Of all the frothy wingnuts on all the TVs on the planet, if anyone had asked me which would swan-dive off the deep end if a black dude with the middle name “Hussein” ever became president, my money would have been on Glenn Beck. Sure, there are lots of zany wingnut media figures out there, but Beck has always had this special, unhinged quality about him as well as the pin-wheeling, beady eyes of the true believer.
Looks like my bet is paying off. There’s growing evidence that Beck is nuttier than a squirrel turd and getting nuttier by the day. He started off long ago by converting to the Mormon Church as an adult. Sorry, but that’s fucking crazy. Then, he made this whiny-ass, stream of suicidal consciousness video in response to the agony of having a fucking hemorrhoid removed from his ass.
(An aside: What is it with these wingnut pantywaists who talk tough and then display the spine of a spongy orange Circus Peanut the minute the going gets rough? They’re all like, “Yeehaw, let’s go kill the mooslims!” to others and then conveniently forget to join the military themselves. They’re all “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!” and “No pain, no gain!” until they themselves face any hurt or inconvenience, and then they turn into puling toddlers. Give birth to a child and then come talk to me about pain, Hemorrhoid Boy...)
Anyway, now that he’s ensconced over at Fox News, Beck has a new project that has the loony leaking out of every orifice – the 9/12 Project:
I love the PATRIOT ACT-like contrivance of the “9 Principles” and “12 Virtues,” which just so happen to combine to evoke the date Beck tearfully wants us to relive on an endless Groundhog Day loop: 9/12/01. Wanting to stay in a state of fear, shock and grief forever and ever is itself a big old hunk of burning crazy, though not a significant departure from post-9/11 GOP strategy. But let’s examine the “9 Principles,” shall we?
9 Principles
1. America Is Good.
2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.
3. ….
Oh fuck it, that’s as far as I can go with this shit. Beck clearly has no idea what democracy means or what the value of the First Amendment is. He’s proposing a rebirth of the John Birch Society, and this is hardly a surprise considering the current world-historical economic and social turmoil, which always sends the fringe-types howling out of their bunkers, clutching their skulls against imaginary thought-rays. Only this time, we have a network that caters to this particularly brand of crazy. Stay tuned.
[Cross-posted at Rumproast]
OozeBeckistan
Jaws
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Flambéed? Fricasseed? Sautéed? As she finished her traditional dinner of Virginia Slims and chardonnay with a bile chaser, Ann Coulter contemplated how she’d prepare this tasty young McCain dumpling prior to consuming it whole. Coulter will likely have to unhinge her jaw as a python might to accommodate a tapir. At any rate, this should be interesting, so bust out the popcorn, folks…
[Cross-posted at Rumproast]
Asshole Universe
There are gigantic assholes among us -- individuals who are so horrid or crass that their assholery threatens to explode into a supernovasshole, emitting a burst of fucktardation that produces more wattage than the entire galaxy and radiates as much cretinism in a short interval than a normal group of people might in their entire lifetimes. Call this Group A, for “asshole.”
A corollary phenomenon occurs when individuals are so staggeringly lacking in self awareness that, although they may not consciously intend harm, their clueless, inept bumbling path through life leaves asshole shockwaves in their wake, enveloping innocent bystanders in an expanding shell of confusion and anger called a supernovasshole remnant. Call this Group B, for ‘brain dead.”
Group A
I was unfortunate enough to encounter representatives from both groups this week. A sad event occasioned my encounter with Group A: We lost a relative recently, a wonderful, brave person who was somewhat famous in her field. Because she was well-known, I suppose, her online obituary attracted the attention of a smattering of malevolent, brainless jackals with nothing better to do than use a stranger’s online death notice as a venue to display their bile and insanity.
In my heathen cosmology, the micro-dick fucktards who get off on that sort of vandalism may very well go unpunished, which is a downside to eschewing the whole “sinners in the hands of an angry god” thing. (The only part of religiosity I ever had any use for, truth be told.) But if I’m wrong and justice awaits these assholes, let them be dragged through broken glass, dipped into a sulfuric acid bath, stomped flat by a herd of rabid rhinos, rolled into a sphere, stuffed into a pestilent cannon and fired into the toxic waste dump of a leper colony. Call it karma.
Group B
Unbeknownst to me, I plopped down next to a representative from Group B while attending my 10-year-old daughter’s softball game last night. The B manifestation was in the form of another softball mom, and I innocently asked her how she was.
Terrible, she said, and launched into a detailed description of this hideous, highly contagious flu-like disease that has kept her alternately freezing and sweating, puking and suffering bouts of explosive diarrhea for the past two days. How awful, I replied, inching away down the bleacher. I’ve heard something is going around…
It is! she replied, and went on to describe how she’d been stricken within mere hours of encountering an ill co-worker and how she just couldn’t wait for the damn game to be over so she could go home and puke and shit and shiver not-sleep some more!
I excused myself and spent the rest of the game standing 50 feet away from the barely sentient phlegm fountain. Seething! The stupid fucking un-self-aware fuck! What the fuck was she thinking? It’s a goddamn little league softball game -- it’s not worth exposing countless people to your crappy fucking flu to attend!
Or in the unlikely event that the fate of the universe is bound up in a 5th grader’s participation in the game, well, couldn’t the woman keep her diseased fucking carcass in her car or at least at a respectable distance? Did the clueless fucking dolt have to sit her fucking germs down next to the rest of us?
Maybe I’m just imagining it, but I do feel a little woozy today. And by god, if I get sick, I’ll stay home until I recover fully. But when I do regain my health, I will march down to the softball field and give that idiot woman five in the snot locker. Call it flu rage.
[Cross-posted at Rumproast]
Limbaugh: Captain Wilderness
As we saw yesterday, RNC Chairman Michael Steele quailed before the Great and Powerful Gasbag, meekly offering a Maoist recantation before being shipped off to the reeducation camp. The pundits are discussing Rush’s grip on the GOP’s nads as if it were a new development -- as if Limbaugh filled a power vacuum created by McCain’s defeat at the polls this November.
It goes back a lot further than that. Limbaugh is the bully who shoved McCain rightward in this election cycle, thus destroying McCain’s only advantage: his so-called maverick cred. Every boneheaded choice McCain made after that -- alienating the once-love struck media, picking empty-headed troglodyte pin-up girl Palin to round out the ticket, etc. -- all of it was a direct consequence of McCain's ill-advised decision to suck up to the Limbaughs of his party. And it cost him the election.
Once upon a time (2002, to be exact), McCain had the balls to call Limbaugh out:
After comparing Mr. Limbaugh to a "circus clown," the Arizona Republican apologized. "I regret that statement," he told an interviewer on Fox News the other night, "because my office has been flooded with angry phone calls from circus clowns all over America. They resent that comparison, and so I would like to extend my apologies to Bozo, Chuckles and Krusty."Limbaugh declared war on McCain for this apostasy, relentlessly denigrating McCain’s conservative cred even after McCain secured the GOP nomination in 2008. And as he demonstrated after his short-lived courage in confronting the "agents of intolerance" of the religious right, McCain has always been about political expediency over principles, despite his undeserved reputation to the contrary. He quickly caved to the wingnuts.
The irony is, the McCain of 2000 might have been able to differentiate himself from Bush and have a shot in 2008. But Limbaugh made sure he went the other direction. As his bombastic rhetoric makes clear, Limbaugh believes McCain lost because he wasn’t rightwing enough. That view seems to have been internalized by the entire party, and it’s the exact opposite of reality.
Limbaugh probably does not have the pull he thinks he does in terms of actual numbers of listeners and ability to make them do his bidding. Operation Chaos was a flop in the final analysis. But the GOP leadership evidently believes Limbaugh wields great power, and that perception is just as good as reality at the moment. Until the GOP leadership is willing to stand up to Limbaugh, he’ll continue to lead them further into the wilderness. Long live Captain Wilderness!
[Cross-posted at Rumproast]
