Apply directly to the Constitution
All the GOP candidates are vying for the coveted Most Jesus-y mantel and the sacred stream of evangelical votes that flow from it. At times it seems they've all hired the ad agency that gave us: Head On! Apply Directly to the Forehead! Only their strategy is: Jesus Christ! Apply Directly to the Ballot!
But none of those pious pretenders can hold a candle to Mike Huckabee, who is a dangerous loon. Lurking beneath the grinning, guitar-picking, aw-shucks persona is a genuine theocractic fascist who must be stopped:
"I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution," Huckabee told a Michigan audience on Monday. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."
So in HuckWorld, can we expect compulsory beard growing for men and a requirement for women to appear in public only with their heads modestly covered? Will the Huckster finally give teachers the ultimate tool to enforce discipline by endorsing the stoning of disobedient children? Those are God's standards, after all.
More likely, the Huckster only plans to oppress gays and remove women's reproductive rights. At first. But fortunately, the Huckster will never be allowed anywhere near the Oval Office. The GOP money boys are dead-set against it. And the Huckster has more skeletons in his closet than Wal-Mart has cheap, lead-infused Chinese goods. His candidacy is the real fairy tale in this race, and it was authored by the Brothers Grimm. Or maybe Margaret Atwood.
He was looking at you, Russert
During last night's Democratic debate, "moderator" Tim Russert was doing what he always does, which was to stifle any discussion of actual, you know, issues, and instead fan the flames of controversy over irrelevant bullshit that has already been thoroughly hashed out. The newly polite candidates had already attempted to rebuff that line of questioning several times and instead move on to substance, but Russert was having none of that.
And then, a hero spoke up. Someone in the audience, off-camera, shouted, "Stop with the race-based questions," or something to that effect. Several times. Russert's great jack-o-lantern head ceased its hectoring wobbles. His earnestly frowning mouth snapped shut for a moment, and his piggy little eyes frantically scanned his notes as he awaited the tasering and removal of the prole who dared to interrupt his relentless shit-stirring.
I don't know who that guy was, but I do know he's a great American. And I wish the candidates would rebel in similar fashion. I truly believe the public would applaud it.
True to his name, Mudcat remains a bottom-feeder
Although I'm not an Edwards campaign supporter, I am grateful to the dude for moving the other candidates a bit leftward. I'm not sure they'd be stressing economic justice and generally on the same page regarding the ultimate goal of universal coverage if it weren't for Edwards.
However -- and this is one of the main reasons I can't support Edwards in the primaries -- his senior strategist, Dave "Mudcat" Saunders, is pedaling a slick brand of good-old-boy bullshit that I find both offensive and hypocritical. His appearance last night on the odious Tucker show was a splendid example:
How many times can the guy work the words "Dixie" and "Southern" into a four-minute segment? I lost count after three times each in the first 30 seconds. He also managed to invoke William T. Sherman. And though he claims that Edwards said he didn't want any voters who would reject Obama on the basis of race, Mudcat's slick use of code words belie that noble sentiment. He baldly asserts that Obama and HRC can't win the general election vs. McCain, but Edwards can "because he's a Southerner, and Southerners know how to fight."
Sweet weeping Jeebus in a Dixie cup. I'm a Southerner myself (although I long for subtitles to help me translate Mudcat's wildly exaggerated enunciations -- no one talks like that in real life). But if I recall correctly, the last time we Southerners got in a fight, them thar Yankees came on down here and whupped our tails reeeeaaaallllll goooooood. So what was the point of invoking Edwards' Southern-ness repeatedly in the context of a match-up between Clinton and Obama? Because he's a white dude with his own precious accent, and Mudcat is hoping to peel off some Dixiecrat votes that his candidate supposedly eschews.
Well, screw that. If Edwards wins, I'll support him. But if he loses South Carolina and becomes campaign trail toast, I hope that will signal the end of Mudcat-style strategy. It's past time to wrap that stinky fish up in yesterday's newspaper and toss him into the dumpster.
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