Contrary to popular belief, we do have seasons in Florida: hurricane season and not hurricane season. I'm told the red-breasted robin is a harbinger of spring in other locales, which is lovely. But for some reason, the little bastards decided to descend on the Cracker Compound en masse this morning and shit all over my car.
A shitstorm of robins
Grumpier old men
Ancient fart George Herbert Walker Bush endorsed merely old fart John McCain for president yesterday, calling wingnut attacks on McCain's record as a conservative "absurd" and "grossly unfair." Bush added, "No one is better to lead our nation in these trying times than Senator John McCain."
So far as we know, Bush the Elder didn't break down in sobs as he occasionally does when forced to contemplate "these trying times," i.e., the sorry mess wrought by his idiot son. It's difficult to imagine how former preznit "Read My Lips" Bush's endorsement will assist McCain in bringing the far right into his camp.
After all, they despise Bush père, a former Navy pilot whose plane was brought down by enemy fire in WWII, as much as they hate the famously shot-down-and-imprisoned McCain. Today's wingnuts prefer the faux-flightsuited farcial stylings of Bush the Younger, who, while being an AWOL drunk during McJowl's imprisonment, at least talks tough and could never be mistaken for a Frenchman.
Farewell, el Jefe
Speaking of foreign old farts, Fidel Castro is stepping down as president of Cuba. It remains to be seen whether city officials in Miami will enact their civil chaos plan, which entails crossing out the word "hurricane" and replacing it with "the demise of the dictator Fidel."
Really, a resignation simply won't do at this point. There are legions in Little Havana who have been clinging to life by gnarled old fingernails since 19-fucking-59, just waiting for Castro to finally kick the bucket. And now he quits?
The 81-year-old Fidel is ceding power to his relatively youthful 76-year-old brother Raul, who plans to continuing thumbing his nose at US presidents and is looking forward to locking horns with 72-year-old whippersnapper John McCain should he win the upcoming election.
Fidel, meanwhile, promises in a 12,578-word resignation note to continue delivering long-winded screeds to an eager public. The resignation "letter" closes with this promise: "This is not my farewell to you. My only wish is to fight as a soldier in the battle of ideas. I shall continue to write under the heading of 'Reflections by comrade Fidel.' It will be just another weapon you can count on. Perhaps my voice will be heard. I shall be careful."
Preznit Dubyahoo commented that Fidel's departure from the official scene should "end staged elections." That's a bit rich coming from a guy who assumed office after a Supreme Court stocked by his own daddy handed him the presidency over the popular vote winner. But we can rest assured Bush II will continue to ingratiate his party to the dwindling bloc of Cuban exile voters by opposing "brutal dictator" Fidel.
And Exxon Mobile can rest easy knowing he'll continue to kiss the ass of the Saudis, who only oppress women after all, and continue to export oil and terrorists.
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...
Why is life worth living? TS at the endlessly amusing Instaputz wants to know. In no particular order, here's my top 10:
1. Football. Yeah, I know it's a corrupt and brutal sport often played by brainless thugs. I know it causes cities to be shaken down on behalf of plutocrats, and it undermines the higher mission of universities. But I love it so. It's a little embarrassing to admit this, but the 2 times the Gators won the NCAA championship and the Bucs' 2002 Super Bowl victory rank right up there with my wedding day and the birth of my only child as the happiest days of my life.
2. Water. Spring-fed rivers. The Gulf of Mexico. Tropical downpours. A splash of branch water in my bourbon. I once went camping in the Four Corners region (where AZ, NM, CO and UT meet), and aside from molting the entire time like a goddamned lizard due to the unbearable aridity, I was afflicted with a nagging sense of claustrophobia that I couldn't figure out, given the wide open vistas. When I got home to the welcoming humidity, when I experienced the sensation of a raisin restored to grapehood, I realized the closed-in feeling was due to being landlocked. Never again.
3. Eccentric old ladies. I aspire to become one and have an excellent role model in Granny Cracker. A similar but more widely-known eccentric old lady was Jane Wood Reno, mother of former Attorney General Janet Reno. She was a hard-drinking, pipe-smoking Miami reporter. She personally built her family's home, which stood solid as Hurricane Andrew blew away the cookie-cutter subdivision houses around it 40 years later. She was described in her obituary as an "honorary Indian princess, prize-winning journalist, gator wrestler, peacock raiser, certified genius, carpenter [and] skunk trapper."
4. Ignatious J. Reilly. The central character in John Kennedy Toole's A Confederacy of Dunces, Reilly ascribes his inability to hold a job as a consequence of employers' sensing in him "a rejection of their values."
5. Food. Cooking it, eating it -- even shopping for it. BBQ ribs. Panang curry. Filé gumbo. Fried fish and hushpuppies. Corned beef and mustard on rye bread. Mojo roast pork. Bacon-tomato sandwiches (lettuce is a distraction). Brownies. Pizza.
6. Large dogs. Animals in general are lovely, and small dogs and cats have their place too. But I like big dogs, dogs of substance, the kind you can wrestle around with, the types that do not easily fit into purses. The elderly boxer pictured at left has been a faithful (if slobbery) companion for 10 years.
7. Everett Ulysses McGill. "Pete, the personal rancor reflected in that remark I don't intend to dignify with comment. But I would like to address your general attitude of hopeless negativism. Consider the lilies of the goddamn field or... hell! Take at look at Delmar here as your paradigm of hope."
8.
Love. The love of a good man (the estimable Mr. Cracker), a child (young Miss Cracker) and friends and family.9. Halloween. Candy, jack-o-lanterns and scaring the bejesus out of trick-or-treaters -- fun, fun, fun!
10. Beauty. The austere beauty of a salt marsh. The grandiose structure of a thunderhead. Beethoven's 9th Symphony. Truth. As Mr. Keats put it, "Beauty is truth, truth beauty — that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."
Now, I am supposed to tag two others? I pick Sinfonian and Mithras.
Anti-Science Dumbasses
Is John Stemberger the biggest asshole in the state of Florida? I don't know. There's some stiff competition for that title. I mean, George Steinbrenner lives here. So do Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. But Stemberger sure is giving those braying jackasses a run for their money.
For those unfamiliar with Stemberger's prickery, he's the wingnut tool who organized a campaign to deface the Florida constitution with anti-gay graffiti via ballot initiative. It will probably pass. Hell, half this state would vote to resegregate the schools if they could; they'll enthusiastically express their homo hatred at the ballot box this November, probably sticking around to vote for McJowls too, which is exactly Stemberger's strategy.
But Stemberger's exceptional douchebaggery doesn't end there. Nope, in addition to oppressing Florida gays and any other unmarried couples, Stemberger wants to make our substandard public schools even worse by stopping a long-over due update to the science curriculum because it "teaches evolution as fact."
"If science is anything, it must be a search for the reality of the physical world we live in," said John Stemberger, President and General Counsel of the Florida Family Policy Council. "We think kids should learn about evolution, but they should learn it is a theory with evidences of both strengths and weakneses [sic]."Unsurprisingly, Stemberger fails to grasp the difference between a scientific theory like evolution and a mere personal conjecture, such as my theory that Stemberger is an anti-science homophobic loon due to his extraordinarily small penis.
Stemberger doesn't elaborate on the supposed evidence against evolution (though one suspects it's something to do with Jesus Horses). But at any rate, Stemberger has enthusiastic support from at least one yahoo: Tampa Tribune reader Esther R., who notes the following in the paper's political blog:
I don’t agree with them teaching this as a fact. This is a scientific “theory.” I don’t want my son being taught something that I don’t agree with. If they took the Bible and prayer out of the schools, why are they going to allow this teaching. This is going to open a door of confusion to our children who are being taught otherwise. If a child is living in a home with high Christian and Biblical standards, this will bring up a lot of questions. I don’t agree with it and I will definitely if given the opportunity, vote against it.Jesus H. Christ in a bacteria culture! Because of drooling idiots like Esther R. and Stemberger and the stupefying nonsense they spew, I'm required to tutor my 4th grader in the basic principles of science because her teachers are scared shitless to utter the "e" word. And that pisses me off.
Believe me, I'd much prefer to devote my scarce free time to indolence and alcohol-soaked fishing expeditions than science lessons. But thanks to these god-bothering morons, I can't. Motherfuckers. Home school your own ignorant brats and kindly leave the rest of us out of your psychotic fantasy world, mkay?
Pssst, Ortega! Put a sock in it!
This kind of thing is not at all helpful:
President Daniel Ortega, who led the 1979 revolution in Nicaragua, says
Barack Obama's presidential bid is a "revolutionary" phenomenon in the United
States.
"It's not to say that there is already a revolution under way in the
U.S. ... but yes, they are laying the foundations for a revolutionary change,"
the Sandinista leader said Wednesday night as he accepted an honorary doctorate
from an engineering university.
Ortega led a Soviet-backed government that battled U.S.-supported
Contra rebels before he lost power in a 1990 election. He returned to office
last year via the ballot box.
In statements broadcast on Sandinista Radio La Primerisima, Ortega said
he has "faith in God and in the North American people, and above all in the
youth, that the moment of great change in the U.S. will come and it will act
differently, with justice and equality toward all nations."
The McCain campaign will be on this like a hobo on a ham sandwich the moment they wake up from their naps and get a grandchild to bring up the Drudge Report.
Obama is a camo liberal. If you're smart enough to take an objective look at his record and history as a community organizer, you get it. But if you're someone who was gullable enough to fall for Ronald Reagan even though you ostentatiously call yourself a Democrat, if the only thing that matters to you is that you prospered during the Internet bubble over which Bill Clinton presided, you might not see it.
Obama's strategy has been highly effective so far, pulling in disaffected GOP-leaning independents who aren't particularly enthused about McCain's promises to continue the failed Bush agenda. I would also argue that the frothing opposition by so-called Democrats who have already demonstrated their inability to accurate judge a candidate's intent is a good sign that the cover is working.
But this Ortega statement? Not very helpful unless it ropes in a sufficient number of Hispanic voters to offset its PR value to the GOP, which I doubt. Clam up, Danny.
An Open Letter to Dennis O'Neill of Power & Motoryacht
Dear Mr. O'Neill:
Like most Americans, especially those who operate their own businesses, I live in terror of an IRS audit. So imagine the tide of dismay that stopped me in my tracks and set my heart to racing on the way back from the mailbox awhile ago when I spied this envelope hiding amongst the junk mail:
"OFFICIAL BUSINESS," it says, officiously, under an official-looking seal. "IMPORTANT: AUDIT MATERIALS ENCLOSED," it warns ominously. Holy shit!
Now, imagine my anger and relief when I ripped the envelope open with trembling hands only to discover it was you, Mr. O'Neill, with some lame sales pitch to get me to subscribe to Power & Motoryacht magazine. For fuck's sake!
I am not completely unaware of basic marketing principles, Mr. O'Neill. I understand the importance of getting your prospect's attention. Your letter certainly accomplished that.
However, a corollary marketing axiom holds that you should never do anything to make a potential subscriber want to throw a couple of tanks of gas in the back of her pickup, grab her trusty Zippo and drive to Palm Coast to burn your goddamned building down for scaring her half to fucking death. Is that good for customer relations Mr. O'Neill? Well, is it?
My little fishing boat hardly qualifies as a "motoryacht," but even if I were cruising around the Caribbean in the goddamned Queen Mary, you can be sure I wouldn't subscribe to your magazine -- not even to shred the pages to use to wipe my ass.
Sincerely,
Betty Cracker
Hopemonger vs. Fearmonger
"Yes we can"
"We dare not"
The contrasts are telling: the young, diverse, enthusiastic crowd cheering on Obama vs. grim-faced old farts giving up polite golf-claps for McCain. The speeches themselves are a study in contrast too:
Obama:
When I am the nominee, I will offer a clear choice. John McCain won’t be able to say that I ever supported this war in Iraq, because I opposed it from the beginning. Senator McCain said the other day that we might be mired for a hundred years in Iraq, which is reason enough to not give him four years in the White House.
If we had chosen a different path, the right path, we could have finished the job in Afghanistan, and put more resources into the fight against bin Laden; and instead of spending hundreds of billions of dollars in Baghdad, we could have put that money into our schools and hospitals, our road and bridges – and that’s what the American people need us to do right now.
And I admired Senator McCain when he stood up and said that it offended his “conscience” to support the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy in a time of war; that he couldn’t support a tax cut where “so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate.” But somewhere along the road to the Republican nomination, the Straight Talk Express lost its wheels, because now he’s all for them.
Well I’m not. We can’t keep spending money that we don’t have in a war that we shouldn’t have fought. We can’t keep mortgaging our children’s future on a mountain of debt. We can’t keep driving a wider and wider gap between the few who are rich and the rest who struggle to keep pace. It’s time to turn the page.
McCain:
Hope, my friends, is a powerful thing. I can attest to that better than many, for I have seen men's hopes tested in hard and cruel ways that few will ever experience. And I stood astonished at the resilience of their hope in the darkest of hours because it did not reside in an exaggerated belief in their individual strength, but in the support of their comrades, and their faith in their country. My hope for our country resides in my faith in the American character, the character which proudly defends the right to think and do for ourselves, but perceives self-interest in accord with a kinship of ideals, which, when called upon, Americans will defend with their very lives.
To encourage a country with only rhetoric rather than sound and proven ideas that trust in the strength and courage of free people is not a promise of hope. It is a platitude.
Sound and proven ideas like a continuation of Bush's fiscal and foreign policies? No thanks. Time to turn the page.
George Bush understands civil liberties. A lot.
Shorter Dubyahoo: It's legal if I say so. But even if he doesn't fully comprehend his role as The Decider vis-a-vis the U.S. Constitution, I give Bush credit for understanding the role of a "journalist" vis-a-vis The Decider better than Chris Wallace does:
"Are you ever puzzled by all of the concern in this country about protecting of
rights of people who want to kill us?"
What a stellar piece of reportage! Kee-rist, what a loathsome tool...
Does anybody give a rat's ass now?
About John Edwards' endorsement, I mean?An Edwards aide confirms to me that John Edwards met privately with Hillary
on Thursday to discuss the possibility of making an endorsement, and will meet
with Obama tomorrow... The Edwards aide gave me a bunch more detail, including this: "There's a greater than 50% chance he will endorse." He also said that he's been talking to both on and off for some time, including since he dropped
out.
The Edwards aide, who played a key campaign role, confirms that in his private discussion with Hillary, the former North Carolina Senator talked to her about similar concerns he raised with both candidates just before leaving the race. The aide says he talked about "who's going to carry on the mantle of fighting for the voiceless," and is trying to gauge which of the two "will sign their name in blood in order to make that commitment." A second source familiar with the meeting confirmed that it took place.
The Edwards aide cautioned against reading too much into the meetings, saying that he'd been talking to both of them before. "He's torn," the aide said "He has reservations about Hillary, which are pretty apparent."
On Obama, the aide says, Edwards worries "whether he's tough enough to be President of the United States. If you look at what Edwards ran on, which is not negotiating with the special interests, taking away their power, that's pretty different than the Obama model."
The Edwards aide added that Obama's lack of a health care plan with a "mandate" is a "tough hurdle for him to get over." He added, however, that Edwards is much more in line with Obama on other issues.
Meh, whatever. Edwards' supporters, though few, were a pretty devoted lot. However, it seems to me he squandered any chance he had to materially affect the outcome of the race when he failed to endorse anyone before Super Tuesday. Quite likely his supporters have moved on to choose one of the two remaining candidates already.
Edwards is hardly in a position to require blood oaths at this stage of the game. And it's pretty rich for him to question Obama's toughness; Obama was organizing the poor in the scary part of Chicago when Edwards was chasing ambulances for mega profit in Raleigh. If I were Obama, I'd let Hillary have him.
Selling crazy at CPAC, an oMITTuary, plus Shuster Booster
The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), a gaggle of whackjobs that might be more appropriately called the Crazy Pious Asshole Cabal, is holding its annual meeting. Earlier this week, John McCain was required to complete his craven surrender to the nutbags who control the GOP, a process that started when he snuggled up to George W. Bush after the knee-capping the latter inflicted on McCain in South Carolina in 2000. A journey that continued when he made a pilgrimage to Jerry Falwell's "university" to kiss that old hypocrite's ass before Falwell mercifully keeled over.
McCain promised to press an agenda that would please to most extremist elements in his extremist party -- continuing the Iraq war for 100 years, renewal of tax breaks for millionaires, redoubled efforts to oppress gays, etc. But that didn't stop the assembled howling jackals from booing him roundly. May their emnity continue and depress Republican turn-out in November.
A political oMITTuary
By special request, a word about the exit, stage right, of the endlessly pliable, Gumby-like Mr. Romney. Like a hapless Irish Setter strapped to the roof of a speeding stationwagon, poor Mitt's campaign took a runny dump almost immediately out of the yard, despite relentless fluffery by various talk show hosts and right-wing rags such as the National Review.
But having sunk tens of millions of his personal fortune into the campaign, you can bet financially savvy Mitt is still thinking ROI, which explains both the timing of his exit and the wording of the speech that announced it:I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues, as you know. But I
There you have it; a vote for a Democrat is a vote for a surrender to terror. Notice he had scant praise for McCain. What Romney is doing is setting the stage for a come-back in 2012. He envisions a triumphant return such as that staged by Ronald Reagan after he lost the 1976 nomination fight. We haven't seen the last of Mitt.
agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding
and executing Osama bin Laden, and on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror. If I
fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the
launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or
Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a
part of aiding a surrender to terror.
Wrathful God smites dozens, spares Huckabee yard sign
Today it was the Huckster's turn to address the CPAC crowd, and he was selling a brand of batshit crazy that the gathering ate up like a herd of two-headed hogs. He told an anecdote about a letter he received from a supporter in twister-ravaged Tennessee.
The woman who wrote told Huck that her her town had been heavily damaged and her own home destroyed, but her Huckabee for Preznit yard sign had been...untouched! Not a speck of dirt on it! It wasn't even so much as leaning over! Both the woman and Huck -- and the cheering CPAC crowd -- took this as a sign.
Neither the Huckster nor his supporter elaborated on what it was a sign of, but the only rational conclusion is that God cares more about political signs than the dozens of people killed or the Baptist college His Holy Tornado reduced to rubble. God continues to move in mysterious ways, apparently.
The re-education of Shuster
MSNBC's David Shuster is usually one of the less odious political commentators. In fact, when he fills in for the unbearably smug Tucker Carlson, Mr. Cracker and I send up a cheer at Tucker's absence and look forward to a program that will contain less bias and douchebaggery.
However, Shu stepped in it earlier this week in an on-air segment with radio talk show host Bill Press. He was discussing the Clintons' efforts to shield Chelsea Clinton from publicity during Bill Clinton's presidency and her current refusal to speak to the media while simultaneously working the phones to rope superdelegates into the Clinton camp:
"Doesn't it seem like Chelsea's sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of
way? I will give Chelsea Clinton a break when she sits down and gives an
interview to somebody like ... Bob Franken, because if she ... wants to do all
this stuff, then she should face the questions, right?"
Well, "pimped" was unquestionably a poor word choice, particularly in the context of the horrendously misogynistic early coverage of Senator Clinton's campaign. However, anyone who assumes that the slangy use of "pimped" automatically disparages women hasn't seen MTV's hit show, Pimp My Ride. Or didn't hear Keith Olbermann slam George Bush for "pimping General Petraeus" to support the surge.
Last night, Shuster was trotted out during the first 30 seconds of the Tucker show in a bizarrely Orwellian ritual, a forced apology complete with requisite compliments for the Clintons. He's been suspended from NBC.
I'm all for getting rid of sexist bullshit coverage, but some of the outrage about L'Affaire Shuster just seems creepy and self-serving. Not as creepy as CPAC, but too close for comfort. Get over it, already.
Banana Republic
What do you call a country that pretends to have fair and free elections but is actually ruled by a small coterie of elites? If the so-called "superdelegates" of the Democratic Party decide to disregard the popular vote and nominate the candidate of their choice, you might call that country the United States of America.
Who are these people?
The superdelegates are party big shots who now hold or have held elected office as Democrats. Bill Clinton is one. So is Jimmy Carter. So are Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman was one until he got kicked out for endorsing McCain. They are party insiders.
You may have thought you were electing a Democratic nominee when you voted. You probably thought the Democratic delegates in your state were bound to nominate the candidates the voters in your state chose by the rules agreed upon in advance. But actually, your vote only carries a fraction of the weight of a superdelegate's vote: 0.000007% of the voting population has 19.6% voting power in the 2008 Democratic primary thanks to the superdelegate system.
A shot across the bow
In an extraordinarily close election like this one, it may actually come down to the superdelegates at the Democratic convention. They literally have the power to disregard the will of the people as expressed in the popular vote and install a nominee of their choice. Does anyone doubt a delegate bloc of party insiders would favor Senator Clinton?
Obama doesn't doubt it, which is why he put his fellow superdelegates on notice a couple of days ago:
"If this contest comes down to superdelegates, we are going to be able to say we
have more pledged delegates, which means the Democratic voters have spoken.
Those superdelegates, those party insiders would have to think long and hard how
they would approach the nomination."
DNC chairman Howard Dean knows such a scenario would be a nightmare, which is why he plans to sit the candidates down prior to the convention and hammer out a deal:
"The idea that we can afford to have a big fight at the convention and then win
the race in the next eight weeks, I think, is not a good scenario. Because I don't think we can afford to have a brokered convention. That would not be good
news for either party."
Actually, it would be very good news for the Republican party. A divided, pissed off Democratic electorate would practically ensure a President McCain, who vows to continue pouring billions down the Iraq rat hole and nominate a series of Samuel Alitos to the Supreme Court. What could Dean say to head off such a scenario if only a whisker separates the two candidates prior to the convention? Let's hope he has preternatural powers of persuasion he has not yet demonstrated.
Big changes needed
No matter how the current nomination process plays out, it's past time to take another look at how the process works. I'm not holding my breath, though. If the patently unfair results of the 2000 election didn't spur a sufficient groundswell of support to reform or abolish the Electoral College system in the general election, would an outrage like a superdelegate supertheft of a Democratic nomination spot would prompt reform of a party selection process?
Well, maybe. Losing has a way of focusing the mind. George Bush swept into power on the strength of a fraudulent system, so he had zero incentive to reform it. Win or lose, I hope the Democrats are better than that.
They see dead people
If you've watched 10 seconds of a GOP candidate's campaign commercial or debate this year, you know the Republican hopefuls are locked in a furious tussle over the Reagan legacy. Unlike the current Republican president, Reagan hasn't lost any of his sunny, optimistic appeal. Even though he's, you know, dead.
And the deceased Gipper has this distinct and related advantage over Bush: As a dead guy, it's unlikely he'll fuck up in some embarrassing way during the campaign. So it's all Reagan all the time for the GOP pack. But according to one horrified wingnut, McCain is about to take it a step too far:
Tomorrow, both McCain and Romney will address the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, DC. (Huckabee will appear on Saturday
morning). The speech McCain will give could be the best opportunity McCain will
have to reach out to conservatives and bring them into the fold before the
September 1-4 Minneapolis Republican convention.
One source told me last night that McCain is planning an all-out push
at CPAC. At 3 pm tomorrow, McCain is scheduled to address the crowd expected to number over 6,000 activists. And McCain plans a very special introduction.
According to my source, McCain has prepared a video featuring President
Ronald Reagan to make the introduction. If McCain uses this video, it is very
likely to backfire badly... Very few of the 2008 CPAC crowd will see McCain as
the successor to Reagan and Reagan’s principles. McCain has sacrificed
conservatives’ fundamental beliefs throughout his Senate career. If McCain uses
this introduction, the boos will be very loud. "
Remember, this is the crowd that yucked it up last year when Ann Coulter called John Edwards a "faggot." That might lead you to believe the bounds of good taste are somewhat loosely defined at that gathering, but apparently resurrecting the mouldering corpse of Reagan to conduct a candidate introduction is going too far. Go figger.
Super Stalemate!
What a dizzying array of conflicting results on so-called Super Tuesday! Time to restock the liquor cabinet, because this thing isn't over on either side...
Dropping a Huckabomb on Romney
They say McCain is still the front-runner, but he can't close the deal with the base. Neither can Romney. And the GOP base isn't large enough to make Huckabee the nominee.
Why can't bloviators like Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Hugh Hewitt, etc., propel their chosen candidate, Romney, to victory? Is it the Mormon thing in the South? It's true that tracts describing the evils of Mormonism are standard issue at many evangelical churches. The special undies and 27-great-grandmas thing might be a factor.
But perhaps there's more to it -- a smaller but still influential bloc adding to Huckabee's serpent-handler votes to win the South for him. I speak, of course, of the Wookie vote and the palpable excitement in that community at the prospect of one of their own in the White House as First Wookie-Lady:
Wookies and snake-jugglers are less of a factor away from Dixie, so expect a Huckafade. Will McCain be able to cinch the nomination in the next round? My Magic 8-Ball said, "Reply hazy, try again." So I did. Then it said, "Signs point to yes, but McCain is an asshole. Ask again later."
I think what 8-Ball is trying to point out in his inscrutable fashion is this: McCain's votes are coming from GOP voters who aren't assholes, i.e., those who don't want to make oppressing gays, heaping piles of tax money on the rich, obstructing scientific research and rounding up illegal immigrants the central planks in the GOP platform. It's people who buy into the "McCain is a maverick" crapola who are driving his success.
However, those who have been paying attention know that McCain isn't really a maverick -- he's demonstrated that he'll gladly jettison any principle and utter any patently false smear to get his wizened old paws on the White House. The longer this race drags on, the more the less attentive voters will discover this truth.
And the longer the race drags on, the more McCain will be tempted to overreach -- like his absurd attack on Romney yesterday, in which he demanded an apology for Romney's comments about fellow "genuine American war hero" Bob Dole. All Romney was doing was pointing out that the last time the GOP nominated a cranky old fart, they flamed out in the general election. But McCain took the opportunity to play the bully and scold, roles he slips into with unsettling ease. I wouldn't count out the asshole factor, but it looks like McCain will win by default.
Donkey Kong
So what of the Dems? California was a King Kong-sized victory for Clinton, but Obama is still in the hunt. The most interesting breakdown for me is that Obama seems stongest in states that are lily-white and in states with large African American populations. But in more diverse states, not so much. I confess I just don't get that.
Obama closed a huge support deficit in earlier polling to challenge Clinton in many states, which seems to suggest he's on the rise. Is it Edwards' former supporters? Data is not the plural of anecdote, but the Edwards supporters I've run across seem pretty venomous toward both Obama and Clinton, many choosing a Naderite protest vote for Edwards even after he announced his withdrawal.
I believe they'll get over it by the general and support whomever the Dems nominate, but I don't think they'll help Obama or Clinton in the interim. Even if St. John of Raleigh endorses Obama, an event I prematurely predicted that is looking less likely (and less useful if it does actually occur) every day, I don't think it would make a difference. The remarkably prescient Al Giordano hints that Gore will endorse Obama. Would that help? I don't know.
Disenfranchise this!
Howard Dean was on Hardball last night, and Chris Matthews was brow-beating him to reveal the plans for the disenfranchised Michigan (174) and Florida (210) delegates should the nomination fight go all the way to the convention. Howie wasn't spilling. He claims it would be up to some obscure rules committee to make that call. Mmmmhmmm.
What a gigantic clusterfuck that would be -- to once again have a critical election turn on a shady Florida vote, this time with Michigan thrown into the bargain. Clinton told us Florida voters that she will make sure our voices are heard. Well, she won the state in which no one campaigned, so she would say that.
But this Florida voter says, if you really want to hear our voices, have a real campaign here, one in which candidates address our issues and speak to our concerns. Let us make an informed choice, not one based on name recognition in a campaign vacuum. Isn't campaigning an integral part of a legitimate election? Then by definition, we haven't had a legitimate election here. Either have one, or disenfranchise us, damn it.
Dobson slashes tires on "Straight Talk Express"
I don't have my right-wing religious wacko org chart handy, but I'm pretty sure James Dobson is near the top. In fact, since Falwell took a dirt nap, Dobson arguably occupies the top spot. Which is why this is interesting:"I am deeply disappointed the Republican Party seems poised to select a
nominee who did not support a Constitutional amendment to protect the
institution of marriage, voted for embryonic stem-cell research to kill nascent
human beings, opposed tax cuts that ended the marriage penalty, has little
regard for freedom of speech, organized the Gang of 14 to preserve filibusters
in judicial hearings, and has a legendary temper and often uses foul and obscene
language.
"I am convinced Sen. McCain is not a conservative, and in fact, has
gone out of his way to stick his thumb in the eyes of those who are. He has
sounded at times more like a member of the other party. McCain actually
considered leaving the GOP caucus in 2001, and approached John Kerry about being Kerry’s running mate in 2004. McCain also said publicly that Hillary
Clinton would make a good president. Given these and many other concerns, a
spoonful of sugar does NOT make the medicine go down. I cannot, and will
not, vote for Sen. John McCain, as a matter of conscience.
"But what a sad and melancholy decision this is for me and many other
conservatives. Should Sen. McCain capture the nomination as many assume, I
believe this general election will offer the worst choices for president in my
lifetime. I certainly can't vote for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama based on
their virulently anti-family policy positions. If these are the nominees in
November, I simply will not cast a ballot for president for the first time in my
life. These decisions are my personal views and do not represent the
organization with which I am affiliated. They do reflect my deeply held
convictions about the institution of the family, about moral and spiritual
beliefs, and about the welfare of our country."
Hooboy. If Dobson's views are widely held, and they seem to be, the Democrats should win even if they're dumb enough to nominate Hillary Clinton.
Public service announcement
For the New England area: If anyone close to you, um, you know, chokes, here's a diagram that depicts how to perform the Heimlich maneuver.
Hatin' on homos in Florida
It's Groundhog Day, which is fitting because Punxatawny Phil isn't the only smelly little critter poking his rodential head out of a hole today. Right here in the Sunshine State, another rat-like creature who we thought had been banished to the shadows has re-emerged. To be fair, the varmint to whom I refer is more closely related the the weasel family than the groundhog clan: He is an ambulance chaser and former FL Republican Party apparatchik named John Stemberger.
Stemberger formed the Florida Coalition to Protect Marriage a few years back to gather enough signatures to place a so-called Marriage Protection Amendment on the November ballot. On its face, the measure is designed to offer Florida voters the opportunity to define marriage as the union between one man and one woman. However, if the coalition's founder possessed a shred of honesty, the organization would be more straightforwardly named the Florida Coalition to Goose Wingnuts to the Polls to Elect More Republicans.
Operation Get Out the Wingnut Vote for McCain or Romney
Make no mistake, that's what it's all about. Gay marriage is already illegal here, as is adoption by gay couples. Voters, legislators and judges in Florida are about as likely to approve showering same-sex couples with rice as they are to elect Dennis Kucinich. It just ain't gonna happen here any time soon.
So why Stemberger and his petition drive? A former political director of the Florida Republican Party, Stemberger no doubt noticed how similar ballot initiatives in other swing states had roused hard-core cultural conservatives (otherwise known as bigots) to turn up at the polls to oppress homos in their states and, gee, while they're at it, vote for George W. Bush.
Homo-hate-fest
Stemberger has spent the past three years gathering signatures here. He thought he'd gathered the 600k-plus signatures necessary to put his bigoted amendment proposal on the Florida ballot come this November. Several weeks ago, he submitted the signatures. But upon closer examination, the state certifiers discovered that many were invalid. They didn't come right out and say there were numerous entries for "Ben Dover" and "Amanda Love," but it seemed Stemberger had been punked but good, with too little time left to gather enough signatures to make up the shortfall. Some of us breathed a sigh of relief.
Too soon, as it turns out. Stemberger, who makes his living suing rental car companies on behalf of tourists who develop mysterious and difficult to document soft-tissue injuries after fender-benders, enlisted the aid of numerous pastors, who directed their sheep to sign up for the homo-hate-fest. As of yesterday, it looks like they got it done. Here's Stemberger's announcement on his website:
"We are grateful to God first, and to our supporters second, for this amazing victory. What our people did was simply remarkable. They collected 92,000 petitions in about 13 days. That is about 7,000 petitions per day. No paid petition collectors could ever match the force of this effort. This is real proof for grassroots momentum for marriage as the union of one man and one woman in Florida."
"Children need a mom and a dad. It is just that simple. When you create a same sex marriage, you are simultaneously creating a same sex family. Same sex marriages subject children to a vast, untested, social experiment. Homosexual marriage proponents must take the position that there is no inherent value or importance to human femininity and human masculinity when it comes to the socialization of children. Dad and mom's [sic] are optional. This is the assumption of their position."
See, it's all about the chiiiiiilllllllldren. And God. But let's unpack a fraction of the dishonesty in those two paragraphs. First of all, as I said, same-sex marriage is illegal in Florida already. And by laws enacted with the assistance of Stemberger, there are children who are languishing in foster care right now who cannot be adopted by gay couples. Stemberger cares so much about those children and their grounding in "human feminimity and masculinity" that he'd prefer they grow up as wards of the state than find a home with a pair of homos. Whatta guy.
Protect your own goddamned marriage
But the dishonesty isn't just blatant in Stemberger's comments -- it's apparent in the name of the amendment itself. Protect marriage? If you're serious about that, you might consider addressing the number one threat to marriage and outlaw divorce (though that might cut into the law firm's lucrative family practice sector). Who else is threatening marriage? Homos? That seems to be Stemberger's angle.
Somehow, my 11-year marriage to Mr. Cracker has survived, despite the legions of aggressive Florida homosexuals waving their feather boas at us and inviting us to come have a gay old time. We don't seem to need protecting. However, perhaps it's fair to assume the Stemberger union is a bit more fragile. Can't say I blame the Missus. If I had to look at that unctuous blob across the dinner table every night, I might start ogling the other chicks at the gym with more than casual interest too.
So it makes perfect sense to deface the Florida Constitution with anti-gay grafitti: We've got to help Mr. Stemberger keep the Missus from stepping out with a girl-crush. Or perhaps Mr. Stemberger needs a law to keep him from going all Larry Craig on us. I get it now.
No sniping zone, plus Johnamnesty McSurgepants & Skeletor
I thought for sure last night's Clinton v. Obama debate would feature more fireworks, what with Clinton still in the lead and Obama gaining on her in the polls coming into Super Tuesday. I kinda expected one or the other to attempt to shake things up. But they chose to remain civil, despite Mr. Blitzer's attempts to inject personal rancor. Good for them.
Hillary Clinton is at her best when she takes on the media blowhards. She has an edge of both humor and contempt in her voice -- the latter well earned by Blitzer and his ilk. That was evident when she responded to the "likability" nonsense with "it hurts my feelings" back in New Hampshire, and she displayed it again when Blitzer attempted to frame one of Obama's comments as a "swipe" at Clinton.
I thought Obama had his best debate yet. He's much better at speeches than debating, but this time, he was thoughtful and substantive, and I think he framed the difference between his early opposition to the war and Clinton's vote to enable Bush very well.
Overall, I would call it a tie. Both put aside the snippiness and concentrated their fire on the Republicans. Both affirmed their respect for each other and promised to help elect whomever is the nominee. Perhaps the civility was intended to cool down some of the simmering animosity between Clinton and Obama partisans, the obsessive analysis of the so-called State of the Union snub, etc. Perhaps the two really put potential partisan gain aside for the good of the party, which is a good sign.
As for this Obama partisan, I'll still be bitter if he loses. If we nominate Clinton instead of Obama, we will reunite a dispirited GOP. We will put a candidate on the ticket that half the country will never vote for. We will blow an opportunity to elect a more progressive candidate who is -- somehow -- appealing to independents and even some Republicans. We will reject a potentially transformative candidate, a guy who could do for the left what Ronald Reagan did for the right. But Clinton's performance last night made me feel better about having to vote for her should it come down to that.
War, war, war! How d'ya like it, how d'ya like it?
Still wondering what the hell Johnamnesty McSurgepants was talking about here, and as far as I know, he hasn't been asked to explain it. But for the love of god, will someone please tell him to stop prefacing every sentence with the phony and annoying "my friends" thing? Sweet weeping Jesus on a rotiserrie, it's more irritating even than Dubya's "nuke-you-ler."
Speaking of right-wing loonies, just what the hell did Johnamnesty McSurgepants do to piss Ann Coulter off? Sure, he's insufficiently devoted to torture as an instrument of foreign policy. He didn't always support shoveling gigantic piles of money toward already bloated plutocrats (though he came around on that issue). And he's not nearly hostile enough to brown folks to appease the base. But Christ!
Wha-wha-wha? She's totally gone all bunny-boiler on the GOP, which should be a joy to behold but...I can't shake the feeling she's trying to pull something over on us. Hmmmm, I can't vote with Coulter, so I'll vote for McCain instead. Hey, waita minute, that's probably her e-ville strategy! Screw you, Coulter! I ain't falling for it. Nice try, though.
Listen up, wingnuts -- free advice for y'all: A better strategy would be to find someone more Jesusy and Reagany (pardon the redundancy) to run as a third-party candidate. I hear Gary Bauer is free. Call him.
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