metal Maglite flashlight in the other.

I saw what I took for a dog moving from the shadows on the path toward the pool of dim light between our campsite and the bathhouse. But it didn’t move like a dog -- it sort of slithered along. I shined my light on it and immediately realized that it wasn’t a dog at all but rather a coyote with glowing yellow eyes, and a pretty good-sized one, maybe 50 pounds.

Just as I thought, “Oh shit, I hope Mumsy doesn’t walk out of the bathhouse while this coyote is here,” Mumsy walked out of the bathhouse while the coyote was there.

“Stay where you are!” I said. She froze, and the coyote melted away into the shadows. She ran to the camper, gulped down another glass of pinot noir and turned in for the night. I stood guard with my Maglite until I was fairly confident we would be menaced by no more men nor beasts for the night. I noticed that our neighbor’s small tent was equipped with a TV and that he seemed to have Scarface or another movie prominently featuring car chases and machine-gun fire on continuous loop.

He also had an electronic air pump which he employed frequently. At first I thought he was just inflating an air mattress. But the pump kept coming on at approximately 10-minute intervals all night long. Leaky mattress? Leaking blow-up doll? I’ll never know. Eventually I too was swept away by the sandman.

TROUBLING SIGNS

We all uncharacteristically arose at the crack of dawn to get the hell out of that RV park. Daylight exposed it as both more beautiful (the countryside) and more scary (the roads) than we’d realized under cover of darkness.

As we began our downward descent, we kept seeing ominous signs about the road. Steep downgrades and sharp curves are to be expected. But the subsequent signs were almost taunting, something like, “You think THIS is bad? It gets worse!” Of course we were too paralyzed with terror to take pictures of those signs, but trust me, they were that scary.

About half way down the mountain, we experienced our second brake failure and pulled over in a lane prior to a truck brake-cooling lane and runaway truck ramp. I called the guy who had charged me $400 to “fix” our brakes on the parkway the day before and learned that in fact he intervened in no important way and that all I had to do was wait for the brakes to cool and go on.

I called every mechanically inclined person I know to verify the advice. We briefly considered chartering a helicopter to hoist us down. Eventually we took the leap of faith and continued on our way, and sure enough, the brakes were fine.

EPILOGUE

We arrived back home at 4:30 in the morning on Sunday. It all seems so surreal now. I’ve been wondering ever since -- was it the RV? That wasn’t the first time I’d ever driven through the mountains.

I drove through the Rockies -- twice -- on a cross-country trip in a Volvo station wagon. I drove from Vienna to Salzburg once in a Volkswagen Golf. So what made this trip so uniquely terrifying? It must’ve been the RV. Next time, we’re going to the Keys.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Gone Fishin'

2009-07-24T22:00:00.003-04:00

Off to the piney woods in search of some much-needed R&R. May check in from time to time. Or not. Have a good end of July!

Better than Velvet Elvis

2009-07-23T10:03:00.002-04:00

Not to horn in on Instaputz territory, but it’s necessary to note that some wingnut bloggers are bewailing the ejection of a “Free Market Warrior” kiosk from a North Carolina mall, including Karl Rove’s favorite blogger.

Why is it necessary to note this utterly predictable kerfluffle? Because it provides an opportunity to mock some of the merchandise Free Market Warrior offers, such as this:

And to compare it unfavorably to this:

Seriously, do people really purchase such items? (I mean the "GOP President Jigsaw Puzzle," of course -- not the iconic "Dogs Playing Poker" painting, which is prominently displayed in all God-fearing homes.)

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Momsense

2009-07-21T08:01:00.001-04:00

Good Morning America (curses upon them for refusing to allow video embedding) interviewed Secretary of State Clinton yesterday in New Delhi. Secretary Clinton had a fascinating take on several topics, including the manufactured controversy over her alleged “marginalization:”

President Obama's former rival in the Democratic presidential race scoffed at recent reports that she had been marginalized.

"How can it frustrate me, it's so ridiculous, there's no basis for it," Clinton said when asked whether she is frustrated by reports of marginalization.

"I could not be more satisfied working with the president," she said.

That blunt response won’t stop roosters from taking credit for crowing up the sunrise, but there it is.

Unlike Fox News military analyst Ralph Peters, Secretary Clinton believes captured American soldier Bowe Bergdahl is worth saving:

Clinton told ABC News the United States is "doing everything we can to locate him and free him."

"It's just outrageous," she said. "It's a real sign of desperation and inappropriate criminal behavior on the parts of these terrorist groups, so we are going to do everything we can to get him."

Clinton said she was not free to talk about whether the soldier, Army Pvt. Bowe Bergdahl, was still in Afghanistan. But she repeated her offer to welcome anyone supporting the Taliban to lay down their arms.

My favorite part of the interview was when Clinton described the new philosophy for dealing with North Korea:

Another major problem the secretary faces is North Korea, which has tested missiles and has been relentless in its pursuit of nuclear weapon capability. Clinton acknowledged that the Obama administration has shifted its approach toward North Korea by not responding to its provocations.

"We weren't going to give the North Koreans the satisfaction they were looking for, which was ... to elevate them again to center stage," she told ABC. "What we've seen, constant demand for attention. Maybe it's the mother in me or the experience that I've had with small children and unruly teenagers and people who are demanding attention. Don't give it to them. They don't deserve it. They are acting out to send a message that we're not interested in receiving."

Clinton added that she doesn't know whether North Korea will go ahead and launch a long-range missile but, surprisingly, downplayed any threat from the country.

"We understand their capabilities, which are not all that great frankly, their military doesn't pose a threat to us," she said. "We know our allies -- Japan and South Korea -- are very concerned. They watch what we watch and we know what's really going on there."

Lord knows I’m no diplomat, but this is a refreshing change from the Bush era approach of pretending every tin-horn despot and blustering bully was an existential threat. I’m so glad the grown-ups are back in charge.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

All-Star Delusions

2009-07-15T07:39:00.000-04:00

Last night, the president threw the ceremonial first pitch at the All Star Game in St. Louis. It was hard to assess the quality of the pitch thanks to Fox’s shitty camera angle. But as Steve M. over at No More Mr. Nice Blog notes, wingnut codpiece worshipers like Gateway Pundit quickly dubbed it a “sissy pitch” and compared it unfavorably to the Worst President Ever’s post-9/11 toss. Because that’s what really matters.

And in fairness, I think former Andover cheerleader George W. Bush did throw a better pitch than former Punahou School basketball team stand-out Barack Obama, though it was hard to be sure thanks to the geniuses at Fox.

But was Obama roundly booed as the mouth-breathers are claiming? You be the judge:

I’d call it a mixed reception – some cheers, some boos – and not too surprising in a state McCain carried by less than 1 percentage point. Now this is booing:

And this. Also:

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Pugilistic Pegs Pummels Palin

2009-07-10T13:27:00.001-04:00

Ho ho ho, wingnut smack-down alert! I knew from the moment she literally called bullshit on the Palin pick that Peggy Noonan wasn’t wholeheartedly on board the SS Sarah. But damn! Magic dolphin believer and Reagan saddle-sniffer though she is, Pegs sees the Wingnut Thrillah from Wasilla's true colors:

In television interviews she was out of her depth in a shallow pool. She was limited in her ability to explain and defend her positions, and sometimes in knowing them. She couldn't say what she read because she didn't read anything. She was utterly unconcerned by all this and seemed in fact rather proud of it: It was evidence of her authenticity. She experienced criticism as both partisan and cruel because she could see no truth in any of it. She wasn't thoughtful enough to know she wasn't thoughtful enough. Her presentation up to the end has been scattered, illogical, manipulative and self-referential to the point of self-reverence. "I'm not wired that way," "I'm not a quitter," "I'm standing up for our values." I'm, I'm, I'm.

In another age it might not have been terrible, but here and now it was actually rather horrifying.

Then Pegs demolishes fellow wingnuts’ Palin reclamation project recommendations with a series of jabs and a roundhouse punch in the snoot:

"She makes the Republican Party look inclusive." She makes the party look stupid, a party of the easily manipulated.

"She shows our ingenuous interest in all classes." She shows your cynicism.

"Now she can prepare herself for higher office by studying up, reading in, boning up on the issues." Mrs. Palin's supporters have been ordering her to spend the next two years reflecting and pondering. But she is a ponder-free zone. She can memorize the names of the presidents of Pakistan, but she is not going to be able to know how to think about Pakistan. Why do her supporters not see this? Maybe they think "not thoughtful" is a working-class trope!

"The media did her in." Her lack of any appropriate modesty did her in.

Yowza! Pegs is the Shep Smith of the Wall Street Journal opinion page. Rock on, sistah!

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Guest Post: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton

2009-07-07T12:04:00.002-04:00

[Editor's note: We are extremely honored to have Secretary of State Clinton here at our humble blog. Take it away, Madam Secretary!]

I’m right here, pinheads!

By the Honorable Hillary Clinton, United States Secretary of State

My fellow Americans, I’ve been extremely busy lately, working hard to move this administration’s agenda forward all over the world. About a week and a half ago, I met with Israeli Foreign Minister Lieberman about freezing settlement expansions, which are often a roadblock to peace in that troubled part of the world.

To emphasize our focus on a two-state solution and promote economic development in the region, I also spoke with Prime Minister and Minister of Finance of the Palestinian Authority Salam Fayyad last week.

And today I’m meeting with the rightful President of Honduras. My goal is to underscore this administration’s support for that nation’s duly elected leader, who was recently ousted in an unlawful military coup.

I was scheduled to visit Italy and Greece late last month to attend meetings with Group of Eight counterparts on Iran, the Middle East peace process and the Afghanistan War and to participate in a meeting with the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe about tensions between Russia and Georgia. However, I had to cancel that trip because I’m recovering from surgery on my elbow.

In light of all these activities and the success this administration has had in defusing tension throughout the world in the wake of George W. Bush’s disastrous presidency – success I was instrumental in achieving – you’d think I’d get some credit and recognition, if not from my political enemies, at least from those who say they support me, right? Wrong.

According to this nitwit and her “sources” at Michelle Malkin’s Hot Air blog, I’m not one of the most powerful women on earth and a tireless advocate for peace and prosperity around the globe. According to her, I am a helpless victim of dastardly men, locked away in a tower like Rapunzel.

Talk about insulting and demeaning. Yeah, those folks at The New Agenda have “got my back” alright – I can feel their shivs. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with President Zelaya to attend. Someone tell Barack it's time to remove the shackles.

What does Sarah Palin's resignation mean for women in politics?

2009-07-06T09:41:00.001-04:00

Nothing. This is all about Palin. I see several possibilities:

1. Maybe she’s resigning ahead of a scandal.
2. Maybe she’s leveraging her current high profile to rake in some speaking fees and / or do a Huckabee-style Fox show rather than dealing with the nasty business of governing.
3. Maybe she wants to get the hell out of Alaska before the snow flies.
4. Maybe she wants to concentrate on her family.
5. Maybe she wants to start a Palin Defense League and go after her critics.
6. Maybe she’s following her well-established pattern and bailing to go after a bigger job.
7. Maybe she’s surrounded by sycophants who didn’t tell her how this would look.

Her resignation might mean any or all of this. But what it doesn’t mean is that poor old Palin was driven out of politics by mean old sexism. It doesn’t mean we’ve reverted back to Mayberry circa 1960.

This is Sarah the Barracuda we’re talking about. The sitting governor who yucked it up with a pair of shock jocks as they called an opponent (and cancer survivor) a “bitch” and a “cancer” and implied the opponent didn’t like her own children. The candidate who eagerly joined ancient sexist and crude jokester McCain’s campaign.

And we're supposed to believe Palin got the vapors over a comedian making a tasteless joke and photoshop job on a blog? Yeah, right. Pardon me if I fail to lock arms with the wounded sisterhood over Palin’s exit from the Alaska governor’s office, which some would have us believe is “a dark moment for our country:”

What am I going to tell my daughter?

That was the first thing that popped into my mind this afternoon after watching Governor Palin step down.

My 11 year-old daughter adores Sarah Palin. She is too young to understand pro-choice and pro-life. The difference between drilling and being environmentally cautions. My daughter looks at Sarah Palin and she sees herself.

Forgive a mother’s brag, but my almost-11-year-old daughter seems to be a little more politically astute. She doesn’t totally get the pro-choice and pro-life thing, but she knows it’s an important issue that sharply divides conservatives and liberals. (I had to explain that to her 5 years ago when one of her friends -- whose parents’ views closely mirror those of the Palins -- told her she shouldn’t vote for John Kerry in the elementary school’s mock election because Kerry thinks it’s okay to “kill babies.” Thanks for making me explain abortion to a 1st grader, wingnut assholes!)

As a junior activist in the local “Save the Manatee” organization, my kiddo understands environmental issues pretty well. She thought Palin’s “drill, baby, drill!” shtick was both dumb and short-sighted.

Who knows -- the kid might rebel and disgrace us someday by growing up to be a Republican activist or country music singer. But the point is, even at that age, kids are capable of understanding the basic stuff and comprehending why people might disagree vociferously -- and even call each other names, which we adults learned on the playground, after all.

Palin -- and Hillary Clinton even more so, in my opinion -- were subjected to sexist attacks during their campaigns. Big fat duh there. Obama was subjected to racist attacks. Again, duh. That’s wrong, and it should be called out when it happens.

But to act as if the latest melodrama from a wingnut flake blots out the noon-day sun and dashes hope for women and girls nationwide is, well, stupid and hysterical.* I didn’t agree with Palin about much during the campaign, but there is some truth to what she said here.

Palin knows how to rev up her fan base, so she’ll no doubt run with the martyrdom meme if it gains traction. But this Vagina-American ain’t buying it. I hope to see a woman president someday, but one who supports women’s issues (like the Ledbetter Act, for example), not George W. Bush in drag. Even my 10-year-old kid gets that.

*I am aware that “melodramatic,” “flake,” “stupid” and “hysterical” can be used as slurs against women. They can also be earned labels for either sex. And in this case, they are.

[H/T: Wonkette. Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Headline FAIL

2009-06-30T12:47:00.003-04:00

Did you know Joe Biden writes for The New Agenda blog? I bet he would be surprised by it too, especially with that flaming example of headline FAIL attached to “his” post.

Or maybe it's not headline FAIL. It’s hard to believe anyone could be so obtuse as to accidentally pair that photo with that headline.

And make a special “get it up” image to go along with the article:
And, when a commenter said, “I know you don’t mean to slur Mr. Biden, but that headline of yours needs a lot of help,” lamely admit that “okay maybe that headline was a little obscure” [ed – I do not think that word means what you think it means…] but let it stand.

Biden said a lot about the scourge of domestic violence in that piece. Was “get it up” really the key message? Maybe if, on your planet, Biden is chiefly an associate of The Hillary Usurper and an erstwhile foe of Our Lady of Wasilla it does. The New Agenda? Ye Olde PUMA. Same as it ever was.

PS: Why does "The New Agenda" put "feminism" in "quotes" in its "tagline"?

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

ObamaCare

2009-06-26T09:59:00.001-04:00

Did anyone watch ABC’s Prescription for America town hall thingie with Obama Wednesday? It was predictably short on specifics, but that didn’t stop alarmists on both sides from forming wildly contradictory theories:

A: Obama is a socialist who is determined to drive private insurance companies out of business and post government apparatchiks at hospital bedsides to pull the plug when the meter on Granny runs too high.

--OR--

B. Obama is an insurance industry stooge who is determined to squander America’s last chance to enact a sane system that covers all (and, oh yeah, Hillary would’ve had this wrapped up by January 21, easy).

As I’ve mentioned before, the only health care reform plan that makes sense is a single payer scheme. Health care wasn’t even an issue for me in the primaries because I thought both Obama’s and Clinton’s proposals sucked big green gators.

That said, if we want our government to at least take a step in the right direction (i.e., field a public health option), maybe we should listen to Robert Reich:

...As FDR said in the reelection campaign of 1936 when a lady insisted that if she were to vote for him he must commit to a long list of objectives, "Ma’am, I want to do those things, but you must make me."

We must make Obama do the right things. Email, write, and phone the White House. Do the same with your members of Congress. Round up others to do so. Also: Find friends and family members in red states who agree with you, and get them fired up to do the same. For example, if you happen to have a good friend or family member in Montana, you might ask him or her to write Max Baucus and tell him they want a public option included in any healthcare bill.

Is citizen lobbying useless? I don’t think so at the executive level. I think Obama wants to do something positive, even if his target is too incremental by far for my taste.

As for lobbying the legislative level, well it might be useless, depending on where you live. I suspect my senators would rather have their prostates removed with red-hot pincers than jump off the insurance company gravy train. Still, it might be more effective than a "pray-in."

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Teeny Wolf

2009-06-25T07:59:00.001-04:00

I don't remember if Gulliver mentioned encountering wolf packs in Lilliput. But if he did, it might sound something like this:

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Unsolicited advice for Meghan McCain

2009-06-22T09:14:00.001-04:00

I have mixed feelings about Ms. McCain. On one hand, I’m glad she’s willing to take on the GOP dinosaurs who want to keep the party focused forever on wedge issues. I applauded when she told Laura Ingraham to kiss her “fat ass” and took on snarling harpy Ann Coulter on Rachel Maddow’s show.

On the other hand, would anyone give a shit what she had to say if she weren’t John McCain’s sorta cutesy, blogging daughter? Nope.

But even more irksome (to me, anyway) is Ms. McCain’s over-reliance on her youth -- her tendency to pull this card, “Um, bitch? I wasn’t even, like, born then!” when challenged on any issue.

It’s perfectly legit in some situations: No person or group should be forced to grapple endlessly with the same issues. Sometimes it’s truly time to move on and tell the dinosaurs to march forward with you or lumber off to the tar pits. The GOP’s demonization of gays and immigrants are great examples.

But the “I wasn’t even born then” card is no excuse for ignorance and an inability to place current events in their historical context. As Paul Begala so deftly demonstrated here:

Begala is absolutely right. McCain arouses chivalrous instincts even in the hard-bitten Maher, which isn’t especially to either’s credit. And McCain’s reaction when her youth card is unceremoniously torn to pieces and tossed in her face is even worse: She pulls the “I’m just a silly blonde” ace. (sigh)

Note to Ms. McCain: As you are keenly aware, your chosen party is at a historically low ebb. Dead guys (Reagan), pugilistic has-beens (Cheney and Gingrich) and psychotic racist assholes (Limbaugh) are its current ugly face. If ever there was a party in search of a new face, GOP 2009 is it.

You seem to want the job. And hey, in this celebrity-driven culture, someone has to have it. Why not you? You don’t seem stupid. Your instincts seem mostly sound. And you have a famous name and vast wealth, which, though unfair advantages, are advantages nonetheless. Through the miracle of hydrogen peroxide, you may always be blonde, but you won’t always be young. Even if that were possible, you still need to be up to the job.

Use the copious leisure time your accidental access to giant piles of cash bestows to learn some history -- not to stay forever mired in your party’s past but to enlighten yourself about its possible future. “All my friends get along -- why can’t everyone?” is a question, not a solution.

Find out the answer, and then get back on my TV. You might say something worth hearing then, which will be a first for a GOP spokesperson since, like, way before you were born.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Old man gets all up in cloud's grill

2009-06-12T10:58:00.000-04:00

From MSNBC:

Ex-president plans to celebrate 85th birthday by leaping out of plane

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine - Former President George H.W. Bush is poised to celebrate his 85th birthday by making a parachute jump in Maine, but the weather could dampen his plans.

Bush is scheduled to make a tandem jump Friday with a member of the Army's Golden Knights parachute team near his summer home in Kennebunkport. However, Friday's forecast shows a likelihood of rain in the area.

If the event is rained out, Bush's jump will be moved back to Saturday.

He's made several jumps with the Golden Knights to mark various occasions, including the 10th anniversary of his presidential library. I wonder how much it costs to have highly trained precision military teams and aircraft standing by?

I’m sure the folks who raised hell about the expense associated with the Obamas’ recent NYC date night are just as outraged by the taxpayer tab and military resource expenditure incurred in helping Bush the Elder demonstrate his octogenarian machismo. Not.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Knocked up

2009-06-09T08:09:00.002-04:00

Well, this is kind of embarrassing. It’s the oldest story in the book -- innocent young ingénue meets grizzled, sexy old beast. No one thinks the old boy has got it in him. (Hello? Charlie Chaplin? Tony Fucking Randall?) But 63 days later, boom -- a litter of puppies is born.

This is the drama that played out at the Cracker Compound recently. It all started about a year and a half ago. Our elderly boxer dog, who has been a wonderful pet for well over a decade, was clearly in decline. This made us all very sad. We (we being my 10-year-old daughter and myself) thought a new puppy would cheer everyone up.

We relentlessly lobbied Mr. Cracker on the issue for a few months, and eventually he caved and we got a female boxer pup to be our elderly dog’s companion and our auxiliary pet. It’ll be a new lease on life for the old boy, we figured -- a playmate to keep him young. And he’ll be a great role model for the pup, we thought. Ha!

I fully intended to get the new addition fixed, but I’ve heard it’s a good idea to let a female dog go through one cycle before doing so. (Vets seem to be divided on this issue, at least in this neck o’ the woods.) And in the 14 months or so before the younger dog reached maturity, the old dog showed no interest of that nature in her.

After all, the poor old thing is half blind and wholly deaf; he can barely stagger back and forth from his food bowl to his dog bed. He is intact (due to an over-developed sense of male solidarity on the part of Mr. C), but he (the old dog, not Mr. C) had grown so decrepit we thought sexy time was the last thing on his mind.

Boy, were we stooopit! We never saw a thing, but immediately after concluding her cycle, the young dog began to develop udders, and we knew we were in for it.

I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout whelping no puppies!

Fast forward to Sunday night. The soon-to-be-mama went into labor at 10 o’clock. I’d taken her to the vet a couple of weeks prior, so I had a general timeframe and lots of good advice. But damn. Naturally it occurred right after we’d concluded a family shindig which I’d stayed up to all hours preparing for the previous night…

Our old dog and Mr. Cracker promptly took a snooze, leaving it to me and the kiddo to act as midwives. Since I’ve given birth myself, perhaps you’d think nothing would surprise, shock or gross me out about the process. If so, you would be wrong. It was like goddamned Alien! Eraserhead, even! But we did a good job of it, if I say so myself. Even though I did throw up. Twice.

All’s well that ends well

So now we have a total of 11 boxers -- the parents plus 5 male and 4 female pups. Every single pup looks like the old man and not a thing like the mom.

I may set up a boxer cam once they get a little older. If so, I’ll let y’all know how to access it for those who are interested in such things.

Yeah, I know. There are so many unwanted dogs in the world. I do feel bad about bringing more into it, even though I’m certain I can find good homes for all. I’ve learned my lesson. Henceforth, all dogs in our house will be fixed, anthropomorphic identification on the part of certain other family members notwithstanding. But the puppies are awfully cute.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

St. Vitus' Dance

2009-06-02T11:13:00.000-04:00

Remember ghoulish freakazoid Gingi “Vitus” Edmonds? She’s a so-called Christian and pro-lifer who was last called out here for using the occasion of a tragic plane crash that killed several small children and their parents to slam their grieving grandparents.

Since Edmonds so crassly used that incident as a political football, doing a sack dance on the smoking wreckage of a plane in which an infant, two 3-year-olds, a 4-year-old, a 5-year-old, a 7-year-old and a 9-year-old child had died, I figured she’d be in full cheerleader mode at the news of the murder of Dr. George Tiller. She did not disappoint:

Murder is murder, and it is something that we pro-lifers inherently deplore. But I can't help but note - and my history is rusty so pardon me here - I'm trying to remember, did anyone mourn Lee Harvey Oswald when Jack Ruby gunned him down? Or better yet, did anyone mourn the deaths of Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer, or any other mass murderer for that matter?

Well, there was this one dude. What’s his name? He said:

Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite-fully use you, and persecute you.

Oh yeah, that would be Jesus, whom Edmonds claims to serve. I’m not a Christian, but apparently I’ve forgotten more scripture than Edmonds ever knew. Here are a few more tidbits from her hateful screed to illustrate how completely she embodies the exact opposite of the humility, forgiveness and love her personal lord and savior instructed her to project:

I mean, think about it. Someone just shot a Nazi guard manning the gas chamber at Aushwitz. I should feel bad about this? George Tiller the Baby Killer's acts are every bit as vile as the Nazi war criminals who were hunted down, tried, and sentenced after they participated in the "legal" murder of the Jews that fell into their hands.

Is the pro-life position one of violence? Of course not. It is because we are so peaceful that lone acts of extremism immediately garner national attention. In the course of a 36 year genocide, only five abortionists have been killed.

While it is imperative that we extend love and grace to the family of Tiller, we still cannot afford to lose sight of the fact that George Tiller was a mass murderer of the worst kind who made a living off of killing babies and harming women. Unless you are radically against capital punishment, those who view abortion as murder agree that the penalty for the crime of mass child slaughter is death. And although the method and means of his execution is deplorable, the ultimate outcome is not.

There is no doubt that Tiller deserved to be executed for his crimes. I just would have preferred a state sanctioned lethal injection, hanging, firing squad, electric chair, good old fashioned stoning, what have you.

Read the whole thing, if you’ve got the stomach for it. While Edmonds goes through the usual throat-clearing about “extending love and grace” and “deploring murder,” her point is to excuse the killing and to exhort fellow pro-life loonies to not allow its occurrence to give them pause about the violence they regularly advocate and the demonization in which they routinely engage. And she’s not just a fringe lunatic – a “mainstream” leader of the pro-life movement, Randall Terry, took a similar position.

Americans are deeply ambivalent about abortion. According to a recent poll, a slim majority (51%) identify themselves as “pro-life,” but 53% support its continued legality, at least under some circumstances.

Even with an ostentatiously pro-life president in George W. Bush and solid Congressional control with pro-lifers Tom Delay and Bill Frist leading the charge, the political arm of the pro-life movement has been unable to do much to curtail abortion rights. I think people like Gingi Edmonds and Randall Terry are as responsible for that as NARAL.

Edmonds and Terry are Westboro Baptist Church with a more stylish haircut and less polyester content in the suit. Every time they open their yaps, the pro-life cause and Team Jesus take it in the shorts. So if you support abortion rights, if you dream of a truly secular society, wish them well in their continued endeavors.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Is that a crucifix in your cassock or are you just happy to see me?

2009-05-28T17:16:00.002-04:00

Here’s a weird story: A self-styled “Roman Catholic priestess” with White House press credentials got booted from the press area near Air Force One as she was awaiting President Obama’s arrival:

A reporter for a small newspaper was forcibly removed from a press area near Air Force One shortly before President Barack Obama arrived at Los Angeles International Airport to depart California early Thursday.

Airport security officers carried the woman away by the feet and arms as she protested her removal.

Lee said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press that she wanted to hand Obama a letter urging him "to take a stand for traditional marriage."

She said she asked a Secret Service agent to give the president her letter, but he refused and referred her to a White House staffer. Lee said she refused to give the staffer the letter.

"I said, 'I'll take my chances if (the president) comes by here,'" said Lee, who identified herself as a Roman Catholic priestess who lives in Anaheim, Calif. "He became annoyed that I wouldn't give him the letter."

Lee, who was wearing what she described as a cassock, said she protested when she was asked to leave.

"I said, 'Why are you bothering me?' They escorted me outside the gate," she said.

She said security officers allowed her to return when she promised she would not yell or wave, but then other officers arrived and told her to leave.

"I said, 'I'm not leaving,'" she said. "They tried to drag me out."

Two officers then picked her up and carried her out. An Associated Press photographer photographed the incident.

"I was afraid you could see under my clothes," she said, her voice choking up.

Lee, who said this was the second presidential event she has covered, was later released.

Well, as a Roman Catholic, Ms. Lee apparently follows the church line on traditional marriage. But I wonder if she’s heard about its stance on female priests? Christ on a baggage cart, I know the standards for obtaining White House press credentials are pretty low, but come on...

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

They got nothing...

2009-05-27T09:10:00.000-04:00

White male victimhood mongers of all genders, colors and sizes are howling like a pack of crack-addled, hydroencephalic hyenas over this excerpt of a speech by Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor:

I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life.

Why that "spic chic" [sic] thinks her judicial acumen is superior to a white man's just because she grew up eating pig intestines over rice! But if you're capable of reading the entire speech (without moving your lips and squoonching up your face over the polysyllabic words while doing so), it quickly becomes apparent that Sotomayor was engaged in a thoughtful analysis of the role experience plays in the judicial rulings of every human being who is appointed to a judgeship. And it inconveniently becomes clear that Sotomayor subscribes to the ideal that judges should strive for impartial application of the law.

Others raise more genteel but equally bone-headed objections based on a deliberate misinterpretation of Sotomayor's words. Here's past and future GOP candidate Mitt Romney's take:

The nomination of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court is troubling. Her public statements make it clear she has an expansive view of the role of the judiciary. Historically, the Court is where judges interpret the Constitution and apply the law. It should never be the place "where policy is made," as Judge Sotomayor has said. Like any nominee, she deserves a fair and thorough hearing. What the American public deserves is a judge who will put the law above her own personal political philosophy.

But if you see the entire clip of the exchange from which the Sotomayor quote is extracted rather than the 25-second snippet that is no doubt looping endlessly on Fox News, it becomes clear that Sotomayor isn't advocating legislating from the bench but rather explaining the difference in how appellate courts operate and the experience to be gained by serving different courts.

Romney is a dishonest cretin to imply otherwise, and his statement is particularly hypocritical coming from a smarmy bastard who has spent his entire political career pirouetting from one absolutist stance to another in a self-serving attempt to dance to the prevailing political tune.

If the early attacks on Sotomayor are any indication, once again, the GOP has nothing.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast. H/T to Whiskey Fire.]

Asylum for the Cheneys

2009-05-22T10:34:00.000-04:00

Is there a banana republic somewhere that can be offered a bribe sufficient to take the Cheneys off our hands? Not just Dick, but the whole lying, dissembling, weasel-faced, treasonous bunch -- Lynne, Liz and Mary too as a package deal? I’d gladly kick in additional tax dollars to bankroll a pseudo-ranch house, complete with Western figurines, plaster cattle skulls and boldly striped polyester serapes draped artfully over low-slung Naugahyde sofas.

We should make Dick an offer he can’t refuse – a Ponderosa-themed compound (location to be determined) or a one-way ticket to The Hague. Go quietly, or you are going down, Beelzebubba.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more disgraceful, scare-mongering, lie-studded performance by a political figure in my entire life. And I am old enough to remember being pissed off when the Watergate hearings pre-empted Scooby Doo.

Preventive Detention

If Bob Somerby were an actual progressive media watchdog instead of the web’s leading purveyor of sour grapes (outside the pumatic fringe, of course), he’d have to grudgingly admit that Rhodes scholar Rachel Maddow asked an important question last night: To wit, what the figgety fuck is up with this “prolonged detention” business?

Maddow and assorted civil libertarians are saying that Obama’s vaguely outlined plan to detain al Qaeda suspects who cannot be tried for various reasons is as bad or worse than the Bush-Cheney gulag system. They’ve got a point.

On the other hand, what can you do with known baddies the Bush-Cheney Keystone Kops waterboarded past all hope of legal prosecution but who are nonetheless more dangerous than a pack of rabid porcupines with anthrax-atomizing projectile quills of death? I’m not going to pretend that’s an easy question. Here’s my answer: Fuck if I know.

But there's got to be an answer that respects civil liberties and public safety, one that doesn't immediately assume that values and ideals are expendable in dangerous times and that only Big Daddy Dick can keep us safe. I think Obama is trying to find that answer. But the details are important. Maybe that's why truly progressive congresscritters rejected the initial Gitmo closure funding proposal. It may have actually been the responsible thing to do.

Cox Gets Results!

Or at least, she makes Robert Gibbs squirm on the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell issue. Despite being derided as a Beavis and Butthead-like, pee-pee-double-entendre-name-having joke by media critics who don’t actually get results despite self-aggrandizing claims to the contrary, Ana Marie Cox brings up an important issue. And in the White House briefing room, not from beneath a Slanket in front of a Commodore 64.

I leave it to you fair people to judge whose work is more important.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Jesus, General Patton and Miss California USA

2009-05-12T16:10:00.001-04:00

So this Carrie keeps her title despite getting caught displaying her dirtypillows for all the world to see. Since I believe beauty pageants are as much about wholesomeness and talent as Playboy is about informative articles, I normally wouldn’t give a shit.

But pageant owner Donald Trump and Miss California USA Carrie Prejean are trying to spin this as a triumph of the odd tag-team of Jesus and General Patton over the sinister forces of The Gay PC Police. And that meme needs to have a sash wrapped around its neck and tiara shoved up its ass right now.

Prejean: ““I would just like to thank Mr. Trump for believing in me and allowing me to continue as Miss California USA,” she said. “Most importantly I would like to thank God for testing me with this large task and giving me the strength to stand by my beliefs. I answered my question honestly from my heart…

I am proud to that I’m an American. My grandfather served under General Patton during World War II and that’s something I appreciate greatly,” she said. “He taught me to never back down and to never let anyone take those freedoms away from you. This should not happen in America. It undermines the constitutional rights for which my grandfather fought for.”

God didn’t test you, you silly twit. Your “opposite marriage” advocacy didn’t land you in hot water -- lying on your pageant application about posing semi-nude in the past did. (Never mind the absurdity of a fucking beauty pageant barring contestants for past participation in slightly harder core wank photo ops.)

Ms. Prejean, no one is trying to take away your God-given American right to be a vacuous cretin. And Trump doesn’t “believe” in you -- he sees you as a commodity he can buy and sell like a high-interest junk bond.

Oh sure, he may look like a fool, appearing in public for years as he has with a glob of shower-drain trappings glued to his head. But Trump knows an opportunity when he sees one, and he hasn’t bounced a Czech since Ivana. He is at his oily best when increasing his assets:

Trump said the controversy over Prejean’s comments proved that the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants, both of which he owns, are relevant to today’s society and have eclipsed Miss America as the premier beauty pageant.

For all I know, Trump is right and those pageants have eclipsed Miss America as the “premier beauty pageant.” It’s a dubious distinction in any case -- on par with winning Miss Landfill.

But on what planet does that matter? One on which Donald Trump assumes the status of supreme arbiter of moral turpitude, I suppose. Meanwhile, on this planet, other grandchildren of WWII veterans -- like my gay sister -- actually do suffer discrimination. The end.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Stay classy, Rudy

2009-05-04T11:03:00.001-04:00

What a dick:

Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani was a last-minute no-show at the wedding of his former roommates -- a gay couple -- yesterday.

It was a disappointment for Queens car dealer Howard Koeppel and his longtime lover, Mark Hsiao, who tied the knot in a double-ring ceremony before 10 guests in Westport, Conn.

The couple famously let the ex-mayor crash at their luxury $2.37 million three-bedroom Manhattan apartment while he was going through a nasty divorce with Donna Hanover in 2001. Later, Giuliani married the "other woman," Judith Nathan.

"Rudy and Judith were both invited with a beautiful written invitation by mail," said Koeppel. "His secretary called Thursday and said he was not able to come to the wedding and wished us all the best."

He didn’t even have the balls to call his friends personally to decline. No problem. I’m sure Giuliani’s new wingnut fundamentalist BFFs will put him up in grand style when the third Mrs. Giuliani throws his ass out. Not.

[H/T: Sullivan. Cross-posted at Rumproast.]

101 Douchebags

2009-04-09T14:56:00.002-04:00

If you don’t know about the Massengill Movement, read this post first. Then come back and consider another potential recipient: annoying former Bush administration apparatchik and McCain campaign operative Nicolle Wallace. Remember her? She’s still around, and she’s still annoying. She published a column in The Daily Beast yesterday entitled, “Why is Obama Apologizing for America?”

As soon as I read the title, the answer to that question leapt to my mind unbidden: “Because self-important twits like you enabled feckless assholes like George W. Bush to stomp around the world killing innocent people in a senseless, unnecessary war, running secret prison camps and abrogating international treaties for eight fucking years in our name, that’s why.”

My second thought was that Wallace would invoke American exceptionalism in the article just like every other wingnut asshole does. She did not disappoint. But she did surprise me on one score; she recounted an incident in which a German tourist punched her (Wallace's) dog in Central Park as evidence that Americans need not apologize to animal-slapping Huns. No, really:

I guess I had it coming to me. I mean, I did insult Old Europe this week when I said on MSNBC’s Morning Joe that President Obama’s suggestion that we should celebrate Europe’s union was “ridiculous.”

[snip]

So when a German tourist wound up his arm and slugged my 35-pound dog on Wednesday morning in Central Park for greeting him with too much exuberance, I should have been prepared. When I turned to him and said, “We don’t hit animals in this country,” he sneered at me and said, “I am German. I am lawyer.”

I called the cops and, God bless them, they were on the scene in less than five minutes. “Were they tourists?” the cops asked me when I explained what happened.

“Yes, Germans,” I said.

“Mmmhmm,” the cop said.

“Mmmhmm, what?” I asked.

“It happens a lot,” the cop said.

So, nasty European tourists have been known to hit dogs in Central Park. Who knew? It got me thinking. Of course, not all European tourists are dog beaters—most of them are pleasant, and I imagine more than a few of them love dogs. But they are not better than us, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell our president is over there apologizing for.

Oh for the sweet love of fuck! Germans are not only nuts about dogs, they train them not to jump on unsuspecting strangers in public spaces. I’ve never seen so many well-behaved beasties in my life before or since.

But if we’re going to use incidents like this to illustrate national character, Wallace’s inexcusable failure to restrain her dog is an apt metaphor for our failure as a nation to muzzle the neocon exuberance of our former president and his cronies.

Wallace should never have let her dog climb all over a stranger. And we Americans should not have countenanced the criminal acts committed in our names. I’m sorry the tourist slugged Wallace’s dog, but Wallace has only herself to blame. However, she does not see that.

She also fails to see why we Americans aren’t universally revered and idolized the world over. And she should see it. After all, she held key posts in the administration that did more to sully our reputation than any other president -- ever. But she’s in denial:

In our minds and hearts, most Republicans go straight to Reagan’s description of the shining city on the hill when we hear the term “American exceptionalism.” We see America as the solution to the world’s most intractable challenges. While we understand that we are not perfect, we see America as the nation that gives the most, works the hardest, and fights the fights that need to be fought to protect free people everywhere.

By contrast, the Obama camp made clear, during last year’s presidential campaign, that in its view, the city is shining no more. “It’s going to take a generation or so,” Samantha Power, then a senior foreign-policy adviser to Obama, told Newsweek senior editor Michael Hirsh in an article for the Washington Monthly, “to reclaim American exceptionalism.” Americans, Power said, were “neither the shining example, nor even competent meddlers” in the world’s problems.

You know what, Nicolle? Ms. Power is absolutely correct. And you are living in Lalaland, as unable to take responsibility for your party’s part in this country’s decline as you are oblivious of your obligations as a pet owner. Your dog isn’t the only critter in need of a little training.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Give her the power

2009-04-08T10:46:00.002-04:00

I think it's too soon to know whether or not the bail-out of the financial industry is working. But one thing's for sure -- the lack of oversight breeds a lack of confidence, and there is an appearance (at least) of foxes guarding the hen house.

Elizabeth Warren, the Harvard prof who chairs the Congressional Oversight panel for TARP, has been shouting from the rooftops about the dangerous lack of oversight -- on Rachel Maddow's show and elsewhere. Now she's about to issue a report in which she calls for the firing of the AIG and Citi CEOs.

That might get some attention. Obama says he's open to all ideas that might work, even Paul Krugman's. Well, here's one: Give Warren the executive authority to demand the answers she seeks. Now would be good.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

"Miss Giant Flaming Asshole" if you're nasty...

2009-04-01T11:10:00.002-04:00

It would suck to have a last name like “Giant Flaming Asshole,” wouldn’t it? This poor woman knows the burden of carrying such a moniker: Her cousin is Rush Limbaugh, and they share a last name that he has made synonymous with “bombastic racist douche-nozzle.” That’s gotta hurt.

She says he’s not such a bad guy, though, despite his politics. She gets occasional, all-expenses-paid luxury vacations courtesy of “Cousin Rusty.” She says he’s a fun guy at holiday parties and a patient, considerate relative when it comes to visiting children -- even those threatening to destroy expensive furniture.

The people in the Salon comments section are hammering Ms. Limbaugh pretty hard, accusing her of being an apologist for her asshole cousin or seeking to capitalize on his fame.

Meh. I take her at her word that she doesn’t share his views, and I think it’s natural enough to make excuses for jackass family members. Ms. Limbaugh puts it well:

“I'm sure you have a grandpa or uncle out there who complains about the "queers" and the people who speak "Mexican" ruining his neighborhood. I don't like that, but I bet you're OK.”

Well, she’s got me there. I have many relatives who express troglodyte views that make Rush Limbaugh sound like Al Franken in comparison. Luckily, they don’t spew their hateful nonsense for millions of listeners or wield enough power to make elected officials in a major political party grovel before them like servile toadies.

The world would be a scarier place if they did. And millions might come to curse the name of Cracker. Oh wait…

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

OozeBeckistan

2009-03-17T10:38:00.001-04:00

Of all the frothy wingnuts on all the TVs on the planet, if anyone had asked me which would swan-dive off the deep end if a black dude with the middle name “Hussein” ever became president, my money would have been on Glenn Beck. Sure, there are lots of zany wingnut media figures out there, but Beck has always had this special, unhinged quality about him as well as the pin-wheeling, beady eyes of the true believer.

Looks like my bet is paying off. There’s growing evidence that Beck is nuttier than a squirrel turd and getting nuttier by the day. He started off long ago by converting to the Mormon Church as an adult. Sorry, but that’s fucking crazy. Then, he made this whiny-ass, stream of suicidal consciousness video in response to the agony of having a fucking hemorrhoid removed from his ass.

(An aside: What is it with these wingnut pantywaists who talk tough and then display the spine of a spongy orange Circus Peanut the minute the going gets rough? They’re all like, “Yeehaw, let’s go kill the mooslims!” to others and then conveniently forget to join the military themselves. They’re all “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!” and “No pain, no gain!” until they themselves face any hurt or inconvenience, and then they turn into puling toddlers. Give birth to a child and then come talk to me about pain, Hemorrhoid Boy...)

Anyway, now that he’s ensconced over at Fox News, Beck has a new project that has the loony leaking out of every orifice – the 9/12 Project:

I love the PATRIOT ACT-like contrivance of the “9 Principles” and “12 Virtues,” which just so happen to combine to evoke the date Beck tearfully wants us to relive on an endless Groundhog Day loop: 9/12/01. Wanting to stay in a state of fear, shock and grief forever and ever is itself a big old hunk of burning crazy, though not a significant departure from post-9/11 GOP strategy. But let’s examine the “9 Principles,” shall we?

9 Principles
1. America Is Good.
2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.
3. ….

Oh fuck it, that’s as far as I can go with this shit. Beck clearly has no idea what democracy means or what the value of the First Amendment is. He’s proposing a rebirth of the John Birch Society, and this is hardly a surprise considering the current world-historical economic and social turmoil, which always sends the fringe-types howling out of their bunkers, clutching their skulls against imaginary thought-rays. Only this time, we have a network that caters to this particularly brand of crazy. Stay tuned.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Jaws

2009-03-12T08:19:00.000-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Flambéed? Fricasseed? Sautéed? As she finished her traditional dinner of Virginia Slims and chardonnay with a bile chaser, Ann Coulter contemplated how she’d prepare this tasty young McCain dumpling prior to consuming it whole. Coulter will likely have to unhinge her jaw as a python might to accommodate a tapir. At any rate, this should be interesting, so bust out the popcorn, folks…

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Asshole Universe

2009-03-11T14:35:00.000-04:00

There are gigantic assholes among us -- individuals who are so horrid or crass that their assholery threatens to explode into a supernovasshole, emitting a burst of fucktardation that produces more wattage than the entire galaxy and radiates as much cretinism in a short interval than a normal group of people might in their entire lifetimes. Call this Group A, for “asshole.”

A corollary phenomenon occurs when individuals are so staggeringly lacking in self awareness that, although they may not consciously intend harm, their clueless, inept bumbling path through life leaves asshole shockwaves in their wake, enveloping innocent bystanders in an expanding shell of confusion and anger called a supernovasshole remnant. Call this Group B, for ‘brain dead.”

Group A

I was unfortunate enough to encounter representatives from both groups this week. A sad event occasioned my encounter with Group A: We lost a relative recently, a wonderful, brave person who was somewhat famous in her field. Because she was well-known, I suppose, her online obituary attracted the attention of a smattering of malevolent, brainless jackals with nothing better to do than use a stranger’s online death notice as a venue to display their bile and insanity.

In my heathen cosmology, the micro-dick fucktards who get off on that sort of vandalism may very well go unpunished, which is a downside to eschewing the whole “sinners in the hands of an angry god” thing. (The only part of religiosity I ever had any use for, truth be told.) But if I’m wrong and justice awaits these assholes, let them be dragged through broken glass, dipped into a sulfuric acid bath, stomped flat by a herd of rabid rhinos, rolled into a sphere, stuffed into a pestilent cannon and fired into the toxic waste dump of a leper colony. Call it karma.

Group B

Unbeknownst to me, I plopped down next to a representative from Group B while attending my 10-year-old daughter’s softball game last night. The B manifestation was in the form of another softball mom, and I innocently asked her how she was.

Terrible, she said, and launched into a detailed description of this hideous, highly contagious flu-like disease that has kept her alternately freezing and sweating, puking and suffering bouts of explosive diarrhea for the past two days. How awful, I replied, inching away down the bleacher. I’ve heard something is going around…

It is! she replied, and went on to describe how she’d been stricken within mere hours of encountering an ill co-worker and how she just couldn’t wait for the damn game to be over so she could go home and puke and shit and shiver not-sleep some more!

I excused myself and spent the rest of the game standing 50 feet away from the barely sentient phlegm fountain. Seething! The stupid fucking un-self-aware fuck! What the fuck was she thinking? It’s a goddamn little league softball game -- it’s not worth exposing countless people to your crappy fucking flu to attend!

Or in the unlikely event that the fate of the universe is bound up in a 5th grader’s participation in the game, well, couldn’t the woman keep her diseased fucking carcass in her car or at least at a respectable distance? Did the clueless fucking dolt have to sit her fucking germs down next to the rest of us?

Maybe I’m just imagining it, but I do feel a little woozy today. And by god, if I get sick, I’ll stay home until I recover fully. But when I do regain my health, I will march down to the softball field and give that idiot woman five in the snot locker. Call it flu rage.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Limbaugh: Captain Wilderness

2009-03-03T10:15:00.001-05:00

As we saw yesterday, RNC Chairman Michael Steele quailed before the Great and Powerful Gasbag, meekly offering a Maoist recantation before being shipped off to the reeducation camp. The pundits are discussing Rush’s grip on the GOP’s nads as if it were a new development -- as if Limbaugh filled a power vacuum created by McCain’s defeat at the polls this November.

It goes back a lot further than that. Limbaugh is the bully who shoved McCain rightward in this election cycle, thus destroying McCain’s only advantage: his so-called maverick cred. Every boneheaded choice McCain made after that -- alienating the once-love struck media, picking empty-headed troglodyte pin-up girl Palin to round out the ticket, etc. -- all of it was a direct consequence of McCain's ill-advised decision to suck up to the Limbaughs of his party. And it cost him the election.

Once upon a time (2002, to be exact), McCain had the balls to call Limbaugh out:

After comparing Mr. Limbaugh to a "circus clown," the Arizona Republican apologized. "I regret that statement," he told an interviewer on Fox News the other night, "because my office has been flooded with angry phone calls from circus clowns all over America. They resent that comparison, and so I would like to extend my apologies to Bozo, Chuckles and Krusty."

Limbaugh declared war on McCain for this apostasy, relentlessly denigrating McCain’s conservative cred even after McCain secured the GOP nomination in 2008. And as he demonstrated after his short-lived courage in confronting the "agents of intolerance" of the religious right, McCain has always been about political expediency over principles, despite his undeserved reputation to the contrary. He quickly caved to the wingnuts.

The irony is, the McCain of 2000 might have been able to differentiate himself from Bush and have a shot in 2008. But Limbaugh made sure he went the other direction. As his bombastic rhetoric makes clear, Limbaugh believes McCain lost because he wasn’t rightwing enough. That view seems to have been internalized by the entire party, and it’s the exact opposite of reality.

Limbaugh probably does not have the pull he thinks he does in terms of actual numbers of listeners and ability to make them do his bidding. Operation Chaos was a flop in the final analysis. But the GOP leadership evidently believes Limbaugh wields great power, and that perception is just as good as reality at the moment. Until the GOP leadership is willing to stand up to Limbaugh, he’ll continue to lead them further into the wilderness. Long live Captain Wilderness!

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Ass Wednesday

2009-02-25T08:40:00.000-05:00

This title is not intended to mock the concept of Ash Wednesday, which is sacred to some folks. Rather it’s to commemorate my first Ash Wednesday, on which I made a complete ass of myself.

Being raised in rednecky Southern Baptist country left me ill-prepared for life in a city with a large number of Catholics, but that’s what I encountered when I lived in Boston for a few years. When I arrived, I don’t think I had ever heard of Ash Wednesday and was certainly unaware of its traditions.

On my first Ash Wednesday in Boston, I was riding the subway (or “T” as they call it) to work in the morning when I noticed the woman across from me had a big smudge on her forehead. Being the helpful sort, I caught her eye, pointed to my own unsmudged head and mimed wiping away the dirt. She gave me a puzzled look, so I repeated the pantomime. She went back to reading her paper -- dismissing me as a lunatic, no doubt.

When I arrived at my stop and exited the train, I started noticing that many other people had smudged foreheads. I joined a veritable smudged-headed horde streaming through downtown Boston and was completely mystified by it until I met a smudged friend on the sidewalk in front of our workplace and asked her what in the hell was going on.

She laughed incredulously and said, “It’s Ash Wednesday, you dumb cracker!”

Years later, I married into a Catholic family and became somewhat familiar with their rituals, including Ash Wednesday, giving things up for Lent and the varying degrees of sincerity the sacrifice can signify. I’m not Catholic, but if I were, I’m afraid I might be tempted to temper my repentance by giving up something really lame like “imported wine” while continuing to swill down California products. I don’t do willing sacrifice well.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast. H/T to J-TWO-O]

Asshole of the Year Award

2009-02-23T07:25:00.001-05:00

I know it's only February, but we have an early favorite:

ELIZABETHTOWN, Ky. -- U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning predicted over the weekend that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would likely be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months.

During a wide-ranging 30-minute speech on Saturday at the Hardin County Republican Party's Lincoln Day Dinner, Bunning said he supports conservative judges "and that's going to be in place very shortly because Ruth Bader Ginsburg … has cancer."

"Bad cancer. The kind that you don't get better from," he told a crowd of about 100 at the old State Theater.

"Even though she was operated on, usually, nine months is the longest that anybody would live after (being diagnosed) with pancreatic cancer," he said.

[snip]

Bunning also reiterated that he would run for re-election in 2010. But he said he doesn't have the ability to raise money like U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who spent more than $20 million in last year's election.

Bunning, who only has about $150,000 in his campaign account, has been criticized because of his inability to raise money.

"I'm not only asking for your support, but if you have a $25 check somewhere, or whatever, you can send it, I'll cash it," he told the group.

Note to self: Send at least $25 to whomever is running against this prick.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Strategic communications

2009-02-20T08:03:00.002-05:00

Unintentional hilarity from the Burris bunker:

Spokesman for embattled Sen. Burris resigns
(CNN) -- A spokesman for Illinois Sen. Roland Burris resigned Thursday in the wake of new disclosures about requests that Burris raise money for disgraced former Gov. Rod Blagojevich while seeking a U.S. Senate appointment.

"I initially began helping the senator on a temporary basis because he is a long-term friend who I served several years when he was [Illinois] attorney general," Jason Erkes said in a written statement to CNN.
"It is now time for me to get back to focusing on ... my newly formed strategic communications business."

Whatever you think of the Burris fiasco, I believe we can all agree that the communications were handled somewhat less than strategically...

Oh stewardess, I speak drunk!

2009-02-17T09:52:00.001-05:00

So the Japanese finance minister who allegedly showed up to a press conference hammered outta his skull has resigned:

Japan's finance minister abruptly resigned Tuesday over allegations he made a drunken appearance at a G-7 news conference, shaking Prime Minister Taro Aso's already deeply unpopular government.

The resignation was a huge embarrassment for Aso — who has been in office only since late September — and a blow to Japan's efforts to deal with an economy that shrank at its fastest rate in 35 years in the fourth quarter and shows no signs of reversing course anytime soon.

Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa, who has denied being drunk, offered his resignation late Tuesday after earlier in the day saying he would stay on until after parliament approves the budget for the fiscal year, probably in late April.

The dude does appear to be snot-slinging drunk. What does he know about the state of the world economy that we're about to find out?

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Why is The New Agenda smearing NOW's Kim Gandy?

2009-02-11T11:18:00.001-05:00

The New Agenda, a so-called “non-partisan group for women’s rights,” appears to be behind an Astroturf smear campaign aimed at National Organization for Women president Kim Gandy. Gandy is in the running to head up the Women’s Bureau of the Department of Labor.

What’s The New Agenda’s problem with Gandy? Well, I did some investigating, and although I got many answers, I still don't know. The excuses The New Agenda offers are either outright falsehoods or weak dissembling. This long-ass post summarizes what I was able to find out.

PUMA-Lite: All the bile and only half the crazy!

For those who aren’t familiar with it, The New Agenda was started by Amy Siskind and other disgruntled Hillary supporters last year. Although she was definitely in the “Hillary or Fuck America in the Ass – Hard!!” coalition, Siskind bristles at the suggestion that she is a PUMA or that The New Agenda is animated by PUMA issues.

That’s smart, actually, since Siskind has achieved some level of media credibility as a generic “feminist,” appearing occasionally on CNN and other media outlets. Association with a group as floridly crazy as PUMA would undermine the credibility she hopes to build.

But as you can see from the original press release announcing The New Agenda’s founding (curiously gone from the site now), they weren’t always so coy about the “P” word:

Many of the women who attended The New Agenda's first meeting got to know each other as a result working with pro-Hillary groups. Attendees included founding members of such groups as Together4US, Party Unity My Ass (PUMA), IOwnMyVote, Just Say No Deal and Vote Democracy ’08.

"This group is comprised of women who are "gravely concerned about the mistreatment of Hillary Clinton during the primary season, and the passion and emotion that resulted from Hillary’s mistreatment brought us together.," says Siskind.

They'll admit that they have PUMA members (always hastening to add that there are also Republicans, Greens, etc., on board), but if you bring up PUMA at The New Agenda, you'll see how touchy they are about it, and it appears they have taken pains to scrub the PUMA cooties off their website, including their inaugural press release. Hmmm.

Anyway, so that’s The New Agenda’s background. I read some PUMA blogs occasionally as a kind of sick hobby, and I noticed over the weekend that all these screeds against Kim Gandy popped up.

I don’t know doodly-squat about Gandy, so I figured she must’ve done something to run afoul of the PUMAs. But then it became clear that Siskind -- the alleged non-PUMA -- was behind the anti-Gandy campaign. According to this site, Siskind sent the following email on the down-low to select “feminist bloggers” in order to sandbag Gandy:

From: Amy Siskind
Subject: CONFIDENTIAL - Kim Gandy seeks powerful position in DC in Obama Admin
Fellow Feminist Bloggers:
We learned yesterday that Kim Gandy has made public her intention to ask for one of the most powerful positions in federal gov't for women - Director of the Women's Bureau in the Department of Labor.
TNA has watched Gandy shift positions again and again to stand up for Obama and sell out women - for example, on Larry Summers:
Nov 5, 2008:
>NOW President Questions Larry Summers as Treasury Secretary
> Nov 24, 2008:
> http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/11/24/america/24rubin.php?page=2 Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women, said her group's research actually produced material that recommended him. "One good thing about Larry Summers," she said, "is that he has written and spoken fairly extensively on the issue of women's wage inequality and the impact that has on the country."
Our view is that she has sold out the women of this country for some back room deal - well now we know what the back room deal is!!!
We are asking all feminist bloggers to post a story on their blogs on Sunday, February 8th at NOON EST in protest of Kim Gandy. Feel free to use whatever rationale you see fit - I know that we each have our own gripes.
But letting this woman be in a position of power, as reward for selling out her constituents (women) would be a crime.
Please forward this to all the feminist bloggers you know that are like-minded - with one caveat: WHEN YOU FORWARD IT - IT DID NOT COME FROM ME OR TNA - AND TAKE OUT THE FIRST FEW PARAGRAPHS HERE AND JUST PUT IN INTO YOUR OWN WORDS!!!
Remember, post your story on Sunday, Feb 8th at Noon.

And gosh, look at the rogue’s gallery of PUMAs who responded right on cue. The case against Gandy in that email is pretty weak and unsubstantiated, and of course, the PUMAs as usual failed to add anything of substance. So I wondered, what’s so terrible about Gandy that Siskind considers her worthy of a highly personal coordinated attack?

The only specific item in Siskind’s email -- the Summers thing -- seems kind of trumped up. 20 seconds of online research reveals that indeed Gandy hardly gave Summers a ringing endorsement -- she cited one positive trait in a sea of criticism here, which Siskind artfully cut and pasted into her Astroturf email.

Lord knows Siskind and company gave people like Sarah Palin a pass for far more horrifying offenses, so what the hell was up with Gandy, I wondered? Had she done the unthinkable and -- gasp! -- endorsed Obama over Clinton in the primaries as some of the PUMA knuckleheads reported this weekend? Nope, actually, she endorsed Clinton -- there's a YouTube video and everything.

Okay then, maybe she’s just not qualified for the post? Well, no. Even bovine-pattern clothing enthusiast Heidi Li Feldman, JD, PhD (henceforth to be known as “Cow Patty”) admitted in her hit piece that Gandy is a knowledgeable and tireless champion of women’s issues:

“Kim Gandy has clearly spent the better part of her life working on issues important to women; she's probably quite knowledgeable about working conditions for women and in a position to hire high quality staff.”

So why do The New Agenda people and Cow Patty despise Gandy so much? Cow Patty claims it’s because Gandy sold women down the river like so much chattel (more on Cow Patty in a moment). But none of Siskind’s ostensible reasons hold water upon further examination.

I figured I’d go straight to the horse’s mouth and ask Siskind at her site. I wasn’t the only one. And when asked, Siskind dissembled and made easily disprovable statements about Gandy being silent about the sexism directed toward Clinton (she wasn’t) and failing to defend Palin against the misogyny directed at her (also demonstrably false).

When confronted with copious evidence that her statements about Gandy were flat-out false on Monday, Siskind promised a more complete accounting of the case against Gandy Tuesday. She said she knew Gandy actually opposed Clinton during the primary (despite video evidence to the contrary) and would include an account of that in her clarification. This is what she delivered -- a completely fact-free and pathetic “parable.”

And to stave off dissent, she’s censoring or deleting comments from polite though persistent questioners like this woman and me, and she scrubbed her own comment promising a more substantive critique. In other words, Siskind has got nothing, and she doesn’t want anyone pointing it out.

Cow Patty’s POUTpourri

As for Cow Patty, when we last left her, she was attempting to shake down the morons at The Confluence by leveraging her tenuous connection to the ailing Justice Ginsburg:

Heidi Li, on February 5th, 2009 at 9:44 pm Said:

I know Ruth Bader Ginsburg slightly, and her husband, Marty Ginsburg, who is my colleague on the Georgetown faculty rather better. They are wonderful people, and of course my heart and thoughts are with them. A humble suggestion: If you care to send 51 Percent any amount (including .51 cents, with a message of support for Justice Ginsburg, not only will that be noted on the website, but I will make sure that all results and messages reach Justice Ginsburg).

So how does this paragon of integrity and good taste assess the Gandy situation? Here’s an excerpt from the essay she obediently produced in response to Siskind’s request:

I think she used that power to have N.O.W. sell women down the river when N.O.W. broke with its usual practice and made a general election presidential endorsement, picking Barack Obama, somebody who used and tolerated sexism and misogyny to gain the Democratic Party's nomination. I use the expression "sold women down the river" with all its metaphorical baggage: the image of humans being treated like chattel sold down to the Delta to be auctioned off. I think N.O.W. had very little evidence of Barack Obama's commitment to women's empowerment, little evidence of even his commitment to women's reproductive rights (the usual excuse used by mainstream women's groups to go out of their way to support his candidacy). And still, under the leadership of Gandy, N.O.W. went out of its way to auction off women's votes, encouraging them to turn out and make sure this man, who never once denounced the nutcrackers and the media comments and the misogynistic rappers singing him into office, became President of the United States of America.

Oh sweet weeping Jesus, is she fucking serious? Did Hillary denounce the racist goons who depicted Obama on a fake welfare dollar eating fried chicken and watermelon? Did she apologize for the musical abomination that was Hillary in the House -- a far worse auditory offense than ten thousand misogynistic rappers? Did she call out the Fox News asshole who termed Barack and Michelle’s fist bump a “terrorist fist jab?” No she didn’t, and no sane person expected her to be responsible for every loon who took up her cause. And it’s a good thing too, or God knows the PUMAs would’ve driven poor Hillary to die of shame.

The bottom line

I don’t know Kim Gandy from Adam’s house cat. Maybe Gandy isn’t the right person for the job. But nothing The New Agenda or Heidi Li Feldman said makes that case. They seem intent on smearing a true advocate for women’s issues on the basis of -- what? Some bullshit sense that she didn’t support Hillary enthusiastically enough? Or perhaps due to some petty jealousy because Gandy is an actual high profile advocate for women’s rights while these goofballs are still somewhat fringy wannabes? I don’t know, and they aren’t giving straight answers.

It’s one thing for the brain-dead nitwits at PUMA PAC or The Confluence to issue hysterical screeds smearing people they know nothing about. They’re just internet crazies, and nobody gives a shit what they say except for the entertainment value it contains.

But Feldman and Siskind purport to speak for women in general, Feldman from her perch on the Georgetown Law School faculty and her crappy 51% organization and Siskind via The New Agenda and from her status as a go-to “feminist” for our stupid media. Therefore, the standard of proof is higher. I say they either produce evidence of the offenses they've accused Gandy of or retract the scurrilous attacks which they’ve thus far failed to substantiate.

UPDATE 7/20/09: I'm getting a lot of traffic on this old post. If anyone can tell me where it's coming from in comments, I would be most grateful. Thanks!

Obama administration meltdown!

2009-02-05T08:14:00.000-05:00

I don't think I've seen so much consternation and hand-wringing in the mainstream media and on lefty blogs since the Ohio primary. There seems to be a whiff of Chicken Littlism in the air. The wingnut Greek chorus, which spent the last eight years issuing apologia for George W. Bush's spectacularly failed presidency, has already declared the 16-day-old Obama administration a disaster. I give their powers of prognostication the exact amount of credit they deserve.

Here's what I think: In a way, I wish Obama would stomp those right-wing fucktards who are attempting to obstruct any progress on the stimulus bill. I wish he would point out that they had no problem shoveling billions of dollars to Halliburton and Blackwater in support of Bush Jr.'s misadventures. I wish he would use his political capital to steamroll the bastards, exposing them for the greedy, corrupt, hypocritical shitheads they are. It would damn sure make me feel better.

But is it the best long-term strategy? Nope. Angry rants -- no matter how righteous -- rarely are. While many of his supporters fret that he isn't forcefully addressing his right-wing critics, Obama is allowing those self-same critics to paint themselves as fierce, unyielding opponents of the stimulus package on principles scrounged from the likes of Joe the Retarded Plumber. I think Obama is giving them the rope, and they are tying the noose, flinging it over a rafter, standing up on a rickety chair and placing their heads inside it. Obama won't even have to kick the chair over; they'll do it themselves.

The notion that Obama is an idealistic, naïve dude who is being played by a ruthless right-wing is what strikes me as hopelessly naïve. Let's remember who buried the goddamn Clinton machine, shall we? "Obambi," that's who.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

No, you stupid fucks

2009-02-02T19:17:00.003-05:00

Your stupid media breathlessly asks, "Did POTUS diss Jessica Simpson?"

Jesus H. Christ on a StairMaster -- NO. He read the headline Lauer was holding up to his face:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I can't believe the PUMAtards aren't all over this.

[H/T Instaputz]

Blago, we hardly knew ye

2009-01-29T13:06:00.001-05:00

Shorter Blago: You can't impeach me for loving old people and babies too much! Damn, I'm gonna miss that guy.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Unexpected headline file

2009-01-27T12:48:00.002-05:00

Blowfish testicles poison 7 diners in Japan
Unlicensed chef prepared delicacy eaten by thrill-seeking gourmets
TOKYO - Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef sickened seven diners in northern Japan and three remained hospitalized Tuesday after eating the poisonous delicacy.
The owner of the restaurant in Tsuruoka city, who is also the chef, had no license to serve blowfish and was being questioned on suspicion of professional negligence, police official Yoshihito Iwase said.
Blowfish, while extremely poisonous if not prepared properly, is considered a delicacy in Japan and is consumed by thrill-seeking gourmets.

See, and here I was feeling like a moron because I had this Jamaican curry take-out for lunch, knowing full well the effect it will have on me. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I'm hoping the Air Force base 30 miles or so from where I'm sitting doesn't lose control of a heat-seeking missile. Because it would surely find my ass. Anyway, thanks blowfish-ball-eating boneheads, for raising my self esteem!

The "combo quote" and its uses

2009-01-25T12:30:00.001-05:00

As you may have heard, President Obama invoked the name of impotent, drug-addled radio yapper Rush Limbaugh during a conversation with GOP politicians last week, warning that it would be unwise to allow the sort of brainless partisanship Limbaugh epitomizes to scuttle action urgently needed to address the economic crisis.

Unsurprisingly, racist toad Limbaugh took the president’s mention of his name as a symbol of all that is counterproductive and dysfunctional in American politics as a sign that he, Limbaugh, is the true leader of American conservatism. (And who knows, maybe he’s right about that.)

But in making that case on The World’s Shittiest Website™, Limbaugh used an interesting tactic to bolster his argument: a thing he called a “combo quote.” Ever heard of it? I don't think I had, or if I did, I assumed it meant a quote for multiple services or products, like say insurance for your house, car and boat. Or pricing on a Rush Limbaugh Combo: a plate of Viagra accompanied by side orders of Dominican sex slaves and cigars.

However, as it turns out, a “combo quote” is none of those things. It may in fact be a brand-new concept pioneered by Limbaugh, and it is constructed as follows:

1) Gather pieces of actual quotes reported in the media.
2) Mash them up in a self-serving way.
3) Make up even more self-serving shit.
4) Call it a "combo quote" as a truthiness fig leaf.

Lies are nothing new, of course, but calling them a "combo quote" may be a genuine innovation. At any rate, here’s the “combo quote” Limbaugh falsely attributed to the president on NRO:

"If we don't get this done we (the Democrats) could lose seats and I could lose re-election. But we can't let people like Rush Limbaugh stall this. That's how things don't get done in this town."

Of course, Obama said no such thing, and had a media figure on the left put words in The Shrub’s mouth in such a dishonest manner, the hacks at NRO would be all over it. But putting aside partisan rancor, this “combo quote” thingie has potential. Allow me to demonstrate by producing one based loosely on Limbaugh’s NRO piece:

“Republicans should publicly denounce me and thus marginalize me. I’m to blame for this current debacle. Anyone with a brain knows I’m a lying douchebag, which is why I rely on brainless Dittoheads to keep my cyst-ridden, hypocritical ass in scented candles and kitty litter. -- Rush Limbaugh”

See how nicely that works? The possibilities are truly limitless! Thanks, Rush!

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

The Ox-Blago Incident

2009-01-24T14:50:00.000-05:00

Jeebus, what a blithering nutball. Whatever point he was trying to rustle up got roped and hogtied along with the steer back at the ranch.

Also, I find it somewhat surprising that Chicago politicians seem unable to discuss political tribulations without resorting to lynching or hanging metaphors. First Bobby Rush on behalf of Roland Burris, and now Blago on behalf of Blago. WTF?

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Hell freezes over?

2009-01-20T23:12:00.002-05:00

It’s not hell, but it’s damn near freezing over where I live. It might snow in the Tampa Bay area tonight for the first time in 32 years. I remember the last snowfall. We got to stay home from school. It was the first time I ever saw snow. It’s supposed to be back up in the 70s again this weekend though. Don’t hate me because I don’t need a parka.

Speaking of hell freezing over, a black dude with the middle name “Hussein” was sworn in as president of the United States today. Get the fuck out, y’all! I’ve been as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning all day. Now comes the hard part. How will you remember this day?

Nah nah nah nah! Nah nah nah nah! Hey hey hey! Good-bye!

2009-01-19T12:37:00.001-05:00

I remember the first time I saw one of the these Bush countdown clock dealios. It was so depressing. There were 21,870 days. Or maybe it was 2,187. At any rate, long and depressing. How heartening to see a "0" now for days and watching the seconds tick down on this disastrous administration. Woohoo!

Why I enjoyed Bush's farewell address

2009-01-16T09:12:00.002-05:00

I’ll never forget Bush’s first speech as president -- the inaugural address that brought a nightmarish conclusion to the 2000 recount clusterfuck. My daughter was two years old then, toddling around the living room in diapers as her dad and I, numb with horror and disbelief, watched Bush deliver the coup de grace to Election 2000.

Bush said something particularly offensive -- inappropriately injected religion into the speech or something -- and my two middle fingers rose of their own accord.

“Don’t do that,” Mr. Cracker admonished, gesturing toward the baby. “You won’t like it if she picks that up and flips off your mom.”

“I can’t help it,” I replied. “Bush just triggers this involuntary reflex, you know?”

And for the next eight years, he would continue to do so. It’s depressing to recall that even as angry, sad and sick with dread as we were while watching Bush’s first inaugural address, we had no idea what horrors the next eight years would unleash. No. Idea.

Last night, eight infinitely angrier, sadder and more dreadful years later, Bush addressed us for the last time as president, and of course, I involuntarily flipped the rotten bastard off multiple times. I thought about the fact that my now-fifth grader has never known a presidency that her parents didn’t hold in maximum contempt, does not remember a time when her country wasn’t bogged down in two wars and when the specter of terrorism wasn’t routinely wielded to sway elections, abridge essential liberties at home and commit heinous war crimes abroad. This shit is normal to her.

But despite the fact that national prosperity and national ruin form the bookends of Bush’s disastrous presidency, I enjoyed last night’s speech a whole lot more than his first. And not just because it was a farewell speech.

See, I have this vindictive streak about a mile wide, and it’s not enough for me that Bush is simply leaving. I want him to pay for what he’s done. I know he’ll never be held accountable in the way he deserves -- no trip to The Hague awaits. It pisses me off; however, I accept that reality. But goddamn it, I at least want him to know he’s a gigantic failure. But until last night, it appeared Bush would skate off into the sunset with his delusions intact, secure in the knowledge that history would vindicate him.

Last night, I saw something different -- a dawning realization in Bush. He was still offering the same lame excuses and self-puffery. He was still pretending that his only faults were to love America too much and to have such a gigantic set of balls that he didn’t fear to spurn popular opinion in favor of doing what he thought was right.

But last night, I could see that even he didn’t really believe that shit. And it all started to make sense. After all, swaggering bullies of that type typically offer such platitudes, but they don’t really believe them. The reason they become swaggering bullies in the first place is to provoke reactions in others that aggrandize themselves. They may see all the other inhabitants of the planet as bit players in the grand drama in which they star, but they desperately need that audience to fill the hollow place where a non-sociopath’s soul, conscience, etc., would reside.

During last night’s speech, despite the defensiveness and bravado, the mask slipped and exposed the small, petty failure that is George W. Bush. And he knows it. He knows the real reason his old man blubbers every time he gets near a microphone is shame. He knows the reason his brother Jeb won’t run for the senate in Florida is because of the infamy he, George W. Bush, has attached to their family name.

Of course, like any sociopath, Bush won’t own his part in the disaster he made; he is incapable of blaming himself and will believe himself ill-appreciated until the day he dies. But he can see that his audience -- all the insignificant not-George W. Bushes who form the population of earth and exist solely to provide foils and color to his personal drama -- are not impressed. And it troubles him. It looks like that will have to be enough.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

We’re gonna need a bigger boat

2009-01-15T15:36:00.002-05:00

Jesus H. God, it appears Bank of America, the BoA that swallowed Merrill Lynch, needs an additional $100-$200 billion from the feds to wash it down. Hope they have enough ink.

Sanchez bitch-slaps Joe the Fascist clear to Lichtenstein

2009-01-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

I generally have very little use for CNN’s Rick Sanchez, but he sure gave that mongoloid Samuel J. Wurzelbacher what fer… Bravo, Mr. Sanchez!

[Via Wonkette; cross-posted at Rumproast]

No comment

2009-01-13T12:30:00.001-05:00

So Meghan McCain granted an interview to some blog and talked about how wonderful the campaign was and how proud she is to be the daughter of a failed Republican candidate and all. But when asked about Sarah Palin, here’s all she had to say:

“Sarah Palin is the only part of the campaign that I won’t comment on publicly.”

F A S C I N A T I N G. There just has got to be some sort of juicy, embarrassing story behind this. Did Bristol impregnate Meghan’s beau? Did Dumptruck pull the fringe off a favorite Straight Talk Express throw pillow? Did Todd repeatedly leave the lid up on the RV toilet? Does Meghan blame Sarah for dashing her dream of becoming White House princess? Someone needs to spill the goddamned beans already.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Socket & wrench

2009-01-12T18:54:00.001-05:00

The pervasive meme emerging from the Blago-Burris affair is that Blago and Burris outwitted Reid, the Senate Dems and, to some extent, Obama himself. That was my original view of it too, inspired by my general opinion of Harry Reid, a man so thoroughly bereft of a spine that he makes a bucket of shucked oysters compare favorably to the cast of 300.

David Broder, the Dean Wormer of the Washington press corps, contends the only reason Obama hasn’t been squashed like a bug politically by Blago’s machinations is that the looming Great Depression Part Deux focuses folks’ minds elsewhere.

Politico says even if everyone else realizes there are more pressing matters, Senate Dems are furious with Reid, Durbin and Obama for being outmaneuvered by small fry like Blago and Burris. Even the most hard-boiled, cynical political analysts can’t help but allow a tone of unabashed admiration to creep into their voices when discussing the moxie and political acumen of Blago and Burris.

But is this really the proper conclusion to draw from how this has played out? Does the brain of a political genius lurk beneath Blago’s absurd ‘do? Is Burris a steely-eyed strategist who courageously faced down a formidable array of foes to claim his rightful prize?

I don’t think so. I think each is exactly what he appeared to be at the outset of this drama: Blago is a brazen, greedy sleazebag, and Burris is a shameless, self-aggrandizing opportunist. Neither has really won a damn thing worth having, and the supposed humiliation they perpetrated on their opponents will eventually be seen as the gift that it is.

How so? Well, let’s remember where we were when this all began to unfold. After prosecutor Fitzgerald busted Blago, political analysts on CNN, MSNBC and elsewhere spent days breathlessly wondering to what extent the Blago imbroglio would attach a whiff of corruption to Obama and the Dems on the national stage. Obama couldn’t hold a press conference on any topic without reporters trying to explore the Barack-Blago connection. Now, Blago has been established as the implacable enemy of Obama and the Senate Dems. And Blago is exactly the right sort of enemy to have.

Blago may think he’s stuck it to his enemies by making the appointment, but what does he really gain? He’s still going down one way or another, and now he’s provided cover for anyone who might be unfairly associated with him (Obama and Democrats in general) by demonstrating that he’s a rambling, loony, defiant dickhead. I’m pretty sure that’s not the outcome he intended.

As for Burris, like the vast majority of non-Illinoisans, I’d never heard of the guy before Blago thrust him onto the national stage. But he seems to be a glory hound who has hardly covered himself in glory during this episode, in which he displayed an unseemly eagerness to take any path to power. So he has another line to chisel on his creepy, King Tut-esque mausoleum. But he had to ally himself with a corrupt asshole engaged in extraordinarily cynical racial mau-mauing to land the gig.

I guess Burris thinks it’s worth it. But that doesn’t make it so, any more than George Bush’s belief that history will vindicate his spectacularly failed presidency makes it so. Unless Burris personally orchestrates Middle East peace or a way out of the economic shitpile, it’s hard to envision a scenario in which he doesn’t go down in history looking like, well, a socket, i.e., not even really a tool, merely the appendage of a tool.

In the end, I think Obama, Durbin and even the invertebrate Reid will emerge from this scrap looking a lot better than that pair of clowns. Opposing corrupt and egotistical creeps -- even unsuccessfully -- has a way of highlighting one’s virtues.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Joe the Fascist

2009-01-11T20:29:00.001-05:00

Quelle surprise -- the feeble-minded plunger jockey prefers good old fashioned propaganda to reportage.

H/T: Balloon Juice

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Go Gators

2009-01-08T07:51:00.003-05:00

Identical twin offensive linemen for the Gators, Mike and Maurkice Pouncey.

That's all I got, aside from this: I quit smoking this week, and if I can make it through Game Day, hell, I can make it through Armageddon!

King George IV

2009-01-05T13:33:00.002-05:00

Addled, cry-baby old fart George H. W. Bush appeared on the family’s news network this weekend for a confab with Chris Wallace, during which he wished another scourge on a nation that has already suffered enough: a presidential term for his son “Jeb.” Even a deluded, Depends-dependent fool like GHWB realizes that the timing may be problematic:

I mean, right now is probably a bad time, because we've had enough Bushes in there.

Bush the Elder totally misses the point: It’s not the number of Bushes so much as the epic level of incompetence the most recent just demonstrated, which by rights should doom anyone sharing that last name to a lifetime of political irrelevance. But I guess you can’t expect a father to recognize his son’s world-historical cretinism -- even if practically everyone else on the planet does.

As to Jeb’s personal merits, speaking as a Floridian who suffered though 8 years of Governor Jeb Bush and is currently surveying the ruination the piece of shit left in his wake, let me just say, “Fuck you, Poppy.” Chris Wallace is more polite, however, and wraps up the interview by inquiring after Bush the Elder’s thrill-seeking adventures:

WALLACE: Now, finally, when we talked about a year ago, I asked you if you planned to mark your 85th birthday the way you spent your 80th birthday, by jumping out of an airplane, and you said yes at that time. Is that still your goal?

G.H.W. BUSH: Still on, still on. It will be on June -- right around June 12th. As you can see, I'm hobbling down the hall with my cane. People say, "Look at this old idiot." They think he's going to go out and make a parachute jump. I am.

My initial thought upon hearing that was to hope the old fart’s parachute fails to deploy and that he goes out with a SPLAT. I know that’s mean. But to hear the doddering fucker wish another of his demented children on a wounded nation was just too much to bear with my compassion and respect for the elderly intact. However, I had to revise that wish upon learning that Papa Bush doesn’t jump alone:

I [parachute] with the -- in this instance, with the Golden Knights. All the services have good parachute teams, but I've jumped with the Golden Knights, and we've told them we want to do this, and they said they're game.

And you're in the arms of a great big strong guy. People say, "What about your old hip, your old body?" He does all the work. He opens the chute. You float majestically down to Earth after the chute is open.

And then as you go to land, he says -- and you hear him easy -- "Pick up your feet. Pick them up." And I'm in his arms, and my feet up, and he lands with his feet down on the ground and walk -- we both walk away. So there's no... There's no jarring or anything like that.

WALLACE: Well, I have to ask you the same question, though, finally, that I asked you a year ago. Why?

G.H.W. BUSH: Well, the same answer I gave you. One, just because you're an old guy, you don't need to sit around sucking your thumb drooling in the corner. …It brings out the fact that old people can still do interesting things, scary things, exciting things.

Does it? I know plenty of old people who do interesting, exciting things -- on their own -- but it doesn’t sound like Bush Senior’s parachute adventure requires much active participation on his part. The Golden Knight might as well be jumping with an arthritic sack of potatoes. Maybe Bush should demonstrate his machismo with an activity he can actually perform?

And I wonder how many hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars are squandered helping Bush the Elder and other members of the Dead Pecker Club get their jollies by jumping out of planes and such? Probably enough to pay for advanced prosthetics for a few of the soldiers maimed in Sonny Boy’s unnecessary war. Clueless bastards. May they howl in the political wilderness for 500 generations.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

My list of Top 10 Epic Political Fails of 2008

2008-12-30T10:41:00.002-05:00

I know there are two days of potential failure to go, so perhaps this is premature. But here is my list of top 10 epic political fails of 2008. Discuss!

#10 -- PUMA Movement: A “movement” in the same sense and level of importance of “bowel movement,” PUMA might be rated #1 if entertainment value and copious evidence of failure were the chief criteria. However, in my poll, consequence counts too, so PUMA struggles into the top 10 at the bottom slot. And only because I personally found them amusing. By rights, the “Bratz” vs “Barbie” kerfluffle should edge them out.

#9 -- Joe the Plumber: Like a cockroach scrambling for purchase in a swirling toilet, John McCain latched onto the sturdiest-looking turd in the bowl as his campaign foundered. He chose poorly. Not only did bullet-headed lunk (not) Joe the (not) Plumber say wingnutty shit that alienated the McCain supporters with triple-digit IQs (both of them!) and leave McCain in the lurch at rallies, he subsequently disavowed his erstwhile patron and made the world's worst amateur porn flick.

#8 -- Fred Thompson’s GOP Presidential Candidacy: Gravitas bestowed by a rumbling baritone voice and numerous flinty-eyed performances on film and TV? Check. Confirmation of virility ostentatiously conveyed by decades-younger wife? Check. Actual vigor and energy? Not so much. The Great GOP Hope clearly preferred a scotch and a nap to campaigning. Oh well.

#7 -- Mitt Romney’s $35M Investment: Romney’s chief credential is his financial acumen, but what does it say about his investment prowess that he blew $35M clams on his own crappy campaign and failed to convince anyone but Hugh Hewitt of his inevitability? His campaign stunk like a stream of runny dog shit flowing from atop a Country Estate Wagon. But lefty bloggers had the Five Brothers Blog to ridicule for a few precious months.

#6 -- Paultards: At least their heroine Ayn Rand managed to write some crappy books that inspired a future Fed chairman to enact economy-wrecking policies. Ron Paul supporters’ only accomplishments of note were to fund a stupid blimp and organize flying monkey swarms to derail GOP internet discussions. However, their rEVOLution blimp alone entitles them to primacy over the PUMAs, who couldn’t even gas up the Mini-Winnie RV of Haka Doom.

#5 -- Giuliani’s Electoral Strategy: What the fuck was that all about? After focusing solely on states that start with an “F” and end with a “Lorida,” Giuliana got his ass handed to him in the state by both McCain and Romney, who each received twice as many votes as Giuliani did. A noun, a verb and 9/11 only go so far.

#4 -- L’affair Edwards: I long suspected Edwards of being a self-aggrandizing phony. But his focus on poverty during the primary season struck me as at least partially authentic and admirable -- and remember, this was before Great Depression Part Deux struck and made it more likely that many of us will join Edwards’ displaced mill workers in the breadline. But then he had to go put a camera-toting chippie on the payroll and get ambushed in the toilet of a fancy hotel while visiting his love child. Idiot.

#3 -- George W. Bush: The opposite of King Midas (Gnik Sadim?), everything he touches turns to shit. He’s topped my political fail list for the better part of a decade now, and his attempts to salvage a legacy at this late hour are as contemptible as they are pathetic. Digby said it best: “They need accept that the best they can hope for is to end up among history's inept clowns instead of history's villains. It's not much, but it's all they've got.”

#2 -- Sarah Palin: Oh, I’ll admit, she had me worried at first. On paper, she looked good. But then she opened her piehole, launching 987,693 punch lines and finally dooming the McCain campaign. The only question now is whether the sticky little starbursts she coaxed from the (ahem) hard right will congeal into a resolve to repeat the epic fail in 2012. Let’s hope so.

#1 -- John McCain: To be fair, McCain had Bush around his neck like a millstone, but whose fault is that? If McCain truly possessed the principles and honor on which he bases his personal mythology, he could have set himself up as a credible opponent to Bush ages ago and had a real shot at winning this year. But he defended the indefensible. He said dumb things and stuck to them. He needlessly alienated a sycophantic press corp. He squandered the unearned good will he’d spent decades deceitfully amassing. So he’s the top loo-hoo-hoo-ZER of 2008 in my book.

So what did I miss?

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

The most awesomest Christmas song evar!

2008-12-24T09:22:00.000-05:00

Busted!!1!1! A Pre-Christmas Story

2008-12-23T11:21:00.002-05:00

My 10-year-old daughter is living proof of the old adage that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree: She’s every bit as sneaky as I am, and just as eager to spoil carefully orchestrated surprises. But knowing this gives me the advantage of being able to anticipate her moves and thwart them. (God, I can’t wait until she hits puberty! What fun we’ll have!)

Anyhoo, she desperately wants a Wii for Christmas and has been making that known to everyone who will listen for the past six months at least. Well, she’s getting one, but I am just as determined for it to be a surprise as she is to find out what she’s getting in advance.

I’ve been dropping not-so-subtle hints that a Wii is just not in the cards this year. Hard times. Scarcity of supply and all of that. I even enlisted my honest-to-a-fault sister in my psych-out scheme: We took a longish car trip last weekend, and -- knowing the kid was listening in from the back seat -- my sister and I discussed the impossibility of buying a Wii since the stores are sold out -- all in the context of my sister’s made-up “friend,” who wants to buy a Wii for his kid.

My daughter helpfully suggested that scads of Wiis are available on eBay. “Too late,” I said. “Auntie’s friend couldn’t possibly get one shipped in time.” (Not really true as of last Saturday, but what does the kid know about express shipping?) She sighed and sank lower in the seat, sure her Wii dreams were dashed.

Then yesterday, we received a FedEx package. As soon as the truck pulled up, I told the kid that the package was absolutely none of her business, so step away from that door and do NOT attempt to divine anything from that mailing label. I mean it, Missy. Santa will pass you by, you little sneak.

I made a big show of how heavy the package was, thinking that would throw her off, but she just observed that Wiis are heavy. “Really?” I said. “I didn’t think they were any heavier than a laptop. But as you can plainly see, this package isn’t at all Wii-shaped.”

“ Could be a Wii and a bunch of games,” she replied. (And it was, damn it all!)

So I hustled the package off to my bedroom. I locked the door and opened it, ripping off and pocketing the mailing label. Wii with Fit crapola. I took out the enclosed console and game boxes and hid them in odd places -- one at the bottom of a laundry hamper. Another in a suitcase on the top shelf of my closet, etc. Then I took the box they came in, filled it with books and placed it atop a 6-foot-tall armoire. Later, I went to my office and used my web cam to take a picture of myself looking stern and pointing an accusatory finger. I captioned it with “BUSTED!!1!1!!” and printed it out. I went back to my room and placed the picture in the box, on top of all the books.

Later that afternoon, the kid came into my room while I was there and looked longingly at the box on the armoire. “Don’t you even think about looking in that box,” I told her. “I WON’T!” she replied, and flounced off. Uh-huh.

Later still, I told her I would be in my home office taking a conference call. She could barely contain her glee. I shut the door and waited, giving her time to sneak off to my bedroom and drag a chair over to the armoire so she could reach the box.

I snuck down the hall just as she was putting it on the floor and opening the flaps. She made this dismayed “Gahhhhh!” sound when she saw the enclosed picture. I didn’t even alert her to my presence, much less gloat -- I just snuck back to my office and loudly opened the door while she scrambled to replace the box. Heh.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

A filthy lie

2008-12-22T08:09:00.003-05:00

The lie: HuffPo sports headline: Detroit Lions: Worst NFL Record Ever As They Go 0-15.

The truth: The Tampa Bay Bucs went 0-26, losing every single game in their 1976 inaugural season and the first 12 games the following year to finish up 2-12 in 1977. The Tampa Bay Bucs, not the Detroit Lions, hold the worst NFL record ever.

Sure, the current NFL regular season is longer than it was in 1976, so the Lions can claim to have lost more games in a single season – on a technicality. But to try to usurp our historic record as the all-time worst team? That’s bullshit.

The Lions won their 2nd to last game in 2007, so they’re currently on a 16 game losing streak. Lose 10 more and THEN come back and talk to me. That record is OURS, bitchez.

Like the surviving members of the perfect 1972 Dolphins squad, I’ll have champagne on ice to uncork when I know our record is safe. That’ll happen sometime next year.

Going to the inauguration? Pissed off about Warren?

2008-12-19T16:03:00.003-05:00

Then check out this Kos diary by Allan Brauer, who has a great, non-disruptive idea about how to show solidarity against Warren's brand of bigotry. Wish I could be there to join in.

Like most cretinous, right-wing god-botherers, Warren doesn't confine his condescension to the LGBT community; women are also patronized and atheists are judged not fit to hold public office. Check out excerpts of this pastoral guide unearthed by Sully -- it was written by Warren and other church leaders and distributed to the Saddleback sheep, um, flock:

[On wifely submission]

Submission does not mean women are under the authority of men in general. I love the King James Version's rendition of Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands." Guess what? Wives aren't asked to submit to anyone else's husband! Just their own!
While I make this point somewhat tongue-in cheek, many women assume the Bible teaches their general inferiority and subjection to men. Untrue. Paul is talking about marriage as a matter between each husband and wife.

It is a relief to know that as a wife and mother I am not totally responsible for my family. I have a husband to look to for counsel and direction. I can rely on his toughness when I am too soft and his logic when I am too emotional.

[On internet porn]

I went for a while thinking I could handle it on my own. Frankly, who wants to admit this kind of sin? With my years of experience in ministry and my seminary degree, I thought I could figure a way out of this one.
But I kept falling into a cycle of despair — perhaps you’re familiar with it? Falling on my face before God, I’d swear I’d never do it again. But then I’d convince myself that one last time wouldn’t hurt, and quickly I’d be stuck right back in the briar patch of pornography that plagues the World Wide Web.

My wife is also an ally in this battle, and you need yours as well. Sherry set "locks” on my computer, and I do not know the password. This means I am blocked from most pornographic sites because my wife’s settings recognize them as such. I also — and, yes, this was embarrassing — handed my wife a list of Internet addresses for the pornographic sites I tended to visit.

She created specific blocks for them, so I can no longer access them. Once again, this eliminated a lot of my temptation. I now feel comfortable using my own computer, but nervous when I use an unprotected computer. I’m glad my wife established these blocks.

Sweet weeping Jeebus surfing chickswithdicks.com -- this is precisely the kind of absurd claptrap that set me fleeing from Jesus Camp the moment I hit puberty. They manage to infantilize men and women both, which is a neat trick. Maybe this is what they mean by "inclusiveness"?

I'm unclear on how a guy who can't resist wanking off to strange ladies' naughty bits online -- even though he really wants to -- can simultaneously serve as a paragon of logic to counter silly wifely emotionalism, but whatevs. Nice Invocator you got there, President-Elect Obama.

Mullah Warren

2008-12-19T10:14:00.003-05:00

All this talk about Rick Warren, the fundamentalist gasbag Obama chose to give the invocation at his inauguration, being a "moderate" evangelical reminds me of the "moderate" clerics in Iran. You know, the people who advocate replacing the "Death to America" chant with "A Terminal Case of Lung Cancer to America." The folks who think homosexuals should be executed by hanging rather than being buried up to their necks in shit and pummeled with rocks. The moderate faction that still wants to require women to scuttle around under drop-cloths but believe a drop-cloth with a muted color other than black isn't an immediate invitation to wanton fornication. Those guys.

I've been venting my spleen all over the internets about this issue, so I figured since I have a blog, it makes sense to address it here too. Rather than paraphrase what I've written a dozen times, I'll just lift my comment in response to this thoughtful post by Marindenver at Rumproast and reprint it here:

Here’s why my knickers are still in such a monumental twist: Obama didn’t have to do this. I understand pragmatism and reaching across the aisle. I know there’s a difference between real policy and symbolic gestures of inclusion.
This is 100% symbolism, and in my opinion, the symbolism sucks. Warren isn’t just some generic bible-humper: He played a key role in passing Prop 8. Within the past month, he was on TV comparing gay marriage with incest and pedophilia, telling Sean Hannity that God uses governments to punish evil-doers, so it’s okay for Hannity to inflame his audience with foreign leader assassination fantasies. Warren also compared pro-choicers to Nazis. He’s an over-stuffed bag of dicks by any progressive measure—Jerry Falwell in a Hawaiian shirt, as someone on Maddow rightly called him last night.

I know you know all of this, and I understand the need for perspective. I still support Obama, of course, and will rejoice to see the end of the Bush regime in less than a month, hallelujah-amen.

But for me, the joy and relief brought about by the impending departure of Bush and the ushering in of what I still believe will be an administration with a distinctly progressive flavor was already tempered with sadness about the step backwards we took with the passage of Prop 8 and anti-gay amendments in FL and AZ.

And now Obama has chosen to open this new era by elevating the stature of one of the chief purveyors of the intolerance that is holding us back. And for what? I don’t believe for a second that any of the knuckle-draggers who nod their heads when Warren spews his bigoted sanctimony will be won over by Warren’s inclusion in the inauguration ceremony. As Berube noted yesterday, they will go to their graves cursing the scary Mooslim-Marxist-furriner-black-dude who wants to be their president too.

There are perhaps center right folks who can be peeled off, and we need them to move forward. I’m down with that. I just don’t see how appealing to the followers of that self-important goateed gasbag accomplishes it. But what it does accomplish is to significantly diminish the enthusiasm of many people like me who worked our asses off to get Obama elected. I hope the trade-off is worth it. Sincerely, I do. But I don’t think it is.

I'll get over it, but this pisses me off. The end.

We can dig it

2008-12-17T15:23:00.002-05:00

Who's the first black president-elect
That's the man 66 million voters select?
(Barack!)
You're damn right

Who is the man
That can raise hundreds of millions from his brother man?
(Barack!)
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's PUMAs all about
(Barack!)
Right on

They say this cat Barack is a bad mother--
(Shut your mouth!)
But I'm just talkin' about Barack!
(Then we can dig it!)

Okay, here’s reason number #8,679 why I’ll never run for president: Embarrassing photos would surface. I’m guessing Barack never saw this coming.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

She's still the Cosmos

2008-12-10T10:40:00.001-05:00

As the late, great Molly Ivins noted in her seminal take-down, Camille Paglia is the queen of the categorical statement. Unlike the rest of us, who have opinions on people or cultural phenomena that we might call “personal preferences,” Paglia’s likes and dislikes are definitive.

You think that’s easy? Her role as the sole arbiter of significance makes it impossible for poor Paglia to merely hold an opinion on any subject. She must instead confer mantles of cultural significance to an odd assortment of singers, actors, writers and politicians and defend her stamp of approval forever, no matter how events might overtake her original assessment.

For example, Paglia can’t merely admire a 3rd rate karaoke singer with a keen aptitude for marketing; she must declare Madonna the future of feminism and stick by that assessment, no matter how vapid or kooky the object of her devotion becomes over the years. That must be a heavy burden indeed.

But no burden can be heavier than the woman to whom Paglia passed the future of feminism torch after she personally snatched it from Madonna’s failing claws: Sarah Palin. Before the election, Paglia decreed Palin had “made the biggest step forward in feminism since Madonna.” At least Madonna obliged Paglia by continuing to crank out crappy pop tunes for several hundred years after being identified as feminism’s future. But Palin’s quick post-election fizzle left Paglia scrambling for justifications of her faith. And she settled on, of all things, language.

According to Paglia, those of us who were mystified by Palin’s mangled syntax and incomprehensible sentence structure are the stupid ones, and snobs to boot:

“So she doesn't speak the King's English -- big whoop! There is a powerful clarity of consciousness in her eyes. She uses language with the jumps, breaks and rippling momentum of a be-bop saxophonist.”

See, we Palin critics are like those stuffy opera aficionados who failed to recognize the genius of Charlie Parker. And if that cultural reference is too musty for you, Paglia helpfully supplies a more recent one in her current Salon column -- Palin speaks like bloggers write:

There has been a revolution in English -- registered in the 1950s in the street slang, colloquial locutions and assertive rhythms of both Beat poetry and rock 'n' roll and now spread far and wide on the Web in the standard jazziness of blogspeak…

English has evolved, and the world has moved on. There is no necessary connection between bourgeois syntax and practical achievement. I have never had the slightest problem with understanding Sarah Palin's meaning at any time.

Really? Then perhaps she’d be kind enough to translate this passage for me:

“Sitting here in these chairs that I’m going to be proposing but in working with these governors who again on the front lines are forced to and it’s our privileged obligation to find solutions to the challenges facing our own states every day being held accountable, not being just one of many just casting votes or voting present every once in a while, we don’t get away with that. We have to balance budgets and we’re dealing with multibillion dollar budgets and tens of thousands of employees in our organizations."

I think Palin was trying to say that as executives, governors are accountable in a way that members of congress are not. She also seems to work in a sly dig at Obama with the “present” vote thing. But the lack of clear subjects, objects and verbs (not to mention extraneous references to furniture) makes supposition necessary. Ferreting out Palin’s meaning reminds me of the daunting task the family in the old Lassie drama faced each week: ascertaining the fate of little Timmy from a collie dog’s series of yips, woofs and lunges.

Is Paglia really saying that clear, concise communication isn’t important as long as there’s a “powerful clarity of consciousness” in one’s eyes? What an odd thing for a college professor to say. I guess Lassie would get an “A” in Paglia’s media studies class.

Life would be much simpler for Paglia if she could just admit that Madonna and Palin give her a lady-boner and leave it at that. But she can’t, not for Madonna and Palin, and not for any subject on which her beady little eyes alight.

And I pity her for it. How hard it must be to get through lunch if you can’t just enjoy a slice of pizza but must instead declaim on the cultural significance of Italian-American cuisine’s vibrant, gaudy, triumphant dance on the grave of drab, puritanical meat and potatoes! Such is the price of Cosmos-hood. As we say in the provincial South, bless her heart.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Gators to contend for title

2008-12-08T16:59:00.001-05:00

You are toast, Oklahoma. The mighty Gators will rock your world on January 8.

Department of Dumb Mofos

2008-12-08T09:55:00.001-05:00

Does Dennis Miller, the unfunny wingnut comedian, live in Florida? It wouldn’t surprise me -- wingnut celebrities are as common around here as giant, indestructible flying cockroaches. Limbaugh, Coulter and Drudge infest the state, for example. But it would surprise me if Miller resides in the somewhat scruffy town of Lakeland, since Florida-dwelling wingers seem to prefer gated compounds in Palm Beach.

At any rate, there is a wingnut named Dennis Miller in Lakeland, who opined thusly in a local rag this Sunday, revealing vast expanses of stupidity:

Shoot Back at Terrorists

Let’s assume that the terrorist attack had taken place in New York City instead of India. And let’s assume for a moment that Plaxico Burris [sic] was in the restaurant in the hotel, and that he took out his pistol and returned fire and shot a couple of terrorists.

And what if some others in the restaurant would have grabbed their automatic weapons and returned fire?

I wonder how many lives it might have saved. I wonder how long before the good mayor of New York would have seen fit to prosecute Burris [sic] for having a concealed weapon in his city which is illegal.

I wonder if in planning their attacks, al-Qaida takes into consideration those locations where they know the government has taken away the private citizens right to defend themselves.

DENNIS MILLER
LAKELAND

Okay, I’ll play “let’s assume.” Given Burress’ demonstrated prowess with firearms, it seems much more likely that he would have blown his own testicles off rather than plugging a terrorist or two had the Mumbai bad guys invaded his New York nightclub (not restaurant) rather than sites in India.

Also, having visited New York nightclubs a time or two back in the day, I don’t share Miller’s confidence in random drunks’ ability to assume the role of anti-terrorist commando at a moment’s notice. In fact, I can envision a scenario in which the death toll would be even higher thanks to would-be Rambos mowing down innocent bystanders with automatic weapons. It’s not their willingness to help I question; it’s their ability to, um, execute.

I bet Mr. Miller is an avid viewer of Red Dawn and a member of the Chuck Norris fan club. He probably has a concealed carry permit, which any fool without a recent felony conviction or involuntary commitment can easily obtain in Florida. I bet he daydreams about taking heroic action should he ever be on the scene of a robbery or terrorist attack.

But you know what he’d probably do in such a situation? The same thing most of us would do -- run away like a scared little bunny. I have some experience with this. I was in an office building once years ago when a madman opened fire. To my eternal shame, I did not counter-attack using my lunch tray as a martial arts star but instead kicked off my impractical dressy shoes and ran like a scalded dog. The only person running away faster than me was the armed security guard, who probably thought he was more Bruce Willis in Die Hard than Thumper in Bambi too. Oh well. Dreams die hard. Even daydreams.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Evangeliban

2008-12-05T08:08:00.000-05:00

Of course Hannity is a warmongering thug who hasn’t the faintest idea how foreign policy power functions in the country he is so transparently eager to bomb. Nothing new there. But can we stop pretending Rick Warren is a moderate now? He is also either shockingly ignorant about what the bible actually says or willing to twist its message to appeal to Hannity’s troglodyte core audience. My money’s on the latter. No respectable politician should ever take this creep seriously again.

[H/T: Sullivan. Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Prop 8: The Musical

2008-12-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

I approve this message. And Jack Black makes a great Jeebus!

Big three auto company CEOs to receive $1 per year more than they're worth

2008-12-02T17:35:00.002-05:00

Top car company execs pledge to receive $1 a year in compensation if US taxpayers bail their sorry asses out:

As part of its plan, Ford announced that the salary of Ford CEO Alan Mulally would be cut to $1 a year if Ford actually borrowed money from the government.

General Motors said that CEO Rick Wagoner also will accept a $1 salary. Chrysler LLC CEO Robert Nardelli agreed during Congressional testimony last month he would also agree to a $1 salary in return for federal help.

Mulally had a base salary of $2 million and total compensation of $21.7 million last year, according to the company's filings. Wagoner received base pay of $1.6 million and total compensation of $14.4 million. Closely-held Chrysler does not disclose executive pay.

As painful and galling as it is, I get the logic of bailing out the auto industry. But as one of their prospective lenders, I say a condition should be that these rat-bastard CEOs get the heave-ho.

They sucked last year when they received annual compensation ranging from $14M to $21M. Some of them having been stinking up Detroit for more than 10 years, pumping out gas guzzlers and generally shitty cars in the face of looming fuel shortages and competitive forces we’ve known about for decades. They did nothing to address vital issues then, and there’s no reason to believe they’ll be more prescient and competent with a drastic salary reduction.

I could offer to teach calculus for $10 bucks an hour, and any university that hired me would save a shitload in personnel costs. But since I struggle to calculate a 20% tip in my head, it would be a poor bargain. Same thing here. Ford, GM and Chrysler need to kick these bastards to the curb. Then come talk to me about sticking their feedstaw in my wallet.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Playing tag: Six random things about me

2008-12-01T14:12:00.004-05:00

I was tagged (by Kevin K at Rumproast) to play the "Six Random Things About Me" game. I'm kinda late in responding, but I had a turkey to brine, various experimental side dishes to concoct and warring factions of relatives to keep separated. At any rate, here goes:

1) I was the cause of a shot-gun marriage between a hippie and a redneck. (It lasted for several years – a miracle!)

2) During a drunken midnight stroll through Salzburg, Austria, I once trapped a poor little hedgehog in my purse, took it upstairs, woke up my traveling companions and made them look at it and then freed the traumatized critter in the alley where I found it.

3) I was a punk rocker – one of the few in my tiny high school in my tiny hometown. I once fashioned a tunic out of a black Hefty bag and wore it to school to display my “the world is garbage, including me” punk weltschmerz. People assumed my family had lost its possessions in a fire and offered to donate clothes.

4) I am terrified of flying and only do so when compelled by business or family obligations. When I do have to fly, I must place the palm of my right hand on the fuselage while boarding the plane, even if it means shifting babies and bags around to perform the ritual. If the people behind me get antsy about the wait, tough shit; I’m saving their lives too.

5) I fucking HATE pickles. If I bite into a pickle in a supposedly pickle-free sandwich, I react exactly as I would if I bit into a cat turd: I spit it out and run to the bathroom and wash my mouth out repeatedly, then scrub my tongue with a toothbrush until it hurts.

6) I’m a really excellent cook and entirely self-taught. My mom and grandmothers can’t cook worth a damn, and my dad apparently views all residences as restaurants in which he is the sole, prized customer. He actually rattles ice cubes in a glass to indicate he wants more tea. I pretend not to hear it.

I now tag the following unfortunate souls: Icebergwedge, J at J-Two-O, Gimme at What Did They Do Now, Aimai at If I Ran the Zoo, Evan at Break the Terror, Noah at The November Blog. Sorry, guys.

And I am posting the rules as required:

THE SIX RANDOM THINGS RULES:

Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Write six random things about yourself.
Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.

Bush pardons turkey

2008-11-26T17:33:00.001-05:00

But the lucky bird didn't breath a sigh of relief until President-Elect Obama assured him he would not have a starring role in the Thanksgiving Day feast. Even bird-brains don't take Bush seriously anymore...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

I Am Treasury

2008-11-25T08:58:00.000-05:00

Obama rolled out his economic team yesterday, and I thought, “Meh.” I don’t have no steenking PhD in economics from an elitist university and was in fact an English major at a state school with a top-tier football team, but I could do better in the “bold ideas” department. Even if I did have to Google “number zeros trillion” to determine the basis of my plan.

According to Bloomberg, the total tab for the government bailout is approaching the neighborhood of $7 trillion, which is a pretty goddamn swank neighborhood if you ask me. The population of the US is right around 300 million. So what if we told Citigroup, AIG, GM, Ford, et al, to fuck off and instead divided that $7 trillion amongst the citizenry? If I’ve got my zeros right, every man, woman and child would receive upwards of $23K.

Just imagine the explosion of capitalistic activity such a windfall would detonate! Yankets by Rumproast Manufacturing would find the, um, seed capital it needs to stoke up manufacturing and hire Billy Mays as pitch man. The PUMAs could finally retire Hillary Clinton’s debt and still have enough left over to purchase 1st class bunkers, canned goods, water purification systems, guns and ammo to ride out the Obama Administration.

Now, we know from lotteries past that a large percentage of our population would not invest so wisely and would squander their haul on Wild Turkey Jello shots, gold-plated RVs and hit men to dispense with their pesky relatives, ending up bankrupt and in jail. But it’s precisely that sort of economic activity that greases the wheels of capitalism.

Does anyone doubt that thousands of mom-and-pop bank and credit card outfits would arise to meet consumer needs once the dead-wood banks and their golden-parachuted executive parasites were allowed to fail? Wouldn’t vehicle manufacturing companies arise in garages nationwide -- like that squabbling father-son operation that was the subject of a reality show -- to take the place of our moribund auto industry? I don’t doubt it for a second.

Screw the “financial infrastructure.” And fuck the “too big to fail” companies that are sucking us dry. With my economic recovery plan, we’d get rid of those blood-suckers once and for all and would likely get better products and services into the bargain. At least until Rumproast, Inc. grew into a multi-national conglomerate whose executive team spent the profits made from shaky leveraged debt swaps on Caligula-themed debauchery . And then we’d start all over again.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Friday doggie bloggie: the Boxer Rebellion

2008-11-21T08:11:00.002-05:00

I tell her and tell her and tell her not to dig. But she digs anyway.

Show me that bile again*

2008-11-20T17:54:00.000-05:00

Crappy 80s child actor turned crappy Evangeliban grown-up thespian Kirk Cameron discusses wholesome family films and opines about gay marriage on the Bill-O show:

Bill-O gushes about Cameron’s latest mega-hit with the Christianist set, Fireproof, which took in an astonishing 33% of the take garnered by a movie about talking Chihuahuas and 15% of the weekly haul of a cartoon featuring zoo animals on the lam.

But it seems like the whole conversation was really an excuse to roll the clip of that scary homo riot on Fox News yet again. I bet half of Bill-O’s audience is still cowering behind the sofa. Me, I’m impressed with the restraint of the Castro residents. If that group had camped out on my street after helping orchestrating a vote to strip away my civil rights, the cops wouldn’t have escorted them out; they’d have called in cadaver-sniffing dogs to find their remains.

Can any of the moralizing pricks like Cameron (and they are legion) come up with a reason to oppose gay marriage that doesn’t involve pointing to a line in a religious tome? Nope. The “it has always been thus” defense is unalloyed bullshit too, as marriage was originally invented as a mechanism to transfer women and property (redundant, back in the good old days these goons long for) between men.

But now there’s an anti-Prop 8 backlash, which is like the War on Christmas, only with queers instead of atheists! As usual, wingnuts are falling all over each other to assume the Holy Mantle of Persecution, and here we haven’t even had Thanksgiving yet. Rod Dreher, a prominent Christianist bed-wetter, asks the best question of all about the anti-Prop 8 backlash:

How are defenders of traditional marriage supposed to have reasoned discourse with people who insist that there is nothing to talk about except the terms of our surrender?

You’re not, Rod. You’re supposed to keep on plodding toward the tar pits like a good dinosaur. And don’t think the collusion of the Catholic and Mormon churches will save you from eventual submission to The Gay Agenda.

Does anyone else suspect that smarmy prick Mitt Romney was involved in plotting this somehow? Wasn’t he governor of Massachusetts when child-rapist protection chief Cardinal Law was still running the show? I can see them cooking up this scheme to ingratiate the Mormons with the Evangeliban, who were more disposed to regard Mormons as heretics until they became brothers in gay-oppressing.

What better way to worm one’s way into the fundamentalist mainstream than to pick on a common enemy? The Mormon church hierarchy probably thought, hey, if we demonize fags alongside the Dobsons, Paisleys, Warrens, Perkins, etc., pretty soon, we’ll all be counting the comb marks in President Romney’s hair!

Well, I think they lost that war, even as they won the Prop 8 battle. As a great man once said, the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.

*1,000 80s loser points to anyone who caught that reference in the title...

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Punk Monday

2008-11-17T12:11:00.002-05:00

The making of the world's tallest Mohawk:

[Via CNN]

I'd hate to sit behind that guy at a football game. In other punk news, Johnny Rotten sells butter:

[Via Sadly, No!]

Friday doggie bloggie

2008-11-14T10:24:00.002-05:00

Just like in popular culture, the cute young thing gets all the attention, so here's a picture that includes the old boy. I do wish he'd keep the damn lipstick in the canister, though. Especially when the paparazzi is around.

Re-Branding

2008-11-12T09:13:00.000-05:00

Consider yourself fortunate if you’ve never experienced the agony of a corporate “re-branding” exercise, which goes something like this: You’re trapped in a dreary conference room with goofballs from the marketing and sales teams along with a sprinkling of executives, whom the marketing and sales people are desperate to impress.

Generally there’s a ridiculously expensive consultant or two leading the exercise, employing a white board or one of those giant Post-It note pads. The participants are encouraged to offer adjectives that describe the company and embody its promise to its customers. If the company is sucking wind (and it usually is if it’s engaged in re-branding), participants are told to offer “aspirational” adjectives.

Once the board or giant Post-It thingie is filled with stupid adjectives that have nothing to do with manufacturing widgets or delivering services, an absurd discussion ensues in which the participants and consultants argue over which half dozen adjectives out of the hundred or so best describe the underlying attributes of the new brand. This is how they arrive at the new brand identity, by sorting out stupid descriptions of it, much as the blind men described the elephant.

These discussions invariably descend into surreal pettiness and bickering, with each party vying to impress the executives with their acumen and creativity while equally determined opponents strive to score points by making the others look like clueless buffoons. The lower the actual stakes, the more vicious the discussions become.

Many Danishes are eaten and much coffee is consumed before the lunch cart rolls in to dispense even more fattening grub, which you’ll eat even though you shouldn’t, if only to relieve the crushing ennui and have an excuse to keep your lips shut.

So what emerges from this roiling pit of vipers? It’s usually a document that is supposed to guide future messaging, the idea being that all ads, promotions and communications should convey the new “brand identity” consistently.

The unfortunate souls charged with crafting these messages usually relegate the expensive new brand guidelines to the round file immediately because, after all, how do you imply “agile” in six words of ad copy about sandwiches selling for $4.99? You fucking can’t, not without coming off as a blithering idiot.

Here’s what happens when someone literally applies the results of a branding exercise to a real ad campaign:

That’s right -- consumers are asked to believe that flying to fucking Korea has something to do with “exquisite” and “pledging” and to pretend that pale turquoise shoes and some chick standing on a rock in lingerie and giant tulle bows relates somehow to an airline. In other words, stupefying nonsense.

So what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Nothing, of course. But there was much talk during the recent presidential race about how trashed the GOP brand is, and it’s predictably escalating now that the Republicans are casting about for a new identity.

They may not consciously know it, but the Republicans are embroiled in one of those foolish conference room skirmishes -- one side offering adjectives like “fiscally responsible” and “small government promoting” while the other side screeches “anti-fag” and “Jesus loving.” It’ll be interesting to see what sort of document emerges from that shitpile.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

The Secret Diary of Michelle Obama

2008-11-11T09:16:00.001-05:00

11/11/08: Went to White House with Barack yesterday and met the Bushes for the first time. Had a tour of the WH residence with Laura Bush and discussed the First Lady gig in general terms.

Holy shit, people. This day has been a revelation for me. I’d never met Mrs. Bush before, but I’d often wondered what she was like and how she ended up married to George W. Bush. I mean, she appears to be an intelligent woman -- she’s a librarian and a bookworm, after all.

She seems to have an air of tragic, thwarted humanity about her. How does a seemingly sensitive soul deal with her role in what has been the most disastrous presidency in US history? Well, now I know: She’s drunk! I don’t mean just a little tipsy either -- I mean staggering, slurring, shit-faced drunk…

When we got to the 2nd floor residence, she immediately offered what I thought was a glass of iced tea. It turned out to be almost pure bourbon -- a concoction she calls “Presidential Punch.” She laughed when I choked on the first sip and pressed the recipe into my hand, telling me I’d “need it.”

Mrs. Bush then proceeded to show me hidden liquor cabinets all over the White House. For example, there’s a bust of Thomas Jefferson in one of the hallways. If you press his left eye, the painting on the wall above rotates to reveal a fully stocked bar. Mrs. Bush said, “Honey, you’re never more than 30 steps from a refill.”

As I followed Mrs. Bush from liquor cabinet to liquor cabinet, I tried in vain to change the topic -- to find out about the schools, WH routines, the staff, the food -- anything but the booze! But I might as well have tried to change the course of the Mississippi; Mrs. Bush would not be deterred from her mission to reveal every single hidden booze cabinet in the building, and there are dozens.

But we made small talk along the way. She confided that she’d been pulling for McCain during the race. I said that didn’t surprise me since she was a Republican. She laughed bitterly and told me she hasn’t been a Republican for more than 20 years, ever since her “crazy-ass” in-laws got in the White House. She said she voted for Dukakis, Bill Clinton (twice), Al Gore and then John Kerry. She was emphatic about her votes for Gore and Kerry, telling me her “idiot” husband had no business within 300 miles of the White House.

I asked her why, if she felt that way, she voted for McCain this time. She said it was nothing to do with politics -- she just thought Cindy was better prepared for the First Lady role since she’d long ago developed a “pharmaceutical shell.” I replied that that was one way of looking at it. I didn’t know what else to say.

As Mrs. Bush showed me the several secret liquor cabinets in the presidential living quarters, she confided that all but one were installed by Pat Nixon, the remaining having been ordered by Betty Ford. All the while as she recounted this history, she was trying to shake a Scottish terrier off her ankle. The horny little beast was intent on humping her leg, and she finally dislodged it with a kick that sent one of her designer sling-backs sailing into a flower pot.

The little dog snarled and renewed its amorous assault until finally Mrs. Bush summoned a butler, who came in wearing elbow-length oven mitts and a catcher’s mask to corral the snapping beast. Mrs. Bush retrieved her missing shoe and stood precariously on one leg, holding onto a sofa as she tried to reposition it.

In her condition, she had trouble keeping her balance and nearly fell. I rushed over to steady her, and covered the awkwardness of the moment by asking if the now-removed terrier was the same dog that famously bit the Reuters reporter earlier in the week.

“I don’t know,” she slurred. “Those stupid lil’ fuckers all look the same to me. Some day I’m gonna stomp them into one obedient dog.”

With that, she buckled the shoe in place and took a long pull on her tumbler of Presidential Punch. Hoping to get off the topic of psychotic animals, I asked Mrs. Bush about the children’s living quarters. She said there were no liquor cabinets in there, “as far as I know.”

Mrs. Bush showed me the president’s study, which contained three television sets, hundreds of illustrated hunting and fishing magazines and many jars of pretzels. I asked if there were liquor cabinets there as well.

“No,” she replied contemptuously. “George can’t hold his liquor. If that oaf drinks so much as a can of O’Doul’s, next thing you know, he’ll strip off all his clothes and pound his chest while screaming at the portrait of his father. It’s embarrassing. But I make sure he never runs out of pretzels,” she said slyly.

With that, our tour was ended, and a servant appeared to show me to the Portico. I thanked Mrs. Bush for the tour as she refilled her glass and took a greedy sip.

“Good luck to you, honey,” she laughed, waving as the door shut.

I climbed into the limo, and Barack sat beside me. He looked kind of stunned. I’m sure I did too. We sat for a moment in silence, and then, simultaneously, we turned to each other and said, “Honey, you’ll never believe…”

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Got dogs?

2008-11-10T08:04:00.002-05:00

How can the GOP counter Obama's appeal to a country weary of war, economic crisis, incompetence and mindless ideological attacks? Here's Bill Kristol's brilliant solution:

And it wouldn’t hurt for Governors Sarah Palin, Mitch Daniels, Bobby Jindal and the other possible 2012 G.O.P. nominees to begin bringing some puppies home for their kids.

No, really. I've heard rumblings about Kristol's NYT contract not being renewed at the end of this year. This is the man who brought us Palin. He is indispensable to our cause. Perhaps a letter writing campaign to retain him is in order.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

Reason #1 why dogs are better pets than cats

2008-11-07T09:55:00.005-05:00

I must take issue with fellow Roastafarian Kevin K and assert that dogs are by far the superior pet to cats. I mean come on! Look at that face! As further evidence, I submit this internal dialogue that was widely circulated on the internets awhile back that so aptly captures the difference between the creatures' thought processes:

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DIARY:

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master’s bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:

Day 283 Of My Captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking -- almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. . . .

Senator Eeyore tries to save his plum appointments

2008-11-07T09:50:00.002-05:00

Fuck you, Joe.

Here's a site where you can sign a petition asking the Senate Democratic Steering and Outreach Committee to kick Lieberman to the curb. No one deserves it more.

Ode to Joy

2008-11-05T08:11:00.001-05:00

My voting story

2008-11-04T13:08:00.001-05:00

[Lifted wholesale from my comment at Rumproast]

I usually vote on election day because something about the communal civic exercise appeals to me. But all the stories about ridiculous wait times in Florida and the expected election day onslaught scared me into voting Saturday instead.

I voted at my nearest early voting polling place, a library out in the middle of nowhere that is surrounded by cow pastures and orange groves as far as the eye can see. I had to wait for a little over an hour. There were more African Americans waiting to vote than I would have thought existed within 20 miles of the place in this part of the sticks. There were also old people. Lots and lots of old people.

Unfortunately for me, the man immediately in front of me in line was a smelly, loud-mouthed, 50-something faux biker who dispensed highly original nuggets of wisdom like this throughout the wait: “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” (In reference to the ballot amendment to outlaw gay marriage, which is ALREADY FUCKING ILLEGAL IN FLORIDA!)

I pretended to read a newspaper so he would continue to direct his comments to the unfortunate pair of women in front of him and not try to engage me. In fact, I considered replying in sign language if he did speak to me since I didn’t think I could manage a civil conversation.

A woman in line behind me deliberately made eye contact and rolled her eyes during one of his oafish outbursts. We smiled at each other, relieved to find we weren’t the only ones annoyed by his brainless comments.

Mr. Cracker shuttled the offspring to school this morning and passed 2 polling places in our very small town. He reported lines out the door at both of them. I’ve never seen that happen here.

Prediction

2008-11-03T23:47:00.002-05:00

Obama wins tomorrow with 313 electoral votes to McCain's 225 and wins the popular vote with 51%.

Answers to stupid questions

2008-11-03T15:23:00.004-05:00

From the National Review Online's Corner Blog:

We're One Day Away from Changing America [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
Obama said that a few ago in Florida. Am I the only one who doesn't want to change America in any fundamental way? Does that make me crazy? And alone?

Answers: no, yes, and, regrettably, no. There are plenty of jingoistic, portly wingnut welfare cases who don't want to change a thing -- K-Lo's own Corner colleague Jonah Goldberg is but one example. So, while crazy, she's not alone.

These people are untroubled by economic policies that generated a Gilded Age-style distribution of wealth in this country. They don't give a shit about the more than 40 million uninsured. They don't care that the US engaged in torture, created gulags and squandered the international moral authority it took generations to acquire. They certainly don't give a crap about the tens of thousands of Iraqis killed for no good reason. They give a crap about the 4,000 Americans killed in Iraq only insofar as they can co-opt the war dead to further their political ends.

Nope, sadly, K-Lo is not alone. But it looks as though she and her ilk are in the minority by a narrow margin. And for that, the rest of us can be thankful. Speaking of Goldberg, he offers this nugget about undecided voters:

Glory Be to the Brave Undecideds [Jonah Goldberg]
Wow:

Sheen, of Lincoln, Nebraska, says his vote is coming down to one issue: abortion. Sheen says he's "definitely pro-life" and he's trying to decide whether Democrat Barack Obama or Republican John McCain is more in line with his views.

I've long suspected undecided voters were drooling idiots who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a voting booth. Especially in this election. Now Jonah offers evidence, and it's heartening that Goldberg and crew are hanging their hopes on this slim, moronic reed.

They should all die in fires...

2008-11-03T13:37:00.007-05:00

Goddamnit. Some days, I want to seek species reassignment services so I can finally wash my hands of the human race:

This woman, Shirley Nagel of Grosse Pointe Farms, Michigan, should be dragged through a dumpster filled with broken bottles, dipped into a vat of boiling sulfuric acid, rolled in a ginormous bed of fire ants and shot from a cannon into a toxic waste dump.

If she were my neighbor, I would construct a Poop Trebuchet and bombard her property with dog shit on a daily basis. What an unbelievably petty, mean, shrivel-souled bag of hate masquerading as a human being.

[Story and vid via Rumproast and If I Ran the Zoo]

But as horrible a person as Shirley Nagel undoubtedly is, she is a veritable sunbeam compared to these evil fucks:

An Islamist rebel administration in Somalia had a 13-year-old girl stoned to death for adultery after the child's father reported that three men had raped her.

Amnesty International said the al-Shabab militia, which controls the southern port city of Kismayo, arranged for a group of 50 men to stone Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow in front of a crowd of about 1,000 spectators. A lorryload of stones was brought to the stadium for the killing.

Amnesty said that Duhulow struggled with her captors and had to be forcibly carried into the stadium.

"At one point during the stoning, Amnesty International has been told by numerous eyewitnesses that nurses were instructed to check whether Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow was still alive when buried in the ground. They removed her from the ground, declared that she was, and she was replaced in the hole where she had been buried for the stoning to continue," the human rights group said.

"Inside the stadium, militia members opened fire when some of the witnesses to the killing attempted to save her life, and shot dead a boy who was a bystander."

Motherfuckers. One drawback to being a godless heathen is knowing there is no hell these monsters can rot in.

Attention Governor Palin

2008-10-31T15:33:00.003-04:00

The First Amendment of the US Constitution guarantees (within reason -- ask Liddy Dole) your right to utter sleazy lies and innuendos to try to paint your political opponent as an un-American pal o' terrorists. However, it does not shield you from criticism of same. Please note the difference.