It's Groundhog Day, which is fitting because Punxatawny Phil isn't the only smelly little critter poking his rodential head out of a hole today. Right here in the Sunshine State, another rat-like creature who we thought had been banished to the shadows has re-emerged. To be fair, the varmint to whom I refer is more closely related the the weasel family than the groundhog clan: He is an ambulance chaser and former FL Republican Party apparatchik named John Stemberger.
Stemberger formed the Florida Coalition to Protect Marriage a few years back to gather enough signatures to place a so-called Marriage Protection Amendment on the November ballot. On its face, the measure is designed to offer Florida voters the opportunity to define marriage as the union between one man and one woman. However, if the coalition's founder possessed a shred of honesty, the organization would be more straightforwardly named the Florida Coalition to Goose Wingnuts to the Polls to Elect More Republicans.
Operation Get Out the Wingnut Vote for McCain or Romney
Make no mistake, that's what it's all about. Gay marriage is already illegal here, as is adoption by gay couples. Voters, legislators and judges in Florida are about as likely to approve showering same-sex couples with rice as they are to elect Dennis Kucinich. It just ain't gonna happen here any time soon.
So why Stemberger and his petition drive? A former political director of the Florida Republican Party, Stemberger no doubt noticed how similar ballot initiatives in other swing states had roused hard-core cultural conservatives (otherwise known as bigots) to turn up at the polls to oppress homos in their states and, gee, while they're at it, vote for George W. Bush.
Homo-hate-fest
Stemberger has spent the past three years gathering signatures here. He thought he'd gathered the 600k-plus signatures necessary to put his bigoted amendment proposal on the Florida ballot come this November. Several weeks ago, he submitted the signatures. But upon closer examination, the state certifiers discovered that many were invalid. They didn't come right out and say there were numerous entries for "Ben Dover" and "Amanda Love," but it seemed Stemberger had been punked but good, with too little time left to gather enough signatures to make up the shortfall. Some of us breathed a sigh of relief.
Too soon, as it turns out. Stemberger, who makes his living suing rental car companies on behalf of tourists who develop mysterious and difficult to document soft-tissue injuries after fender-benders, enlisted the aid of numerous pastors, who directed their sheep to sign up for the homo-hate-fest. As of yesterday, it looks like they got it done. Here's Stemberger's announcement on his website:
"We are grateful to God first, and to our supporters second, for this amazing victory. What our people did was simply remarkable. They collected 92,000 petitions in about 13 days. That is about 7,000 petitions per day. No paid petition collectors could ever match the force of this effort. This is real proof for grassroots momentum for marriage as the union of one man and one woman in Florida."
"Children need a mom and a dad. It is just that simple. When you create a same sex marriage, you are simultaneously creating a same sex family. Same sex marriages subject children to a vast, untested, social experiment. Homosexual marriage proponents must take the position that there is no inherent value or importance to human femininity and human masculinity when it comes to the socialization of children. Dad and mom's [sic] are optional. This is the assumption of their position."
See, it's all about the chiiiiiilllllllldren. And God. But let's unpack a fraction of the dishonesty in those two paragraphs. First of all, as I said, same-sex marriage is illegal in Florida already. And by laws enacted with the assistance of Stemberger, there are children who are languishing in foster care right now who cannot be adopted by gay couples. Stemberger cares so much about those children and their grounding in "human feminimity and masculinity" that he'd prefer they grow up as wards of the state than find a home with a pair of homos. Whatta guy.
Protect your own goddamned marriage
But the dishonesty isn't just blatant in Stemberger's comments -- it's apparent in the name of the amendment itself. Protect marriage? If you're serious about that, you might consider addressing the number one threat to marriage and outlaw divorce (though that might cut into the law firm's lucrative family practice sector). Who else is threatening marriage? Homos? That seems to be Stemberger's angle.
Somehow, my 11-year marriage to Mr. Cracker has survived, despite the legions of aggressive Florida homosexuals waving their feather boas at us and inviting us to come have a gay old time. We don't seem to need protecting. However, perhaps it's fair to assume the Stemberger union is a bit more fragile. Can't say I blame the Missus. If I had to look at that unctuous blob across the dinner table every night, I might start ogling the other chicks at the gym with more than casual interest too.
So it makes perfect sense to deface the Florida Constitution with anti-gay grafitti: We've got to help Mr. Stemberger keep the Missus from stepping out with a girl-crush. Or perhaps Mr. Stemberger needs a law to keep him from going all Larry Craig on us. I get it now.
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