Drug-Addled Douchebag Rush Limbaugh to Purchase St. Louis Rams?

I hate the St. Louis Rams with the white-hot heat of ten-thousand suns. I still despise them for benefitting from the blatantly bogus overturning of a completed pass during the 1999 playoff game vs. my Tampa Bay Bucs. (Think this is just partisan bitching? The NFL enacted the “Bert Emanuel rule" after that season to prevent future playoff contenders from being similarly boned.)

My loathing of the Rams grew as they went on to win the Super Bowl they backed into with a bad call, and my contempt expanded exponentially when their QB, Kurt Warner, slobberingly insisted during the post-game interview that Jesus Himself had personally engineered the Rams’ win:

Immediately after the Rams' victory at the Super Bowl, an interviewer began,
"Kurt, first things first--tell me about the final touchdown pass to Isaac."
Kurt responded, "Well, first things first, I've got to thank my Lord and Savior
up above--thank You, Jesus!"

I suppose Jesus arranged the bogus call during the playoffs too, the bastard. (But Satan would have his revenge in Super Bowl XXXVII, when the Bucs spanked the Raiders. As Kathy Griffin would say, “Suck it, Jesus!”

Anyway, I didn’t think it was possible to hate the Rams even more. Until I saw this. Heck, maybe it’s a good fit. The Rams' coaching staff is mostly white (though Brian Baker may want to spiff up his resume), and George Steinbrenner can finally relinquish the “biggest asshole in sports ownership” title.

Limbaugh’s motives are obvious – he’s still smarting from having to resign in disgrace after his racist remark about Donovan McNabb during his mercifully short-lived MNF tenure. This is a way to get the NFL to sit up and take notice. The corpulent gasbag craves attention like a drug.

And speaking of drugs, aren’t NFL locker rooms just littered with narcotics? They probably have Vicodin and OxyContin sitting around in candy dishes between the hot tubs and massage tables. Limbaugh heaven.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

We're number 1! We're number 1!

My old alma mater finally snagged the top spot:

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- The University of Florida can raise a glass to another national title -- best party school in the country.

The Gators, known for wild celebrations following national championships in football and basketball, wrested the party title away from West Virginia University and beat out the University of Mississippi and Penn State University, in the Princeton Review survey of 120,000 students released Monday.

The university has made the top 20 party school list for the past 15 years, but has never been No. 1.

Damn, I'm proud to be a Gator!

No, Glenn -- THIS is embarrassing...

CNN embarrassment Glenn Beck offers a column lamenting the "almost embarrassing" coverage of Obama's World Tour 2008. But what's really embarrassing is posting a YouTube video consisting of 7 minutes of whining about your botched ass surgery:



Thanks for setting the standard, Glenn.

Year of the Rat

What's the difference between hell and Orlando, Florida? It's not the heat. In July, it's every bit as hot in Orlando as in the lower level of Hades. But you can get a drink in Orlando. An over-priced, overly sweet drink without anything close to the proper bourbon-to-ice-cube ratio. But a cocktail nonetheless. In hell, not so much.

Also, the hotels in hell are probably not adorned with Spongebob Squarepants wallpaper. Maybe they are. But I don't think so. However, I think it is very likely that in hell, as at the Nickelodeon Hotel, patrons are accosted by an unfortunate teenager in a giant, bobbing, plastic Dora the Explorer head as they try to masticate the tough, horrendously expensive buffet prime rib. Only without the privilege of washing it all down with comforting swills of absurdly priced, syrupy bourbon.

I don't get out much, preferring a hermit's life in the Cracker Compound to mixing with my fellow Americans. And a long weekend in Rat City underscores the wisdom of that arrangement. Having hobnobbed with my fellow sun-broiled breeders and their sniveling, avaricious offspring for 68.5 hours in a commerce-despoiled swamp, I begin to think we actually do deserve the leadership of George W. Bush and perhaps John McCain as an encore. Christ in mouse-ears, I hope I'm wrong.

I did, and it sucked.

A harmonic convergence of the Paultards and Hilltards? A report from the recent Ron Paul rEVOLution rally thingie:

"...A few people passed out palm cards planning out a strategy to get their
man nominated at this year's GOP convention. On the front of the cards were
pictures of Abraham Lincoln, Benjamin Harrison and Warren Harding and the
question, "What do these men have in common?" On the back was the answer: They
had arrived at their conventions as dark horses and won their party's
presidential nominations anyway. "Abraham Lincoln had NO delegates," the card
pointed out—I decided against saying that, under those rules the GOP might as
well nominate Rudy Giuliani."

The latest PUMA sore loser scheme:

The Denver Group has been formed to insure that the Democratic National
Committee respect and carry out the democratic process at the convention in
Denver this August by meeting certain specific goals. We will be advocating, and
if neccessary pressuring, through purchased mass media as well other accepted
avenues, the Democratic National Committee to see to it that these goals and the
interests of tens of millions of Democratic voters are met.

Our goals are:

• An open convention.


• Senator Clinton's name placed in nomination.


• No symbolic roll call vote.


• Speeches allowed by supporters of Senator Clinton on behalf of her
  candidacy.


• A genuine roll call vote with Senator Clinton as a legitimate
  candidate.


• No coronation

Still, if I had to choose between being housed in hell with a group of Paultards or Hilltards, I'd choose the Paultards in a nano-second. They may be misguided. Their Dear Leader may have shadowy ties to racist fucks. They may be immature enough to mistake the sophomoric drivel produced by talentless hack Ayn Rand for great literature. But at least they're sincere. They have deep policy disagreements with McCain on the war, fiscal policy, etc.

Contrast that to the puling PUMA crybabies, who professed to support Clinton's policies, which are 98% in accordance with Obama's, but now want to subject us all to four more years of McSame in the political equivalent of a toddler tantrum meltdown. This guy has their number.

H/T to Mr. Sullivan for the Paultard pic.

Spin it to win it

John Cole makes an excellent point here -- if McCain were a normal candidate (i.e., one for whom the media didn't have mad bonerzz), he would have destroyed his chances this week with the series of bone-headed gaffes and accidental disclosures of unpopular policies. It doesn't take much to paint a candidate as clueless and unelectable -- remember the wingnuts heaping disdain on Kerry for windsurfing? (I never got that. Windsurfing is freaking hard! It's not for the effete.)

Well, just the clip below would have sunk most politicians; check out this embarrassing orgy of jowl-stroking and panicky mumbling:



It's a pretty simple goddamned question. He surely knows what Viagra and birth control are. Why does he need to consult staff to answer? Because he doesn't even know how he voted on the issue (against requiring insurance companies to cover birth control, as it turns out).

McCain took hits in the media last night because of Phil Gramm calling the US a "nation of whiners" and earlier because of his own "gaffe" (i.e., impolitic revelation of an unpopular policy position) on Social Security. But even though these are actual issues that affect hundreds of millions of Americans, I doubt they'll get half the play Jeremiah Wright and "Bittergate" got.

Okay, so we know what we've got to work with as far as the media goes -- they'll do their best to protect their mavericky, BBQ-dispensing hero. That's a given. But although the media have incredible power to shape the narrative and thus the outcome of elections, their power is not absolute. The candidate still has to be at least minimally competent as a politician. And McCain isn't.

Think back, painful though it might be, to George W. Bush vs. Al Gore in 2000. Remember the press spin prior to the debates? Why, Gore was a boring old policy wonk! He would wipe up the floor with Bush! And he did, as far as answers to questions went. But thanks to the media spin, the expectations were so incredibly low for Bush that all he really had to do was show up and not crap his pants on national TV, and it was considered a "win" or at least a case of over-performing against a stronger opponent.

McCain might crap his pants, metaphorically speaking, and there won't be much his fans in the press corp can do to rescue him. As loathsome as I personally found (and find) Bush, he at least comes across as likable. McCain doesn't. He sounds angry or confused or both.

If a debate exchange in any way relates to lady parts or can be remotely construed as an implication that McCain isn't the world's foremost authority on the military, national security or veterans' affairs, McCain is liable to fall into a jowl-tugging stupor or explode like a Mentos-packed bottle of Diet Coke.

Bottom line? McCain is the shittiest candidate I've seen in my lifetime, at least as it relates to basic politicking. And that, my friends, is why this country might finally elect the best man for the job. It won't happen if it's up to the press spin. But for once, the GOP might have finally nominated someone too dumb and/or incompetent to handle the softballs. After 8 years of George W. Bush, who'da thunk it?

Obama's pet problem

The Associated Press has been at the forefront of covering political angles of importance to all Americans this election season, and this shocking story is no exception:

In poll of pet owners, McCain tops Obama

Pet owners find McCain with his house full of animals more appealing than the petless Obama...

From George Washington's foxhounds Drunkard and Tipsy to George W. Bush's terriers Barney and Miss Beazley, pets are a longtime presidential tradition for which the presumed Republican nominee seems well prepared, with more than a dozen.

Democratic candidate Barack Obama, on the other hand, doesn't have a pet, though he has promised his daughters a dog after the election, win or lose.

"From an image standpoint, nothing humanizes a candidate more than seeing him lovingly dote on his pet or toss a ball around on the White House lawn," says American Kennel Club spokeswoman Lisa Peterson.

An AP-Yahoo News poll found that pet owners favor McCain over Obama 42 percent to 37 percent, with dog owners particularly in McCain's corner.

"I think a person who owns a pet is a more compassionate person -- caring, giving, trustworthy. I like pet owners," said Janet Taylor of Plymouth, Mass.

Ms. Taylor is right. After all, Nixon famously had a little dog named "Checkers," and no president displayed the qualities of caring, giving and trustworthiness better than Mr. Nixon.

And now we learn that George Washington had dogs named "Drunkard" and "Tipsy"? That's a lot more indicative of the character of the man than that bogus cherry tree story. My vast respect for Mr. Washington has increased a pint or two.

As for George the Lesser, who can forget this heart-worming scene with his little dog:



I think we can all relate to the luckless little critter as it tries to scuttle away but is unable to escape the brute. A fitting symbol of the last 8 years.

And McCain has more than a dozen animals. Wow. I have two dogs, and they seem to fill up the house. But then again, I only have one house. The McCains have between seven and nine -- they can't remember exactly how many (or which houses they've paid taxes on).

Maybe the AP can get to the bottom of that question rather than hassling bloggers and featuring puff pieces on McCain's Iranian death jokes and how his wife's bony finger lovingly keeps him in line. The McCain accounting team would thank them for it.

Holding McCain accuntable

Did McCain call his wife a cunt in front of several reporters? The story persists, but no reporters will so say on the record. This video reveals how this story may have been suppressed: [Via Potpourri for $500]



A brave citizen tries to get to the bottom of the controversy...



...but is rebuffed. So is it true? Like the number of licks it takes to reach a Tootsie Pop center, the world may never know.

Dumber and dumbest

K-Lo has a crazy idea:

A totally crazy Saturday-morning thought: Wouldn’t George W. Bush make an
awesome high-school government teacher? Wouldn’t it be something if his
post-presidential life would up being that kind of post-service service? How’s
that for a model? Who needs Harvard visiting chairs and high-end lectures? How
about Crawford High? (Or wherever?) Reach out and touch the young before they
are jaded, or break them of the cynicism pop culture and possibly their parents
have passed down to them. Whatever you think of President Bush, he’s a likable
guy in love with his country with some history and experience to share.

Like I said, crazy. Saturday. Have a good one.

Here are a few other zany thoughts on classroom topics and instructors for Crawford High (or wherever):

Running a Day Care Operation—Michael Jackson
Piloting Oil Tankers through Prince William Sound—Capt. J. Hazelwood
Preventing Domestic Violence—O.J. Simpson

Fucking moron.

[Cross-posted at Rumproast]

McKaboom!

As I mentioned over at Rumproast yesterday and have mentioned here a time or two, McCain has an anger problem. But he's got an even bigger hypocrisy problem. David Wright of ABC News reports this incident from the McCain campaign plane:

McCain became visibly angry when I asked him to explain how his Vietnam
experience prepared him for the Presidency.

"Please," he said, recoiling back in his seat in distaste at the very question.

But he didn't recoil in distaste when his own campaign trotted out the the vile Swift Boat liars to once again impugn John Kerry's war record and to question Wes Clark's wartime leadership in response to Clark's non-attack on McCain's service. Enter the ever-present knob-polishers:

McCain allies [sic] Sen. Lindsey Graham stepped in to rescue him. Graham expressed admiration for McCain’s stance on the treatment of detainees in US
custody.

"That to me is a classic example of how his military experience helped him shape public policy in a way no other senator could have done,’’ Graham said. Sen. Joseph Lieberman, also traveling on the trip, expressed admiration for McCain’s wartime service as well.

I suppose they mean the anti-torture stance McCain repudiated the second it became a liability with the base. More from Wright:

McCain then collected himself and apologized for his initial reaction.

"I kind of reacted the way I did because I have a reluctance to talk about my experiences," he said, noting that he has huge admiration for the "heroes" who served with him in the POW camp and said the experience taught him to love the U.S. because he missed it so much.

"I am always reluctant to talk about these things," McCain said.

Always reluctant to talk about these things?!? What a flaming load of horseshit! I haven't calculated an exact percentage of McCain campaign videos that incorporate footage of his POW days, but I would guess it's in the neighborhood of 95%. He brings it up in conversation more frequently than John Edwards used to invoke his "son of a millworker" credentials. reluctant to talk about it my ass.

McCain hopes that the media will help him conflate meritorious military service 40 years in the past with foreign policy and executive experience today, even if he doesn't know a Shiite from a Sunni or Sudan from Somalia. So far, the media have done a marvelous job of abetting him in this effort.

Clark knows it's a load of horseshit, which is why McCain wants Obama to "cut him loose" -- and apologize on bended knee for the temerity of having a supporter who would dare question McCain's notions of his own omnipotence. I hope the McCain campaign keeps it up. It's making them look like the whiny, thin-skinned, entitled assholes they are.